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It took me so long to do my entire set of Pokemon reviews (I wrote jokes and analysis for more than 649 entries, I’ve done something like 30,000 words on the damn things) that before I had even finished 6th generation had already been announced. We’ve seen a few Gen 6 monsters but the one that everyone seems most fascinated by is this guy.

Sylveon

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Which is a new Eeveelution. Although my dislike of new evolutions of old monsters is on record on this site and others I make an exception for Eeveelutions. The basic concept of Eevee, he’s a little squirrel dog with the potential to evolve into multiple types much like how dog breeders can get a lot of shapes out of the same basic genetic material, is fantastic and the only problem with it is he can’t evolve into every type yet. This is a problem, and I firmly believe Eevee should be given an evolution for every type in the game. I’m also not the only that feels this way; something I’ll get to later.

Because of that news of a new Eeveelution was greeted with much rejoicing by me.

And then I saw it.

Wow that thing is, girly, very, very girly. I mean not only is it pink but it has bows and ribbons, give it a my little pony and it’s the platonic ideal of a seven year old girl.

I actually don’t have a problem with the girly though, this is a fine design. Basic uncluttered body with a few distinguishing elements. My only gripe is the tail and ears haven’t been incorporated as well as other eeveelutions. With something like Jolteon the ears and tail scream electric type at you, same with Vaporeon and Leafeon. Ah but there’s the rub, what type is Sylveon?

When Nintendo released the image they intentionally kept the typing a secret, indeed they made a big deal out of it and the internet has been trying to figure out what type she is ever since. Based on appearance alone I’d have to go for normal type. There are plenty of Pokemon whose defining design characteristics are big pink ears, pinkness in general and girly touches like bows and ribbons. Chansey, Snubbul, Audino, Wigglytuff. These are all normal types. Thing is, giving a normal type evolution to a normal type Eevee is a bit boring and it doesn’t make sense for Nintendo to make a big deal out of a normal type so many people seem to think Sylveon is actually a new type.

I can buy that.

We haven’t had a new type since Gen 2 and Gen 6 looks to be a much bigger change to the core game mechanics than any since Gen 2.  We’re moving into 3 dimensional movement and polygonal displays (way to catch up with 1996 Pokemon. awww, I’m kidding. I loves ya.) and a big change isn’t out of the question. The trailer also makes a big deal out of light and sound with new Pokemon Xernias being bathed in light and Yvetal making a loud noise. The current theory is that all the Pokemon with similar designs to Sylveon, bows, pink, big ears could be moved into a new type called light, fairy or even sound. My only request is I’d still like to see some of the existing types get an Eeveelution. Like I said though, fans are ahead of me there and have come up with some Eeveelution concepts of their own. My favourite is this one.

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This guy is part of a set of Eeveelution designs I saw posted on pokememes.com . I couldn’t find the original artist so if anyone does know who drew these please let me know so I can credit them accordingly. Honestly these are the best fan Pokemon designs I’ve ever seen, they perfectly replicate Sugimori-San’s art style and the colouring quality and they show a lot of invention and thought.

My favourite of the bunch is the fighting type above. I like that its still recognisably a dog and still on four legs but that you can tell straight away this is a fighting type. A lot of that goes into the taped up legs which really says martial arts but other touches lie the shortened tail and ears and the scar sell the idea too. It’s a great design and I’d love to see it crop up in a future Pokemon game.

Second favourite is the flying type.

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Most flying type Eevee’s I’ve seen just go the lazy route and give it wings. This design does turn the tail into wings but what’s far cleverer is turning the furry puffs into clouds. Turning a poodle into clouds is again, recognisably a dog but also says flying type at you. The pose helps too since it appears to be flying but also looks like a happy dog running to greet its master.

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Ghost is another great one. We’ve got a lot of variety in dog body shapes here and I love the long floppy spaniel ears, something no other Eeveelution has. The ears folded down works well to suggest melancholy and helps it stand out from the others and sell the ghost idea too. Plus bandages is such a simple addition to make it a ghost but works so well.

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Poison is not a brilliant entry. Although a very attractive looking design a lot of people mistakenly thought this was the ghost type. That’s because not a lot here says poison. The one big poison symbol is turning Eevee’s fur ruff into a cloud of poisonous gas. That’s very clever and very striking but can be mis-read as suggesting a ghost type. Maybe making it a sickly black and yellow colour rather than purple would help.

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Ground is a hard type to define since so many ground types are so varied and it can be easily confused with the rock type. I’m not sure what individual element here says ground but something about the whole does suggest it. It’s also another striking and attractive design.

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Normal poses a challenge since there is nothing at all intrinsic to normal types. Instead they took the already normal type Eevee and just altered the proportions to make it look more like an adult and less childlike. So we have a large body, longer limbs and a smaller head in proportion to the rest of the body. Basic, but assured.

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Steel and Rock are pretty similar. Replace the ears, tail and ruff with something made of the element. They aren’t bad by any stretch of the imagination but there’s nothing clever here. Maybe making them into a different kind of dog would help, like a bulldog for rock or a great dane for steel.

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Bug and Dragon are probably the only entries I don’t like and even they have features I think are good. I like how bug’s ears get turned into antennae and his extra eyes. I think the wings are overkill and more could be done with the tail such as making it a scorpion tail.

For Dragon I like the horns but again more could have been done with them making them proper Japanese dragon antlers. I’m not a fan of the tail or wings and think maybe turning the feet into claws would help. Also the colouration is a little similar to bug, steel and flying, why not something more dragony like an orange or green?

So a real Eeveelution and some fan Eeveelutions. And with that I’m all done with Pokemon stuff until we start getting a few more Gen 6 designs to critique.

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Generation 5 is one of the more polarising generations with a lot of people really, really hating it. The common criticisms of it are that the designs are unoriginal, basically just re-dos of earlier monsters, and that some of the designs are just irredeemably stupid in concept such as an Ice Cream monster.

Whilst I can certainly understand these complaints I can’t agree with them. For me Generation 5 is a superb generation. Not only does it have tons of original ideas it also has polish. The designs strike a wonderful balance between the early, iconic stuff and the later more complicated designs without featuring tons of extraneous details. The colours aren’t overly fussy but pop and compliment each other. It’s just overall great.

Partly this is because Nintendo seemed to take to heart the criticisms of generation 4 and took a real back to basics approach with the games Black and White. For the first time since Red and Blue we get 150 all new monsters. No evolutions or prevolutions of older monsters and no monsters from original games appearing at all in this one, until much later in the game at the very least. In that sense it’s a lot like generation one. And that’s not the only Gen 1 throwback either, consequently you get a lot of homages to older designs. Now I know that I criticised the last generation for going to the RGBY well too much but the approach taken in Gen 5 is much better. These aren’t extra evolutions but a reinterpretation of a similar idea, and usually a more confident and developed interpretation to boot. I’ll discuss that aspect more in individual entries.

The other big design theme is the concept of New York. The Unova region is the first region not to be  based on Japan but rather New York and Manhattan. Consequently we get a lot less natural designs and a lot more monsters based on inanimate objects and human themes, reflecting the lack of nature in New York when compared to the nature obsessed Japanese. It opens up the conceptual palette a lot more and means that even when monsters are similar to older designs they usually have a few key differences to distinguish them.

Finally the games themselves are brilliant, indeed they may be my favourite Pokemon games. There are so many refinements and improvements that just massively improve the game. Moving the Pokemart into the Pokecenter is such a small thing but such a time saving thing that speeds up the more tedious aspects of the game. Making TM’s re-usable is brilliant and opens up the combat along with move tutors for really powerful but rare moves. Then there are the new innovations which aren’t gimmicks but add real depth to the game and much needed extra dimension, month cycles, battle subways, black/white tower, online functionality, Pokemon World Tournament, etc.

Gen 5 was in fact my entire inspiration for these articles since it got so much hate from a certain section of fandom and I love it so much that I honestly felt I had to speak up for it.

Victini

victini

What? Not a grass type starter? but, but every generation starts with a grass type!

Well usually but here we get the first of our (many, waaaaay too many) legendaries in the mold of Mew, Celebi, Jirachi etc we have the spirit of victory Victini.

His big theme is the letter V, for the fifth generation and also for victory. As such we get his big V ears and his v for victory gesture. I love that gesture, it is far and away my favourite thing about Victini because it is so very, very Japanese and I doubt most people pick up on it at all. You see Japanese people almost always do the v for victory thing in photos. Seriously go google Japanese teenagers (you might want to safe search it), first picture on my google images is a classroom full of kids doing that gesture.

You want some more examples…

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And let’s have some of me and random Japanese people

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The ini part of his name comes from genie and hence his hammer pants (I find it odd that at least two pokemon have hammer pants. One may be an accident but two is a conspiracy). I have no idea about his bum wings though.

Snivy, Servine, Serperior

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*slow clap*

well done localisation guys, well done. Serperior may be my favourite pun since Geodude.

You see a lot more variation in the grass type starters than the water and fires usually and Serperior and his brood is no exception. Taking the vine of ivy and turning it into a snake’s body with an ivy leaf on the tail is just inspired. It’s not just a great concept well executed either, there are tons of extra touches that turn this from a good design into a stellar one. I love Serperior’s expression, it looks so smug and haughty and with his name that does so much to convey personality. I love the high collar and how that also serves to make him look regal.I love how they turned the Ivy into fleur de lis. I love that we go from a snake with arms and legs to it losing its legs, possibly the only example in pokemon evolution of something that actually happened in real life evolution.* I love everything about this guy.

Mostly though i just love the fact that he’s pokemon David Bowie as the Goblin King.

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*contrary to popular belief Serperior does still have hands, they are folded behind his back in an imperious pose.

Tepig, Pignite, Emboar

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BEHOLD! The three best pun names the localisation team has EVER done.

Pignite guys, Pignite. Whomever dreamed that up deserves a raise.

The concept with these guys is hysterical. They’re pigs on fire. If you don’t get that it might help to know that I named my Emboar BBQ.

As if that wasn’t brilliant enough they also have a parallel gimmick of being different kinds of wrestlers. Tepig’s head colouring is meant to look like the caps Japanese boys wear at the school sports day for their various manly physical games like slapping each other and climbing poles.

Japan just doesn’t care about health and safety by the way guys, schools totally have a “let’s let the boys slap each other” event at sport’s day and nobody bats an eye lid. In the U.K. that would be a national scandal.

Pignite (love that name) is obviously meant to look like a pro wrestler or an olympic wrestler in the American style. In fact he looks a lot like Andre the Giant to my mind.

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Emboar obviously is a sumo wrestler and pig sumo wrestler is such an obvious and brilliant idea I’m amazed it took us this long to get some version of it. It certainly has more character than the boring anthro monster Makuhita.

Of the three I find Pignite to be the best, mostly because of Emboar’s fires. I can’t tell what they’re meant to be, a beard maybe? I certainly can’t parse them as anything a Sumo wrestler wears. Everything on Pignite though either says pig or wrestler.

Oshawott, Dewott and Samurott

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Of the three starters Oshawott definitely fairs the worst. Oshawott himself is pretty terrible, it’s an otter, but blue (btw Nintendo the water starter doesn’t have to be blue, we get that it’s water from the animal you choose usually) in a baby-grow for some reason. It’s not even cute, mostly because of the frowny face and dead, soulless eyes….

like a doll’s eyes..

never blinking…

knowing everything you did.

*ahem* anyway, Oshawott, not cute.

Dewott though is brilliant. He looks more like an otter for starters and his proportions and pose make him look like a martial artist. Well specifically he’s meant to be a samurai with the razor shells resembling the armour plates samurai have and his big whiskers looking like the fake intimidating moustache on a samurai helmet.  He looks badass, ready to throw some razor sharp clams and straight up cut a fool.

And then Samurott ruins everything.

Firstly it’s really weird that he goes from being bipedal to being quadrupedal. There’s nothing that prohibits that in actual evolution (although I don’t believe it has ever happened) but it seems counter-intuitive in pokemon evolution to go from being more human to more animalistic.

And whilst there is some samurai stuff kept the move to four legs just really cripples the samurai concept.  There’s also a ton of stuff that straight up doesn’t work, like the helmet. That doesn’t look like a samurai helmet. The guys called Samurott, just give him a samurai helmet and have him stand up and this would have worked much, much better.

Patrat and Watchdog

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Considering Watchdog is supposed to be a cross between a meerkat and a crossing guard (no really, check out what Japanese crossing guards wear below and look at Watchdog’s markings.) I find it amusing that Patrat looks stoned as hell. Again it’s all in the eyes, he is tweaking and is looking for munchies. I’d say he cleaned up his act but even in his narc uniform he still looks like he’s tripping balls. He must be a dirty cop.

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Lillipup, Herdier and Stoutland

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boring dog, boring dog THE MOST MAJESTIC MOUSTACHE I HAVE EVER BEHELD!

Gen 5 is resplendent with awesome moustaches actually but just look at that thing! It’s the length of his entire body! That is the platonic ideal of all facial hair. It is the single most manly thing I have yet seen and it isn’t even on a man.

Soutland most pull all the hot bitches* with that thing.

*not sexist, he’s a dog.

Purrloin and Liepard

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I’m sorry localisation team but there is such a thing as trying too hard. It’s a decent punning effort but I’m afraid it doesn’t do it for me.

Don’t be sad though, you still came up with Pignite. All is forgiven in my eyes after that.

Pansage, Pansear and Panpour

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Simisage, Simisear and Simipour

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Generation 5 also has a lot more linked designs than previous games including these monkeys. It’s a very simple design but similar in concept to Eevee, take a basic body shape (in this case a monkey) and make amendments to it that fit the elemental theme. So the colour, tail shape and head shape change to match the element. Nicely done and nicely executed. Although I do query why Pansage has brocolli on his head and Pansear has a cartoon poop on his.

But for the evolutions we get the added conceptual twist of making them musicians. So Pansage evolves into a 1950’s greaser complete with faux leather jacket and massive quiff, Panpour turns into a 1960’s doo wop/girl group singer and Pansear turns into Liberace….but fat.

It would have been perfectly fine to just do more adult looking versions of panpour,sage and sear but adding the musician gimmick just makes them that bit more interesting. It’s little touches like that make me wonder why people call this generation unoriginal.

Munna and Musharna

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There’s a lot of baggage to this design to unpack. Firstly Black and White introduced the dream world, an alternate dimension which can be made real using dream smoke harvested from Musharna. It’s just an online gaming feature basically but like any new thing they introduce they feel like they need a mascot Pokemon and Musharna is it.

They’re also both callbacks to earlier games. Waaaaay back in Red and Blue there is a comment from an NPC about wishing for a Pokemon with a floral print on it. And only fifteen years later they decided to follow up on that idea. Musharna is also a callback from an older game, Diamond and Pearl which mention a researcher looking into the prospect of a Pokemon that can link with dreams. This is all a bit fan service but it’s kind of mind blowing that Nintendo recognises it has a continuation of fans from fifteen years ago still playing who will enjoy these nods and winks.

Finally both designs are kind of a do-over of Hypno from the original games. Hypno was based on a Japanese myth about a monster that eats people’s dreams and the monster is usually depicted as a tapir like creature. Hypno though was not one of the more successful RGBY designs, being basically a tapir stood up. Munna and Musharna are much more distinctive creatures with more appealing designs even if they basically are still tapirs.

Pidove, Tranquill and Unfezant

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Speaking of do-overs, apparently enough people thought that Pidgey from RGBY looked nothing like a pidgeon, missing the point that he was a wood pidgeon, that they decided to do another pidgeon. Although rather than evolving into a bigger pidgeon with a punk rock haircut he evolves into a pheasant with a masquerade mask. These three are fine, if a bit fussy. The localisation team are trying to force the puns too much again though.

Blitzle and Zebstrika

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Zebra but with the white parts turned into lightning bolts is such a simple and inspired premise that I’m amazed it took until Gen 5 for it to happen. That said the execution is not perfect. I don’t like the shape of Zebstrika’s tail, just leaving it as a bolt would have been better than the spark ending. There’s also still a lot of curved white lines where I would have made them all straight with bolt shaped kinks. I also think Blitzle’s single mohawk-esque bolt is much better than Zebstrika’s two horn bolts.

Roggenrola, Boldore, Gigalith

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The localisation team must have been absolutely gutted when presented with the design that became Roggenrolla. Having already used the pun in Geodude Japan goes ahead and gives them a walking geode. What the hell are they supposed to do with that?!

Like Pidove before it this trio is another do-over of an RGBY monster, namely Geodude, Graveller and Golem. It’s sufficiently different to work as it’s own monster though. I love the use of geode’s as eyes, I also like the gem spikes which are intimidating and dangerous looking. The only thing I don’t like is the weird spike on Roggenrolla’s head which make’s it look like the spike is his head and is just confusing.

Woobat and Swoobat

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For years I though Woobat was an incredibly lazy design. Basically just a ball of fur with bat wings and inexplicable heart shaped nose. Then I saw these guys.

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I’ll quote my long suffering girlfriend’s reaction when she saw that picture;

“OH MY GOD LOOK AT THEM! They look like mini pigs. Mini pigs with fur.” and then she just made some squeeing noises. It went  on for a while but she seemed happy enough.

If anything the Pokemon version is butcher and more macho than the real animal.

Swoobat though is a total mess. He’s supposed to be a foxbat, hence the head, but they’ve kept the heart nose which now looks out of proportion and doesn’t match the head shape. I don’t get the thinking at all behind the collar or the tail. They look like they’re going for cute but it’s just loads of random elements shoved together. It totally lacks cohesion.

Drilbur and Excadrill

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Do-over of Diglett but Drilbur actually looks like a mole. A mole with giant steel drill hands, again that is such a strong concept I’m amazed it wasn’t done earlier.

Excadrill  unfortunately, is not so assured. This is a shame because in game he is an absolute monster, easily one of the most powerful beasties in the game (in fact a lot of competitive websites ban his use entirely). The body is just a larger more dangerous looking version of Drilbur which is fine but what spoils is it is the weird second head. I know what they’re going for, the idea is the extra drill looks like a larger more dangerous head with the real head hidden underneath. But the sizes and positions mean it doesn’t quite work.

Audino

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This generation’s big pink big eared girly monster to go with Clefable, Blissey and Wigglytuff only with….long ears?  I did some reading and apparently the ears are supposed to resemble stethoscopes so this is another nurse themed monster. Again I’ll stick that one in the “this is probably someone’s fetish” pile with Chansey.

Timburr, Gurdurr, Conkeldurr

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Timburr has by far the best evolution gimmick I have ever seen. His 2 x 4 evolves with him into a girder and then concrete pillars. That makes,NO, SENSE, WHATSOEVER! I don’t know if I have to explain this guys but evolution doesn’t work that way. It makes perfect sense in the world of Pokemon evolution though and is so out there and crazy that I don’t know how you could not love it.

Unfortunately the monster holding the tool is not quite as inspired. Especially Gurdurr. Why is Gurdurr a clown? Because he is. He has a big red nose and curly hair. He might have disturbingly big and veiny arms but he is unmistakably a clown. A muscular clown wielding a steel girder….well it’s original at least.

Tympole, Palpitoad and Seismitoad

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OH MY GOD KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!

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Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

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Good god that thing is hideous. I know it’s supposed to be headphones but the incredibly human face on the tadpole just freaks me out. That’s David Lynchian in it’s terror. Children should not be exposed to that. It looks like something anti-abortion protestors would have on a placard. Creepy.

And the other two evolutions look like frogs with huge cancerous growths.

Throh and Sawk

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This right here, this is the very definition of lazy. These are the platonic ideal of boring anthro monsters. They’re wearing clothes for gods sake, wild animals should not be wearing judo gi. Where did they get them from anyway? Do they rob dojo’s? Are they born with them on? Do they mug martial artists? What does a naked Throh look like? Actually never mind, I don’t want to know that last one.

Sewaddle, Swadloon and Leavanny

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Hey Throh and Sawk, here’s another wild animal wearing clothes. MADE FROM LEAVES. You see the difference, how one is plausible animal behaviour and one is drawing human’s and then messing up the face.

High concept aside these three aren’t great but I love Swadloon’s hilarious frowny face. For a bug all snuggled up in a rug he sure looks pissed off.

Venipede, Whirlipede and Scolipede

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Don’t these all just look bored? I think it’s the heavy lidded eye. They look less like they’re interested in battle and more like they just want to get it other with so they can go back to watching TV. It’s fitting because these are boring designs. It’s also rare that I ask this but can we have more detail on Scolipede please. His front looks like some kind of layers error in photoshop where they copied over everything except his front carapace.

Cottonee and Whimsicott

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Whimscott is adorable. Look at that happy face, that little guy just wants cuddles. And you know they’d be brilliant cuddles because he’d be so fluffy!

These two are great example of how you do a plant Pokemon right, they took cotton plants and decided that they looked a bit like sheep and boom, Pokemon right there. Sheep but with cotton instead of wool.

Petilil and Lilligant

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And here’s how you do plant pokemon boringly, it’s a nondescript plant shape with a face. Dull.

Basculin

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Second stab at a piranha does manage to look like a piranha, which is a plus, but like most fish pokemon is basically just a cartoony fish and so is dull.

Sandile, Krokorok and Krookodile

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Not actually based on a crocodile, despite all its name being crocodile puns, but a caimen. (see below you can tell due to the distinctive nose)

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These three are part of a baffling subset of Pokemon designs that take an animal that lives in the water but makes it a ground type…because….clever? I mean it’s an okay idea once but it seems to crop up repeatedly and it wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire to start with.

Also Krookodile’s nose looks like a dick. There, I said it. Are you all happy now?

Darumaka and Darmanitan

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Yay an attempt to get all intellectual and show off my knowledge of Japanese culture.

I mentioned that in this generation we got a lot more Pokemon based on inanimate objects and Darumaka is one of the first examples of this. Although he and his evolution both look kind of like monkeys they are in fact based on this.

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That’s a Daruma, a kind of Japanese doll based on a representation of the monk and Bodhisattva ( a Buddha who teaches rather than ascending) named Bodhidharma, credited with bringing the Japanese tradition of Zen Buddhism to China (obviously Buddhism originally came to Japan from India by way of China but Zen is a specific kind of Buddhism).

There are lots of legends regarding Bodhidharma  but the one pertinent to his doll is the following, from wikipedia;

Failing to make a favorable impression in Southern China, Bodhidharma is said to have travelled to the northern Chinese kingdom of Wei to the Shaolin Monastery. After either being refused entry to the shaolin temple or being ejected after a short time, he lived in a nearby cave, where he “faced a wall for nine years, not speaking for the entire time”.

The biographical tradition is littered with apocryphal tales about Bodhidharma’s life and circumstances. In one version of the story, he is said to have fallen asleep seven years into his nine years of wall-gazing. Becoming angry with himself, he cut off his eyelids to prevent it from happening again.[25] According to the legend, as his eyelids hit the floor the first tea plants sprang up; and thereafter tea would provide a stimulant to help keep students of Chán awake during meditation.[26]

The most popular account relates that Bodhidharma was admitted into the Shaolin temple after nine years in the cave and taught there for some time. However, other versions report that he “passed away, seated upright”;[21] or that he disappeared, leaving behind the Yi Jin Jing;[27] or that his legs atrophied after nine years of sitting,[28] which is why Japanese Bodhidharma dolls have no legs.

You’ll notice from my picture that the doll only has one eye. This is a Japanese tradition, the dolls come with both eyes blank, one is supposed to paint one pupil whilst making a wish and then the other once the wish comes true. These wishes are more in the style of New Year’s resolutions than desires so you might for instance wish to lose weight and then the blank eye stares at you accusingly until you do.

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Darumaka and Darmanitan are based on the doll (which has a very consistent stylised form) than the man himself. Darumaka is basically a Daruma doll with arms and legs but it’s such an unusual design for a doll that I really don’t mind that at all, I think Darumaka looks great.

Darmanitan is even better though taking the basic shape and re-interpreting it as a rounded ape like monster. It keeps all the cool unique design aspects of a Daruma but makes it look more like a viable animal.

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Darmanitan also has an alternate form called Zen Mode which is basically just a Daruma doll but blue, and considering you can get blue Darumas that is a touch on the lazy side.

Maractus

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It’s a cactus with a face, and we already have two of those. Did we need this?

Dwebble and Crustle

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Kind of this generation’s Paras being an insect with a big thing on its back but with a more thought out concept here that I’m amazed hasn’t been used before. It’s a hermit crab which instead of stealing a shell has stolen a rock. Simple idea, well executed. The evolution though is inspired as the rock turns into a massive slice of earth complete with geological layers. I feel like the logical leaps in evolutions in this generation have been more thought through and rather than just making a bigger uglier version of the prevolution there’s almost a kind of a joke to many of the changes.

Scraggy and Scrafty

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Scraggy and Scrafty are kind of a cute idea and an example of how stuff like Throh and Sawk could be handled better. What they’ve done is taken a human behaviour (hooligans that wear their pants really low) and looked around for an animal behaviour they can graft that onto (lizards shedding their skin). That’s neat, and it’s exactly how they should approach fighting types.

Alas that’s all the praise I have for these two, especially Scraggy whose face looks like a complete afterthought. Sugimori-san can draw lizards so why has he given us the emoticon for derp?

Sigilyph

sigilyph

Sigilyph is a dream catcher turned into a Pokemon. It’s also an incoherent visual monstrosity that hurts to look at, but so are dream catchers.

Yamask and Cofragrigus

yamask cofagrigus

Pokemon has occasionally dabbled in some dark themes. In previous generations we’ve had child stealing balloons, the animated dead husk of an insect’s shed skin that seeks to capture souls, the lord of nightmares, the god of the land of ghosts and whatever the hell is up with Lopunny. Ghost types in particular have always posed a tricky question, what exactly is a ghost type? Are they the ghosts of pokemon? Are they normal animals displaying behaviours we might associate with ghosts? Most of them appear to be haunting some kind of object so the shape and nature of the object distracts somewhat from this question.

Yamask, however, approaches the issue dead on. Yamask is unequivocally the soul of a dead human transformed into spectral form.

Observe the pokedex entry;

“Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry. These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves. Each retains memories of its former life.”

The implications of that are horrifying. These things used to be humans, people with hopes and dreams and other people who loved them. They’re now reduced to floating spectres that are captured and forced to do battle for the amusement of 10 year olds. They are enslaved by other people. Infinitely, because being ghosts already they will never die and know freedom. AND THEY REMEMBER BEING HUMAN! No wonder they cry. If they could talk they presumably would articulate the longing and pain they have, how they yearn to be free of their torment, but no, all they can say is their own name. Not even their human name but the name of the monster they have become, their slave name.

But you know what’s worse? All of those facts are known. They were worked out by researchers who put it in the Pokedex. That means that humans in the world of Pokemon are aware that when they die they can turn into a monster and aware that those monsters retain human feelings and yet go ahead and enslave them anyway.

Pokemon is pretty fucked up you guys.

Tirtuoga and Carracosta

tirtougacarracosta

Carracosta’s mask makes me think he looks a little bit like a blue ninja turtle. Interesting fact, the ninja turtles wren’t turtles. As a rule of thumb turtles have flippers, tortoises have a foot and terrapins are semi-aquatic and have a kind of webbed clawed flipper. When you see them before they mutate the TMNT are actually terrapins.

All of which is a long way of saying I don’t have much to say about Tirtuoga and Carracosta.

Archen and Archeops

archenarcheops

Like Cranidos before them Archen and Archeops get points just for being based on one of my favourite dinosaurs, Archeopteryx.

Archaeopteryx_NT

You might be looking at that artist’s impression and saying, “Adam, that’s a bird,” but that would be exactly why it is awesome. Archeopteryx is one of the earliest birds and one of the last dinosaurs and the strongest fossil evidence that dinosaurs did indeed evolve into birds.

Trubbish and Garbodor

trubbishgarbodor

Of all the inanimate objects given a face in this generation my favourite is far and away Trubbish. That little guy just looks so cute. His eyes gazing up at you seems to imploringly ask, “why, why does everyone hate me? I only want love.” Awww Trubbish, it’s because you smell of garbage little dude. Don’t worry though, I love ya.

Zorua and Zoroark

zorua zoroark

Zorua has one of the coolest in game abilities as at the beginning of fights it doesn’t look like itself but the last Pokemon on your team. It’s an illusion Pokemon casting spells to appear like something else.

There’s not much in the design to suggest that though, except really subtly. Zorua and Zoroark are based on foxes, known for being cunning and the expression on their faces really suggests an intelligence and sly quality. Beyond that though these are sleek, dangerous looking designs but they’re basically just cartoony foxes, one of which is stood up.

Minccino and Cinccino

minccinocinccino

A chinchilla with a fashionable goatee and a chinchilla dressed up like a 1950’s hollywood starlet in elaborate furs. I find the idea of a furred animal wearing furs to be…conceptually troubling at best. This is one for the girls that like to squee at cute things with very little thought put into it.

Gothita, Gothorita and Gothitelle

gothitagothorita gothitelle

Now this, this is brilliant. Gohita and it’s evolutions are basically a boring anthro monster. But they’re a boring anthro monster based on something so bizarre that I can’t help but love it.  They’re based upon Gothic Lolita fashions. You might have read the word Gothic there and started picturing pale, thin boys in black jeans and cure t-shirts wearing eye liner and obsessing over death but that’s not really it at all. Gothic Lolita is a Japanese subb-culture and it’s less morbid and more about a fetishised version of Victorian fashion, taking the visual signifiers of that time period, lace, bows, petticoats and exaggerating them until you get something like, well, these;

images

images (1)

Black_White_Cotton_Long_Sleeves_Ruffled_Gothic

as you can see, we’re dealing with Tim Burton’s perfect women.

Gothita is not a great version of a Gothic Lolita Pokemon but that they tried at all is just magnificent.

Solosis, Duosion and Reuniclus

solosisduosionreuniclus

This is a cell, undergoing mitosis.

Again, the concept here is so brilliant that the design doesn’t really matter to me but the design is spot on too. Simple and iconic and selling the high concept beautifully.

But this seems to be a design a lot of people hate, they don’t get why there is a gooey baby rabbit and have missed the point entirely. So let me explain, the green ball is the cell, the light green thing inside it is the nucelus, the “brain” of the cell as it were, those eyes, cytoplasm, that squiggly thing, the name escapes but that’s a cell component too.

And then the cell splits becoming two, starting with the nucleus splitting. Only in this case it doesn’t finish splitting so it now has two brains, hence greater psychic powers, and eventually it has three brains, not rabbit ears. And it looks like a baby because cells split during the development of embryos. Everything here has a purpose in serving the high concept and the high concept, abortion monster, is so fantastic that the design just flat out works. The only people who hate this monster are those that do not get the concept.

Ducklett and Swanna

ducklett swanna

What I like with Swanna is that it’s dressed up in a swan lake ballet costume. So it’s a swan dressed as a swan. deep.

What i do not like about swanna is the feather bra, please stop suggesting Pokemon have breasts Nintendo it’s starting to get creepy.

Vanilite, Vanillish and Vanilluxe

vanillite vanillish vanilluxe

God dammit I just told you to stop putting bras on Pokemon!

If you don’t like 5th Gen Vanilluxe seems to be the prime example people use. And it is pretty indefensible, I’ve moaned before about designs that I didn’t think worked as real animals and you can’t make any sensible argument for the floating ice-cream cone.

But.

In a generation with a Gothic Lolita monster, an abortion monster, a walking candle and gears with faces ice cream cone with a face doesn’t really stand out. And they’re rapidly running out of ideas for ice types, beyond just taking an existing animal and making it white with some ice bits. It’s stupid, yes, but so adorably stupid that I can’t help but love it.

Deerling and Sawsbuck

deerling sawsbuck

As ever with a new feature comes a mascot Pokemon for it and this game introduces a season cycle. The idea being that with every change in season Deerling and Sawsbuck change to match it.

This is a great idea and whilst the execution on Deerling is meh the execution on Sawsbuck is fantastic. Turning his antlers into tree branches is a solid idea for  a plant type to start with and having those branches change like a tree changes in each season is just inspired. The actual animal underneath those branches is simple and uncluttered (so your eye is really drawn to the selling point, the antlers) but does subtly change season by season too. Sawsbuck is a terrific Pokemon, a real stand out of the generation.

Emolga

emolga

Why is this not an evolution for Pachirisu? It looks just like it except it flies. Dull.

Karrablast and Escavalier

karrablast escavalier

also

Shelmet and Accelgor

shelmetaccelgor

Although not next to each other in the Pokedex I’m dealing with these four together because of their relationship with one another. You see Shelmet and Karrablast only evolve when traded with each other. Shelmet busts out of its shell and turns into Accelgor whilst Karrablast starts wearing the shell to become Escavalier. That’s a kind of clever idea but these designs aren’t great.

Shelmet just looks stupid, entirely because of the lips. Those lips are dumb and I don’t think I need to explain why. And I have no idea what Karrablast even is. Some googling suggests it’s supposed to be a carabid beetle, which it in no way resembles.

Escavalier is okay, I like his lance arms but that’s it.

images (2)

Accelgor however I do like since it is a homage to masked rider and as previously mentioned i am all for Pokemon based on elements of Japanese culture.

Foongus and Amoongus

foongusamoonguss

This generation’s do-over of Voltorb whose gimmick was that he looked like a Pokeball. Remember kids, if anyone accuses Gen 5 of being unoriginal you point out that Gen 1 contained a ball with a face and his evolution, a bigger ball with a face.

Foongus is not as good as Voltorb though since he only looks a Pokeball from above.

Fillish and Jellicent

frillishjellicent

The concept of these two is spooky as hell. They rule an underwater castle, made of the ruins of sunken ships, together as king and queen and surrounded by courtiers. That is brilliantly creepy  without straying into the horror of child abduction or infinite slavery.

I don’t have much to say about female Jellicent because i’m too in awe of male Jellicent;s tremendous facial hair. He rivals Stoutland for most magnificent Pokemon moustache.

Alomomola

alomomola

Sunfish are such odd looking creatures that they make perfect Pokemon without really needing many changes but Nintendo decided to make this a more conceptually complicated creature by turning its fins into hands.

They do this a lot actually, Lugia, Kyogre, they’re quite big on turning things that aren’t hands into them. And then you get guys like Wobuffet staring at his useless stumps and praying for digits. It’s like Arceus only had  a limited number of hands and it was first come first serve.

Oh and the name is pallindromic (reads the same forwards as backwards) for an animal with greater than regular symmetry, I’d be more impressed if the name meant anything.

Joltik and Galvantula

joltikgalvantula

How cute is Joltik? The answer is all the cute, he is all the cute there ever was. The smallest Pokemon ever is logically based on a tick. I would have found it impressive that they made a tick cute but to make a tick look that cute is some kind of miracle.

And then it turns into out and out nightmare fuel. That’s cruel Nintendo. Funny though.

Ferroseed and Ferrothorn

ferroseedferrothorn

Boy there sure are a lot of inanimate objects with faces in this generation.

Klink, Klang and Klinklang

klink klangklinklang

Yep, lot’s of inanimate objects with faces.

At least they didn’t feel the need to stick a horn on them.

Tynamo, Elektrik and Elektross

tynamo eelektrikeelektross

Elektrik is based on a lamprey and since I am a cruel and sadistic man who enjoys tormenting others here is a photo of a lamprey’s face.

Boca_de_lamprea.1_-_Aquarium_Finisterrae

Oh you’ve seen it now, and you can never unsee it. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Elektross is based on a lamprey, but with arms, ARMS THAT ARE ALSO MOUTHS! That’s Lovecraftian in its horror.

Elgyem and Beheeyem

elgyembeheeyem

Little Green Man (LGM) and Bug Eyed Monster (BEM) here are boring anthro monsters with frankly bizarre heads. I get that Elgeeyem is supposed to look like a stylised “grey” alien but I don’t get the thinking behind Beheeyem at all.

Litwick, Lampent, Chandelure

litwicklampentchandelure

There are lots of ghost Pokemon that resemble objects and plenty of Pokemon this time around that are just inanimate objects with a face but what I appreciate about these three are the touches that elevate it above that concept. Like the pattern on Chandelur’s face that resembles a stitched mouth or the shape of Litwick’s wax resembling famous Japanese horror character Kitaro.

kitaro manga

Plus I just find candles to be quite spooky and ghostly things.

Axew, Fraxure and Haxorus

axewfraxurehaxorus

Axew and Fraxure look stupid, mostly because they’re generic dinosaurs whose defining feature, the blades, just look tacked on rather than integrated.

The axe is much more integrated on Haxorus and giant dinosaur with an axe for a face is the kind of ten year old fantasy Pokemon should be indulging more often.

I have to question the colouring choice of making the axe red though. That makes it look like it’s slathered in the blood of Haxorus’s enemies. These are kid’s games right?

Cubchoo and Beartic

cubchoobeartic

When I first saw Ursaring way back in Gen 2 my initial reaction was that they’d missed a trick by not making the bear an ice type, since there are so few ice animals and polar bears are one of the more prominent examples. Well evidently they thought the same as years later we finally get our polar bear. But rather than being just a white bear they have to give it some extra gimmick so now we have a snotty bear cub whose snot freezes into icicles. Eh, it’s okay. I feel they’ve missed a trick with Beartic since his proportions look odd. His head and shoulders are really small and his legs and lower body really big. It’s the wrong way round really, if they want to sell big, powerful bear monster it really needs big wide shoulders, as it is it looks really gangly.

Cryogonal

cryogonal

Cryogonal is why I don’t get all the hate for Vanillite because he has all the same problems but is infinitely more boring. It’s an inanimate object that cannot possibly move, breed, eat or be anything approaching a real animal, with a face. But, whereas Vanillite had stacks of persoanlity Cryogonal has barely any, you can barely tell a face is there. And it is simply covered in distracting and busy lines. It’s not even a good drawing of a snowflake since it lacks fractal details and is pretty blocky really. I hate everything about this Pokemon.

Stunfisk

stunfisk

This generation’s Slowpoke aka the dumb looking guy. He does look dumb, but that’s on purpose so you can’t criticise it. What I can criticise is the upside down exclamation mark on his back. What’s that all about, is he Spanish?

Mienfoo and Mienshao

mienfoomienshao

THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD DO FIGHTING TYPES NINTENDO.

Here’s the high concept here, Chinese martial artist, so they have the long baggy sleeves associated with traditional Chinese dress and Mienshao has the long moustache associated with Chinese folk characters like Pei Mei (who you may remember from Kill Bill part 2) but rather than sticking it on a boring anthro monster they stuck it on a weasel and it suddenly works, so, much, better! Being based on a real animal just gives it so much more of a coherent visual identity and for my money makes the non animal aspects (sleeves and moustaches, and that’s number three in the awesome moustache team by the way) pop out more.

These are great designs, especially Mienshao who looks sleek and deadly and fast, has stacks of personality in his expression and has a beautifully and subtly suggested high concept.

And also a great moustache.

Druddigon

druddigon

So, that’s where all the horns and spikes they usually stick on animals went in this generation then? All on poor Druddigon.

Poor guy, he looks like a 90’s comic character, give him some skulls and and some pouches and he’d be right at home in Bloodstrike.

Golett and Golurk

golettgolurk

Yeah, you guys already used the name “Golem” on a creature that wasn’t a golem and have used the golem concept before but with more a creation myth thing going on, now you’re just doing a straight up golem. That’s a touch lazy guys.

Actually, to be fair the concept here still isn’t a straight up golem so much as an ancient robot. And whilst a golem was an ancient robot this is much more robotic, having gears and command symbols and glowing with energy. Ancient civilisations creating a robot is neat idea but its not very pokemon-esque at all. In fact there are a lot of things here that you don’t see very often in pokemon, like the patterns on the shoulder pads and fists, and the eyes which have kind of an Incan thing going on with them. But then the shape and the skirt is more Greek. They certainly do a good job of invoking ancient civilisations but I think the high concept might be too far out there for Pokemon. What about this is an animal?

Pawniard and Bisharp

pawniardbisharp

Of all the things I thought they’d make Pokemon out of, a pawn and a bishop from chess would have ranked really low down on my guesses.

These two are out and out messes. Pawniard is shaped basically like a pawn but seems to have been inflicted with a variant of 90’s “spikes everywhere” disease known as “blades everywhere.”

I mean the head one is okay, the hand ones are fine, but the chest ones? They look dumb and add nothing.

Bisharp is even worse, he looks nothing like a a bishop, has even more extraneous blades and also has a fourth colour added which just makes it even more busy.

Bouffalant

bouffalant

This is a buffalo with an afro, a buffalafro if you will. There is nothing about that, that isn’t amazing.

Rufflet and Braviary

ruffletbraviary

Native Americans have feathers in their headdresses, let’s do a bird that looks like a  Native American brave. That’s a fine concept  okay execution except, again, Braviary has weird proportions. His neck is too long and his legs too long to be a convincing eagle, he looks more like a stork/eagle hybrid and I have no idea why.

Vullaby and Mandibuzz

vullabymandibuzz

That baby is wearing a human skull as a diaper.

Soooo how does that work then? Because when you hatch a Vullaby it already has the skull. Is it like a death’s head moth thing and it only looks like a skull but is just part of Vullaby? Or is the first thing a Vullaby does in this life dismember a human to hide its shame?

Either way it seems very cute for something wearing! a! fucking! skull!

Mandibuzz has a btucher’s apron and a bone thorugh its top knot which I’d say would be racist, but its a vulture, not a person. So I guess it gets away with it.

Heatmor and Durant

heatmordurant

I’m less surprised that t took us 5 generations to do an ant than some of the other animals that took this long (seriously still no tiger, cheetah, panda or gorilla still) because, well, ants are tiny and kind of hard to make monsters from. The solution they came up with was not that inspired, just make a regular ant bigger and colour it so it looks like steel.

Heatmor fares a bit better since steel ant implies a difficult challenge for an anteater and making his tongue flame was an elegant solution. The rest of his design is a mish-mash of pointless elements though, what’s up with his wrist bands? And I don’t even want to know what’s going with his crotch.

Deino, Zweilous and Hydreigon

deinozweiloushydreigon

Two words, bad and ass.

Let’s get the dull stuff out of the way first, we have a monster who goes from one head, to two, to three and the name is a riff on the german counting system, ein, zwei, drei. That in itself is awesome. The monster that concept was attached to is a generic dragon but that’s fine since the aim is to focus on the heads. The execution of the heads is great, especially as the closed pattern opens up like bus on a flower coming into bloom. I also like how much Deino looks like a Beatle.

Really though this trio is all about Zweilous, a three headed dragon with scary torn wings and terrifying eyes swooping down from the sky to rain destruction upon you. He’s even a rare example of something with what seems to be an extraneous line but that I can point to and explain, the purple liens break up what would otherwise be a boring expanse of blue.

Okay, he’s a shameless rip off of King Ghidora.

king-ghidorah

But you know what, King Ghidora is my favourite Kaiju. So if you’re going to rip something off, rip off the best.

Larvesta and Volcarona

larvestavolcarona

It’s a caterpillar and a moth done in a cartoony style. What is there to say. My only comment is I like that the fire typing is subtly incorporated in the sun pattern on the wings and….head spike, things rather than just making it bright red. Volcarona is a fantastic Pokemon in game but a lackluster design.

Cobalion, Terrakion and Virizion

cobalionterrakionvirizion

The next (after Victini) of a whopping 13 different legendaries introduced in this generation (still less than Diamond, Pearl and Platinum at 14 though) featuring two completely separate trinities of characters what we have here is the three musketeers re-imagined as deer/antelopes. The three muske-deers if you will. That’s a neat idea, the three musketeers are a classic trio of characters with distinct personalities, the fat boozer, the classy womanizer and the more serious and heroic one reflected respectively in Terrakion, Virizion and Cobalion. I also like the idea of linking the sword fighting the musketeers were famous for with the horns of a deer/antelope.

What I like the most about this trinity though is that these look like three different animals but they also look like a trinity with enough shared elements to link them together. Pokemon has done this before of course, the legendary birds and legendary dogs were examples of this but they’ve also messed it up before (Uxie, Mesprit and Azelf). Even the shared elements though suggest personality rather than being copied across. All three have a shoe design but Cobalion has spats, reflecting his classy nature, Terrakion has sandals suggesting Japanese martial artists and Virizion has feminine boots. Similarly all three have horns, but Cobalion’s are high and proud, Terakions massive and curved forward and bulky and Virizion’s curved and feminine.

These are strong individual designs but really shine as a trio.

Keldeo

keldeo-resolute keldeo-ordinary

And to go with the three musketeers we have Dartagnian, the younger more impetuous wannabe member.

On its own this is not a terribly brilliant design. We have a unicorn with the tail replaced with a wave design, something similar to Rapidash but much less well executed, particularly because of the bright red mane which detracts from the water theme.

But teamed with the three muskedeers the design sings a lot more, how do you do a younger, weaker version of the muskedeers? You give it only one horn. boom, instant symbolism, the rest of the design really takes care of itself after that.

For some reason we get two versions of Keldeo, a normal form on the right and a Resolute form on the left. I vastly prefer the resolute form .For starters the horn is much clearer and more prominent and as that is the main symbolic element it really should be. On the normal form the weird blue bits don’t really look like anything, they just detract from the middle horn and make it look like Keldeo has some kind of armoured forehead. Also the pose and facial expression on the resolute form just says Dartagnian to me more.

Tornadus, Thundrus and Landorus

tornadus-incarnate   landorus-incarnatethundurus-incarnate

And here we get our next trio, and one of the laziest things Pokemon has ever done. This is exactly the opposite way to do a trio and the far worst one. The three muskedeers were three different animals with shared design elements. This is the same monster with a pallette swap and some design elements shifted. It looks like a copy-paste and it is terrible.

I’m not a huge fan of the monster design once to be honest, let alone three times. It’s a riff on Fujin and Raijin the Japanese gods of wind and thunder who are usually represented thus.

fujin_raijin1

As you can see they’ve taken that basic design and shifted some elements around. Rather than standing on the cloud the cloud becomes a bottom half and the row of drums or bag of wind turns into a kind of tail/tentacle feature. It’s not bad in concept but in execution it has a serious problem. It just looks too much like a guy. I think this might be what I dislike about Anthro monsters. You capture these guys and put them in a ball. I find it much easier to do that to a cat or dog based monster than something that looks like a guy, complete with arms folded and another fantastic moustache. That feels too close to slavery.

Fortunately Nintendo solved that problem by revealing these are illusionary forms of these monsters and actually they really look like this.

tornadus-therianlandorus-therianthundurus-therian

So this is much better. For starters they look like animals and like the Muskedeers they look like different animals with shared design elements. It’s just now the design elements are problematic. The shared design elements seem to be clouds, those tail/tentacles and bitching moustaches. But now it’s not clear that they’re supposed to refer to Fujin and Raijin. If you looked at Tornadus you would see bird, you would see cloud but you would never think Japanese wind god. It’s as if the uninspired designs had to exist for these better ones to make sense, and if that’s the case you just need to start over again as clearly this is an ill conceived concept Nintendo.

They have other problems too, most notably Thundurus’s bra, belly button piercing and low hipped pants. He’s dressed like a stripper, and it’s bad enough that they’re doing sexy Pokemon again but he still has the moustache! That, that’s just confusing.

Reshiram and Zekrom

reshiramzekrom

It really says a lot that about how the quality of the colouring has improved that we can have a monster that’s only white coloured and another that’s only black coloured and yet they still make sense, can have highlights and levels of shading on them. And I suppose with the game being called “Black and White” they have to at least try and do a mono-colour design, kudos for pulling it off.

Beyond that I don’t have much complimentary to say here. These are two fairly generic video game dragons. They don’t look like Pokemon, they have too many extraneous lines and no obvious high concept hook to be a Pokemon, they look more like a Digimon or hell a Yu-Gi-Oh design. The one distinctive feature of them, the generator/jet engine tail is poorly conceived and poorly integrated. You have a sleek silhouette on Zekrom that looks like some sort of dangerous super fast dragon and than give him a massive fat arse, it spoils it.

Of the two I prefer Zekrom though since I like his wings better  I prefer his reptilian face to Reshiram’s fox face and he lacks Reshiram’s disturbing feather cock.

Kyurem

   

kyurem-normal

Well this is an absolute mess.

I honestly don’t know where to start with how bad this is. He has all the same problems as Zekrom and Reshiram, (fat arse, cluttered lines) without the saving grace of being monocolour and with a few new problems to boot. Like his gimpy arms. Or how the pose makes it look like his right wing is smaller. I didn’t think perspective mistakes would be a thing I’d criticise a professional artist for but, just look at it. It’s even worse in game I assure you. And what on earth are the weird glass tips on the end of his wings meant to be?

You know what’s even worse, Kyurem is meant to reference 9/11. Yes, the terror attacks on New York, that 9/11. You see this generation is based on New York and Kyurem is said to have fallen from the sky. He lives in a scarred and destroyed area of Unova destroyed by his impact, that’s supposed to be ground zero and he’s supposed to look like a plane. I can kind of see the plane design, especially if you focus on the lighter grey elements, but just, Jesus. Way to keep it classy Japan. 9/11 is really something I want to think about in my children’s video game.

Ah ha, but, like Torandus, Thundurus and Landorus Kyurem got a second set of forms in Black and White 2.  So maybe like that trio he has a terrible design here as part of some link to a better design coming.

Let’s see.

kyurem-blackkyurem-white

Sigh.

So the idea here is that Kyurem, Reshiram and Zekrom used to be the same monster. Years ago the three split with Zekrom and Reshiram becoming two halves of the same coin and Kyurem a kind of withered husk they left behind. But in the second game an item called the DNA splicer is found allowing Zekrom or Reshiram to recombine with Kyurem.

I think the nicest thing I can say is that they should do look like a fused together monster. There are better ways to do that involving visual cohesion and thought but, sure, you could just slap different bits of each monster together and call it a day, that works too.

Meloetta

meloetta-pirouettemeloetta-aria

Oh thank god a good one.

Meloetta is a boring anthro monster (trademarked) but one with a gimmick and clever integration of the gimmick is really all an anthro design needs to elevate it to decent. In Meloetta’s case she’s music based and much of her design is based around musical notation, especially her arms and her hair (which is simply sheet music coloured in). The two separate forms sell two different ways of enjoying music, aria is a singer complete with dramatic gestures and a radio mike and pirouette form is a ballet dancer complete with tutu skirt. Everything else is pretty much a straight line suggesting legs and a head. It’s not the best design but it’s absolutely fine.

Genesect

genesect

This is a Kabutops.

And above is what happens when a team of criminals turns one into a cybernetic uber-predator.

Genesect is one of only two Pokemon designs that just straight up have a gun strapped to them, the other being Blastoise. And while Blastoise having cannons makes little sense in Gensect’s case it is because bad guys strapped a cannon on it. This raises the question of if you’re allowed to strap guns to Pokemon in organised Pokemon leagues. I’d assume not or you’d see a lot of suicide bombing Rattata, unless nobody thought to do it before now.

This is a gimmick Pokemon, the gimmick being, it has a gun on its back and really the design all works to sell that, the hunched pose, the minimal details on the legs and arms. The only other element we really need to care about is the face which looks dangerous and evil, especially with the double pupils in the eyes. This is not the best design but it achieves out what it wants to do comfortably.

Oh and it can turn into a spaceship too.

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I want my transforming Genesect toy and I want it now, so I imagine that’s mission accomplished for the design team on that one.

Overall Gen 5 is easily my favourite generation. Although people moan about the ice cream monster and the garbage monster really there’s worse or similarly bad designs in other generations. Most of the bad Pokemon here are either copies of each other (the Tornadus trio) or stuck with unnecessary details (Pawniard) not rip offs of older designs. Most of the variations on older designs, (Munna, Pidove, Drillbur) are vast improvements on the originals or at least distinct enough to be their own monster not just a rip off. Then we get original ideas that are fantastic, like fiery wrestling pigs, evil chandeliers, the three muskedeers and Dartagnian. It’s  a great balance between originality and classic ideas and I love this generation.

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I have a big Kit-Kat related announcement to unveil to the world shortly but before then I have some Kit-Kat related house cleaning to do. Literally, in that these things are taking up space in my house. So let’s discuss a few more of the internet’s favourite chocolate bar. Okay my favourite chocolate bar. Okay, my chocolate bar I have inescapably affixed myself to despite not really liking them all that much.

Cookies and Cream

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We’re starting off with an English flavour for a change and one that seems designed to stick around for a while rather than being a strictly temporary thing, cookies and cream. Obviously this is a pretty standard flavour combination  but it’s a slightly odd one because, well, kit-kat already is a biscuit, so you’re doing at least in part a cookie flavoured cookie. That seems a little redundant. This is only available as part of Kit-Kat’s multipack line, a long strip of foil containing 8 x 2 fingered standard smaller Kit-Kats. The same line also does a mint and an orange flavour and once upon a time, long, eons ago, did a caramac flavour that was my favourite sweet in the world as a child. CIMG4322

And speaking of childhood the kats inside this packet are a huge nostalgic throwback. You see Kit-Kat nowadays usually comes packaged in a plastic wrapper, it’s cheaper, it’s less wasteful and it keeps the chocolate fresh. But it used to come in a foil wrapper with a bit of paper around the foil with the logo and design printed on it. Obviously that used to be cheaper until cheap plastic production became the norm. But in the multipack line the individual kats are foil wrapped! This is incredibly exciting for me and deeply nostalgic. For those of you who don’t know there is a set way you must open a foil Kit-Kat. And god help you if you do not abide by this in my presence, no jury in England would convict me because we all know this is the only right and proper way. First, you remove the paper sleeve, preferably whole. Then you run your finger along the middle of the foil in between the two bars of the KitKat opening up a thin slit. Then with the foil still on you break the bar in two. This means each individual bar still has its own foil wrapper attached, keeping them fresh if you want to space out your eating which was one of the original reasons Kit-Kats were so popular and which is something no child has done in the history of ever. Other than being foil wrapped the rest of the packaging for the cookies and cream is dull and functional, red colour, blue colour, picture of a cookie and some cream, big logo, calorie info, yawn, yawn, yawn. I will give it props for making the individual wrappers solid blue rather than feeling the need to cram some red on there. CIMG4323

The chocolate is two toned with standard Kit-Kat chocolate on the bottom and white chocolate on top applied in a sort of wavy fashion so it isn’t evenly mixed. The smell is pure old fashioned regular Kit-Kat with no suggestion of creaminess. The taste? Really, very good. I wouldn’t have called this cookies and cream but the mix of chocolate and white chocolate works well as you’d expect. I also think the white chocolate is a cut above what most companies use since it is nice and creamy not just cotton wooly. There is no depth of flavour though, you get chocolate, you get cream and then you get ultra sweet and an after taste that’s just pure saccharine (despite this apparently not being artificially sweetened). The uber sweet after taste works well with tea though and really that’s what you need a Kit-Kat to do.

Ujimatcha Latte

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Yet another green tea variant but one that ties in to the cookies and cream quite nicely since it has a layer of chocolate on the bottom too. Unlike the cookies and cream though we have solid blocks here no mixing of flavours. Japan doesn’t like colours mixing. I’ve mentioned matcha before on this website and how I really don’t get it. Matcha is the special green tea made from a concentrated green powder. If you’ve ever seen anyone mention Japanese tea ceremony this is the stuff they use. It’s not regular green tea (which I like) but an incredibly bitter blend that is basically undrinkable on its own. Typically it isn’t drunk on its own though but rather combined with a ridiculously sweet cake, or mixed into a drink with other sweeteners. I get that mixing sweet and bitter is nice and adds depth of flavour but matcha is typically too bitter and the cake too sweet too work for me. It works quite well as a Kit-Kat flavour though since the sweet chocolate nestle makes contrasts with the bitterness of the flavouring, I don’t know how adding more chocolate would help though. CIMG4375

Whilst the U.K. has fairly standard kit-kat packaging Japan makes it in seemingly any size they like. The U.K. has chunkys, four bars and two bars. Japan has four bars, two bars, two bars but shorter (minis) chunkys, single bars, single bars that are thicker than a normal bar and here we have a single bar which is thicker than a normal bar but also shorter. I’ve photographed it next to a single bar from the U.K. for comparison. I don’t know what the thinking behind that is but I assume it has something to do with when and with what you’re supposed to eat each flavour. Or maybe a result of the factory machines running idle, I dunno, I’m an insider with nestle. Hmmm, I really should get one of those. I can suggest flavour combinations and ask what the hell they were thinking with lemon vinegar. Starting with the main packet I remember why I reviewed the packets in the first place, they’re hilariously over designed. I count 18 distinct design elements on that image and that’s not including the calorie information, that is ridiculous. Do we really need 2 separate labels telling us that this Kit-Kat is fuwafuwa (fluffy)?  Or 3 telling us it’s ujimatacha latte flavoured (2 in Japanese, 1 in English)? Other than the over design there’s some not bad stuff going on here. Other than the big splodge of eye spoiling red the colours work well. The kat itself is brown on the bottom, green on top so the packet is brown on the bottom, green on top. But the swirls and the various shades of green give it some visual interest. They also evoke the colours of starbucks which is never a bad thing if you’re selling a coffee or tea flavour. I like how the green colours seem to be rising like smoke from the latte. I also like the addition of white, a colour from the latte, to break up the colours and help the kat photo pop from the page.

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The individual wrapper has the same problems and strengths, nice colours that work well together and suggest coffee shop, overly designed with too many elements, plus a big eye spoiling red splodge. So how does it taste? Well firstly it smells really strongly of green tea the minute you open the packet. And these Kit-Kats are fairly old by now, I got them before X-Mas, so I can only imagine what they smelled like fresh. Unless the odour has had time to develop. Like a fine wine. Vintage Kit-Kats? No, better not give them ideas. The first thing I noticed is there’s about half the wafer you’d expect and a lot more chocolate. And the fluffy chocolate lives up to its billing. From the picture I was expecting something similar to an Aero (if you’re not British google it) but it actually just is really soft chocolate. Really soft, softer than I can remember tasting before. It’s almost more like a mouse but just slightly firmer than a mousse would be. Taste wise it’s the reverse of what I’d expect, rather than being bitter with a sweet aftertaste the sweetness hits early and then the bitter matcha flavour cuts through. It’s nice and creamy though with a soft milky finish assisted by the fluffy chocolate. This has remarkable depth of flavour and subtlety for a Kit-Kat and doesn’t commit the cardinal sin of most kit-kats, even green tea ones, of being way too sweet. This is a nice, balanced, adult biscuit. The chocolate is advertised as milk but I think its darker than regular nestle chocolate anyway. This is a winner here guys, so much so that I’ve eaten three just to do this review.

Gran Wafer

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Now they’re just being silly. Less a flavour and more a concept here we have an inside out Kit-Kat, a deconstructed Kit-Kat, a Kit-Kat with the wafer on the outside. Madness! Now, I spend a lot of time on this website moaning about the shitty, shitty chocolate nestle makes and how it mostly tastes of soap. But it isn’t like the wafer is the saving grace of the Kit-Kat. Nobody likes wafer, nobody craves more wafer. Wafer is not exciting. It’s there to provide a texture and taste of nothing, that’s all it does or indeed can do. You need it to add structure and crunch to chocolate it is not an end in itself. Ah but this is “Gran Wafer” not plain old regular wafer, it’s darker in colour. So maybe the wafer is flavoured itself and that makes up for it, or it’s some kind of special wafer. Since Gran could mean literally anything maybe it makes you orgasm in your mouth. Let’s see. CIMG4377

Once again they’ve created an entirely new size for this flavour. This time we’re as thick as a regular bar but less than half the size, but a little bit taller. It’s also packaged differently, coming in a fancy box instead of a bog standard bag and containing 10 kats, which is more than you usually get in a box. For once the red isn’t an eyesore. Since this isn’t a flavour per se but more a different style of Kit-Kat using the red and white makes sense. They’ve also improved the basic design, adding a gradient and some gold to make it look more expensive and adult. They’ve also added some brown to the colour scheme to denote lovely yummy chocolate and again to be a bit more adult. It’s all the same Kit-Kat colours but it looks like a far classier product. We’ve even got gold foil lettering! And a little gold thing with crossed hexagon pattern announcing sakusaku wafer (crispy wafers). Because why not ad an elaborately designed gold thing, people like those right? CIMG4379

The individual wrappers keep the red gradient and gold colours but spend most of the space on the back explaining how you open them, which turns out to be unnecessarily fiddly. I have never struggled to open a kit-kat before but this required me to find a specific unmarked area and pull in opposite directions, spilling wafer crumbs all over myself. Not a good start. The wafer is certainly much crispier, in fact it’s a much chewier and chunkier biscuit over all. It’s not flavoured though that I can tell. The chocolate is much, much richer than a regular Kit-Kat. In fact it almost tastes more like cocoa powder than chocolate. That’s a good thing because, as mentioned previously, nestle chocolate is usually terrible but this is nice, rich, even slightly bitter. However, the extra wafer and the cocoa powder add up to a slightly unpleasant texture that coasts your mouth so the slightly bitter after taste tends to linger for a good long while. Whilst the richer chocolate is nice the extra wafer adds nothing really and I’d have rather had a dark chocolate regular Kit-Kat. Overall these aren’t brilliant but they are an improvement on a regular Kit-Kat and they would work well with tea or coffee. Well, that’s all for this week, next week is the last of my pokemon reviews and then the week after we start looking at every regional Kit-Kat ever. Yes, you heard me, all of them. All £50.00 worth. God help me I am a sick man.

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