If there is one thing I love in life it’s an epic failure.

That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate good things. I like good films and good comics. But unfortunately I studied English literature, and what that does to you is to implant something in your brain that constantly analyses the media you’re experiencing. I can’t just watch a film anymore. When I watch a film my brain is looking at plot holes, plot structure, themes, cinematography, how this relates to the history of the medium or the genre, what it’s influences are, etc, etc, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t switch that part of my brain off for the world. When something is truly a great piece of media that analysis just improves it.┬áBut it also means that a lot of very mediocre stuff goes from; “that’s okay,” to “eurrrgh I hate this,” purely because I can’t shut the Gremlin of analysis in my brain up. My favourite example is probably Prometheus. I saw that film in the cinema and thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked the visuals, I loved the sound and I was having a good time. But as I walked home I started thinking through the plot and coming up with plot hole after plot hole. By the time I got home I hated Prometheus and still do.

It’s precisely because of this that I love so bad it’s good media. I love when everything a creator sets out to do fails dismally, because my analysis Gremlin knows these have all failed but it’s like a great film in reverse. Every thing I can pick apart just makes it funnier and funnier. I cna not only make fun of the plot but the production design, the sound design, the use of stock effects, it’s a fractal of crap.

There’s an element of irony to it, sure, but I am not sarcastic in my love for something like Birdemic or Troll 2 or The Room. I love these things in ways the creators didn’t intend but I love them far more than I love Memento or Star Wars or Citizen Kane.

All of which is a long build up to say I absolutely adore the Eurovision Song Contest which is usually a parade of bat shit insanity and creative failure with so much money, effort and promotion into it that guys like Tommy Wiseau would dream of. I wish Tommy Wiseau was given the option to fail as hard as your average Eurovision contestant.

Sadly this year the acts were disappointingly competent but that doesn’t mean it was entirely without Eurovision’s trademark car crash T.V. joy.

The award for weirdest song of the night easily goes to Romania

You have to give the guy credit for his singing, he is nailing those high notes. That doesn’t stop it sounding horrible though.

Also, nice dress.

But probably the best song in terms of comedic potential and also the most traditionally Eurovision song is Finland’s entry, Marry Me

I agree with Graham Norton here, that is terrifying. It’s something to do with her eyes when she says “I’ll do it for you.” it makes my little Adam shrivel up and run away in case he gets hacked off and boiled.

Also, “I’ll be you slave,” “I’ll change my last name,” Jesus woman it’s 2013 you’re embarrassing all the feminists.

And furthermore, her masked backing dancers. They look like 1966 Batman villains. In fact with her psychotic grin and themed thugs she could easily be a Batman villain, The Bride! Her evil plan is to marry Batman.

Greece had the very real danger that they might win with this catchy folk/punk number.

Fortunately for Greece they didn’t, but it would have been funny to see what would have happened if they’d had to shell out the money for Eurovision.

Not only do I genuinely like the song but it has hilarious lyrics too. If you look up a translation it’s all about getting lost in a boat and not caring because you’re pissed, and at one point the boat has wheels, which is a terrible design for a boat. I suspect it might be a metaphor for something, possibly to do with not caring that your country is utterly fucked, but who knows.

Also, Greece I hate to break it to you but Alcohol isn’t free. It’s surprisingly expensive, especially in Sweden. Is alcohol free in Greece? If so that might go a long way to explaining why their economy is in the toilet.


Moldova’s haircut bothered me for a while whilst I tried to figure out what it reminded me of. Then I realised, it looks like a prawn.


Lithuania sang second and seemed to be ignored by most people but I was in love with his wonderfully bizarre metaphor about how he has one shoe named pain and another named love.

Now I know it’s a metaphor but…for what?

The best part about this song coming so early in the night is that it allowed us to assume that every reference to love from then on in referred to this guy’s shoe. Such as this entry from Belgium which is much funnier if you interpret it as “shoes kill.”

Armenia decided to sing a song expressing their appreciation for Lonely Planet guide books.

They repeatedly ask “Who has done it?” Silly Armenians, if you just check the back of the book it tells you.

The Ukraine entry was carried into the studio by a giant ogre of some description.


Fortunately there was an elf (he’s tried to hide it with the beard but he’s still speaking Elvish) to fight the ogre.

And that’s it for the stray humorous observations. The winner was some dull dance/pop effort like it always is and not really worth talking about. Instead why don’t you watch the best song Eurovision has ever produced.

That’s right, I love Belarus.

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