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Wrestling

So if you were all curious about my Cherry Blossom crisps then I’ve come to let you out of your misery. They were nice. Very nice. Very, very nice but they had a flavour that’s hard to describe. Mostly they tasted of potato, olive oil and pepper but there was something else there that wasn’t even remotely like cherry but was definitely pleasant. It’s subtle and hard to describe. I certainly recommend getting them if you come to Japan in Spring.

I also picked up this little curiosity recently.

Yes, beer flavoured toffee. I have already had one product from this company called “Genghis Khan Toffee” which had pictures of grilled caramelising meat on the front. The Genghis Khan toffee did indeed taste like meaty toffee. The first one was quite nice but for some reason all subsequent pieces I ate tasted horrible. In the end having sat around my house for months and occasionally being nibbled on I gave on. Beer Toffee though was too weird to pass up.

How does it taste? Like toffee that has gone off frankly. It has that vaguely sweet taste I associate with rotting; horrible stuff. I’ll see if I can fob it off on a teacher.

Pu-ro-re-su

I may have mentioned Hard Gay on this website before and if I haven’t here’s the short version.

Hard Gay or Razor Ramon is a straight man who acts like an outrageous homosexual and is dressed in biker leathers. He’s a sort of Japanese Sacha Baron Cohen who goes into the street doing good deeds and then simulates buggery afterwards i.e. helping and old lady cross the road and then thrusting his crotch at her after he does so. He is huge in Japan and mildly funnier than most Japanese comedians although still not exactly my cup of tea. My girlfriend’s brother loves him though and I bet my brother would too.

His funniest and best stunt ever was going into the Japanese Hasbro offices and convincing them to make a Hard Gay version of pop-up pirate. And they did!

And here it is.

What I didn’t know until recently is that Hard Gay used to be a wrestler! This set wheels turning in my head. I have never really been a huge wrestling fan (too much macho shouting and sweaty men) but if Japanese wrestling features men pretending to be outrageous homosexuals then maybe it might be some glorious spectacle with tongue firmly placed in cheek.

As usual I underestimated the Japanese madness.

D.D.T and it’s sister league 666 are one of a vast number of competing Japanese puroresu leagues. Some of these leagues actually aren’t faked and feature prper competitive wrestling of a type not really seen anywhere outside the Olympics. D.D.T is not one of these leagues.
D.D.T has a title called the Ironman Heavyweight Title. The rules are simple. The belt can be challenged for at any time in any way so long as there is a referee present. Initially it started off as a parody of American wrestling but very quickly this competition went in a truly insane direction.

The D.D.T. Ironman Heavyweight Title has been won by

A wrestler called BIO-monster DNA

Masashi Kakuta – a man who is not actually a wrestler

The Great Mampuku – a character from a Kids TV show

AD Yamamoto – Mampuku’s enemy in the same show

Seito Kaicho – the president of the Japanese Student Association

A ladder (it fell on the title holder and was granted the win)

Shouichi Ichimiya – a man who subsequently had t wrestle a ladder and took it completely seriously, faking hits from the ladder and acting like any other match.

Erika Yamakawa – a Japanese pop-star. Basically imagine Katie Melua in a wrestling match

Another ladder

Someone known only by the rather cryptic name of Susan

A taxi driver

A monkey named Yatchan, who then fought in a 5 man battle royale

Yuka Nakamura – an actual wrestler who pins the previous title holder at a bus stop

Tannie Mouse – an actual wrestler who pins Yuka Nakamura in a ladies toilet in a service station

A chef – who pins Tannie Mouse at a hot springs resort she was visiting

Haruka Matsuo – who pins the above chef WHILST HE IS ASLEEP!

Kaori Yoneyama – who won it legitimately but decided that ebing the 199th Champion was too cumbersome so immediately gave up the title for a free for all.

DJ Nira – a DJ

Kitty-Chan – a HELLO KITTY STUFFED DOLL!

Mah-kun – another stuffed doll.

A television camera

A wrestler called Lingerie Mutoh

President Ramu – a 12 year old girl and president of the 666 group who routinely lifts grown men up and choke slams them. She gives up the title because she thinks it would be “cool” if the 666th champion is someone from the 666 group.
However she is the 293rd champion so what happens is that Shinobi and Yuukoh Miyamoto swap the belt in a game of rock paper scissor 304 times.

Sayoko Mita – a news presenter (can you imagine John Snow wrestling?)

Naoshi Sano – who puts the belt up for auction.

One more ladder

Cocolo – a miniature dachshund

Megumi Grace Asano – a referee

A baseball bat

And finally Reiji Azuma – an elementary school boy who is then beaten by three elementary school girls.

Nowhere else in the world can you see the spectacle of a grown man pretending to fight and then pretending to lose to a Hello Kitty doll.

And since this is an odds and ends post here is President Ramu.

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