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It took me so long to do my entire set of Pokemon reviews (I wrote jokes and analysis for more than 649 entries, I’ve done something like 30,000 words on the damn things) that before I had even finished 6th generation had already been announced. We’ve seen a few Gen 6 monsters but the one that everyone seems most fascinated by is this guy.

Sylveon

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Which is a new Eeveelution. Although my dislike of new evolutions of old monsters is on record on this site and others I make an exception for Eeveelutions. The basic concept of Eevee, he’s a little squirrel dog with the potential to evolve into multiple types much like how dog breeders can get a lot of shapes out of the same basic genetic material, is fantastic and the only problem with it is he can’t evolve into every type yet. This is a problem, and I firmly believe Eevee should be given an evolution for every type in the game. I’m also not the only that feels this way; something I’ll get to later.

Because of that news of a new Eeveelution was greeted with much rejoicing by me.

And then I saw it.

Wow that thing is, girly, very, very girly. I mean not only is it pink but it has bows and ribbons, give it a my little pony and it’s the platonic ideal of a seven year old girl.

I actually don’t have a problem with the girly though, this is a fine design. Basic uncluttered body with a few distinguishing elements. My only gripe is the tail and ears haven’t been incorporated as well as other eeveelutions. With something like Jolteon the ears and tail scream electric type at you, same with Vaporeon and Leafeon. Ah but there’s the rub, what type is Sylveon?

When Nintendo released the image they intentionally kept the typing a secret, indeed they made a big deal out of it and the internet has been trying to figure out what type she is ever since. Based on appearance alone I’d have to go for normal type. There are plenty of Pokemon whose defining design characteristics are big pink ears, pinkness in general and girly touches like bows and ribbons. Chansey, Snubbul, Audino, Wigglytuff. These are all normal types. Thing is, giving a normal type evolution to a normal type Eevee is a bit boring and it doesn’t make sense for Nintendo to make a big deal out of a normal type so many people seem to think Sylveon is actually a new type.

I can buy that.

We haven’t had a new type since Gen 2 and Gen 6 looks to be a much bigger change to the core game mechanics than any since Gen 2.  We’re moving into 3 dimensional movement and polygonal displays (way to catch up with 1996 Pokemon. awww, I’m kidding. I loves ya.) and a big change isn’t out of the question. The trailer also makes a big deal out of light and sound with new Pokemon Xernias being bathed in light and Yvetal making a loud noise. The current theory is that all the Pokemon with similar designs to Sylveon, bows, pink, big ears could be moved into a new type called light, fairy or even sound. My only request is I’d still like to see some of the existing types get an Eeveelution. Like I said though, fans are ahead of me there and have come up with some Eeveelution concepts of their own. My favourite is this one.

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This guy is part of a set of Eeveelution designs I saw posted on pokememes.com . I couldn’t find the original artist so if anyone does know who drew these please let me know so I can credit them accordingly. Honestly these are the best fan Pokemon designs I’ve ever seen, they perfectly replicate Sugimori-San’s art style and the colouring quality and they show a lot of invention and thought.

My favourite of the bunch is the fighting type above. I like that its still recognisably a dog and still on four legs but that you can tell straight away this is a fighting type. A lot of that goes into the taped up legs which really says martial arts but other touches lie the shortened tail and ears and the scar sell the idea too. It’s a great design and I’d love to see it crop up in a future Pokemon game.

Second favourite is the flying type.

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Most flying type Eevee’s I’ve seen just go the lazy route and give it wings. This design does turn the tail into wings but what’s far cleverer is turning the furry puffs into clouds. Turning a poodle into clouds is again, recognisably a dog but also says flying type at you. The pose helps too since it appears to be flying but also looks like a happy dog running to greet its master.

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Ghost is another great one. We’ve got a lot of variety in dog body shapes here and I love the long floppy spaniel ears, something no other Eeveelution has. The ears folded down works well to suggest melancholy and helps it stand out from the others and sell the ghost idea too. Plus bandages is such a simple addition to make it a ghost but works so well.

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Poison is not a brilliant entry. Although a very attractive looking design a lot of people mistakenly thought this was the ghost type. That’s because not a lot here says poison. The one big poison symbol is turning Eevee’s fur ruff into a cloud of poisonous gas. That’s very clever and very striking but can be mis-read as suggesting a ghost type. Maybe making it a sickly black and yellow colour rather than purple would help.

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Ground is a hard type to define since so many ground types are so varied and it can be easily confused with the rock type. I’m not sure what individual element here says ground but something about the whole does suggest it. It’s also another striking and attractive design.

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Normal poses a challenge since there is nothing at all intrinsic to normal types. Instead they took the already normal type Eevee and just altered the proportions to make it look more like an adult and less childlike. So we have a large body, longer limbs and a smaller head in proportion to the rest of the body. Basic, but assured.

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Steel and Rock are pretty similar. Replace the ears, tail and ruff with something made of the element. They aren’t bad by any stretch of the imagination but there’s nothing clever here. Maybe making them into a different kind of dog would help, like a bulldog for rock or a great dane for steel.

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Bug and Dragon are probably the only entries I don’t like and even they have features I think are good. I like how bug’s ears get turned into antennae and his extra eyes. I think the wings are overkill and more could be done with the tail such as making it a scorpion tail.

For Dragon I like the horns but again more could have been done with them making them proper Japanese dragon antlers. I’m not a fan of the tail or wings and think maybe turning the feet into claws would help. Also the colouration is a little similar to bug, steel and flying, why not something more dragony like an orange or green?

So a real Eeveelution and some fan Eeveelutions. And with that I’m all done with Pokemon stuff until we start getting a few more Gen 6 designs to critique.

Generation 5 is one of the more polarising generations with a lot of people really, really hating it. The common criticisms of it are that the designs are unoriginal, basically just re-dos of earlier monsters, and that some of the designs are just irredeemably stupid in concept such as an Ice Cream monster.

Whilst I can certainly understand these complaints I can’t agree with them. For me Generation 5 is a superb generation. Not only does it have tons of original ideas it also has polish. The designs strike a wonderful balance between the early, iconic stuff and the later more complicated designs without featuring tons of extraneous details. The colours aren’t overly fussy but pop and compliment each other. It’s just overall great.

Partly this is because Nintendo seemed to take to heart the criticisms of generation 4 and took a real back to basics approach with the games Black and White. For the first time since Red and Blue we get 150 all new monsters. No evolutions or prevolutions of older monsters and no monsters from original games appearing at all in this one, until much later in the game at the very least. In that sense it’s a lot like generation one. And that’s not the only Gen 1 throwback either, consequently you get a lot of homages to older designs. Now I know that I criticised the last generation for going to the RGBY well too much but the approach taken in Gen 5 is much better. These aren’t extra evolutions but a reinterpretation of a similar idea, and usually a more confident and developed interpretation to boot. I’ll discuss that aspect more in individual entries.

The other big design theme is the concept of New York. The Unova region is the first region not to be  based on Japan but rather New York and Manhattan. Consequently we get a lot less natural designs and a lot more monsters based on inanimate objects and human themes, reflecting the lack of nature in New York when compared to the nature obsessed Japanese. It opens up the conceptual palette a lot more and means that even when monsters are similar to older designs they usually have a few key differences to distinguish them.

Finally the games themselves are brilliant, indeed they may be my favourite Pokemon games. There are so many refinements and improvements that just massively improve the game. Moving the Pokemart into the Pokecenter is such a small thing but such a time saving thing that speeds up the more tedious aspects of the game. Making TM’s re-usable is brilliant and opens up the combat along with move tutors for really powerful but rare moves. Then there are the new innovations which aren’t gimmicks but add real depth to the game and much needed extra dimension, month cycles, battle subways, black/white tower, online functionality, Pokemon World Tournament, etc.

Gen 5 was in fact my entire inspiration for these articles since it got so much hate from a certain section of fandom and I love it so much that I honestly felt I had to speak up for it.

Victini

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What? Not a grass type starter? but, but every generation starts with a grass type!

Well usually but here we get the first of our (many, waaaaay too many) legendaries in the mold of Mew, Celebi, Jirachi etc we have the spirit of victory Victini.

His big theme is the letter V, for the fifth generation and also for victory. As such we get his big V ears and his v for victory gesture. I love that gesture, it is far and away my favourite thing about Victini because it is so very, very Japanese and I doubt most people pick up on it at all. You see Japanese people almost always do the v for victory thing in photos. Seriously go google Japanese teenagers (you might want to safe search it), first picture on my google images is a classroom full of kids doing that gesture.

You want some more examples…

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And let’s have some of me and random Japanese people

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The ini part of his name comes from genie and hence his hammer pants (I find it odd that at least two pokemon have hammer pants. One may be an accident but two is a conspiracy). I have no idea about his bum wings though.

Snivy, Servine, Serperior

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*slow clap*

well done localisation guys, well done. Serperior may be my favourite pun since Geodude.

You see a lot more variation in the grass type starters than the water and fires usually and Serperior and his brood is no exception. Taking the vine of ivy and turning it into a snake’s body with an ivy leaf on the tail is just inspired. It’s not just a great concept well executed either, there are tons of extra touches that turn this from a good design into a stellar one. I love Serperior’s expression, it looks so smug and haughty and with his name that does so much to convey personality. I love the high collar and how that also serves to make him look regal.I love how they turned the Ivy into fleur de lis. I love that we go from a snake with arms and legs to it losing its legs, possibly the only example in pokemon evolution of something that actually happened in real life evolution.* I love everything about this guy.

Mostly though i just love the fact that he’s pokemon David Bowie as the Goblin King.

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*contrary to popular belief Serperior does still have hands, they are folded behind his back in an imperious pose.

Tepig, Pignite, Emboar

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BEHOLD! The three best pun names the localisation team has EVER done.

Pignite guys, Pignite. Whomever dreamed that up deserves a raise.

The concept with these guys is hysterical. They’re pigs on fire. If you don’t get that it might help to know that I named my Emboar BBQ.

As if that wasn’t brilliant enough they also have a parallel gimmick of being different kinds of wrestlers. Tepig’s head colouring is meant to look like the caps Japanese boys wear at the school sports day for their various manly physical games like slapping each other and climbing poles.

Japan just doesn’t care about health and safety by the way guys, schools totally have a “let’s let the boys slap each other” event at sport’s day and nobody bats an eye lid. In the U.K. that would be a national scandal.

Pignite (love that name) is obviously meant to look like a pro wrestler or an olympic wrestler in the American style. In fact he looks a lot like Andre the Giant to my mind.

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Emboar obviously is a sumo wrestler and pig sumo wrestler is such an obvious and brilliant idea I’m amazed it took us this long to get some version of it. It certainly has more character than the boring anthro monster Makuhita.

Of the three I find Pignite to be the best, mostly because of Emboar’s fires. I can’t tell what they’re meant to be, a beard maybe? I certainly can’t parse them as anything a Sumo wrestler wears. Everything on Pignite though either says pig or wrestler.

Oshawott, Dewott and Samurott

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Of the three starters Oshawott definitely fairs the worst. Oshawott himself is pretty terrible, it’s an otter, but blue (btw Nintendo the water starter doesn’t have to be blue, we get that it’s water from the animal you choose usually) in a baby-grow for some reason. It’s not even cute, mostly because of the frowny face and dead, soulless eyes….

like a doll’s eyes..

never blinking…

knowing everything you did.

*ahem* anyway, Oshawott, not cute.

Dewott though is brilliant. He looks more like an otter for starters and his proportions and pose make him look like a martial artist. Well specifically he’s meant to be a samurai with the razor shells resembling the armour plates samurai have and his big whiskers looking like the fake intimidating moustache on a samurai helmet.  He looks badass, ready to throw some razor sharp clams and straight up cut a fool.

And then Samurott ruins everything.

Firstly it’s really weird that he goes from being bipedal to being quadrupedal. There’s nothing that prohibits that in actual evolution (although I don’t believe it has ever happened) but it seems counter-intuitive in pokemon evolution to go from being more human to more animalistic.

And whilst there is some samurai stuff kept the move to four legs just really cripples the samurai concept.  There’s also a ton of stuff that straight up doesn’t work, like the helmet. That doesn’t look like a samurai helmet. The guys called Samurott, just give him a samurai helmet and have him stand up and this would have worked much, much better.

Patrat and Watchdog

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Considering Watchdog is supposed to be a cross between a meerkat and a crossing guard (no really, check out what Japanese crossing guards wear below and look at Watchdog’s markings.) I find it amusing that Patrat looks stoned as hell. Again it’s all in the eyes, he is tweaking and is looking for munchies. I’d say he cleaned up his act but even in his narc uniform he still looks like he’s tripping balls. He must be a dirty cop.

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Lillipup, Herdier and Stoutland

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boring dog, boring dog THE MOST MAJESTIC MOUSTACHE I HAVE EVER BEHELD!

Gen 5 is resplendent with awesome moustaches actually but just look at that thing! It’s the length of his entire body! That is the platonic ideal of all facial hair. It is the single most manly thing I have yet seen and it isn’t even on a man.

Soutland most pull all the hot bitches* with that thing.

*not sexist, he’s a dog.

Purrloin and Liepard

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I’m sorry localisation team but there is such a thing as trying too hard. It’s a decent punning effort but I’m afraid it doesn’t do it for me.

Don’t be sad though, you still came up with Pignite. All is forgiven in my eyes after that.

Pansage, Pansear and Panpour

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Simisage, Simisear and Simipour

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Generation 5 also has a lot more linked designs than previous games including these monkeys. It’s a very simple design but similar in concept to Eevee, take a basic body shape (in this case a monkey) and make amendments to it that fit the elemental theme. So the colour, tail shape and head shape change to match the element. Nicely done and nicely executed. Although I do query why Pansage has brocolli on his head and Pansear has a cartoon poop on his.

But for the evolutions we get the added conceptual twist of making them musicians. So Pansage evolves into a 1950’s greaser complete with faux leather jacket and massive quiff, Panpour turns into a 1960’s doo wop/girl group singer and Pansear turns into Liberace….but fat.

It would have been perfectly fine to just do more adult looking versions of panpour,sage and sear but adding the musician gimmick just makes them that bit more interesting. It’s little touches like that make me wonder why people call this generation unoriginal.

Munna and Musharna

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There’s a lot of baggage to this design to unpack. Firstly Black and White introduced the dream world, an alternate dimension which can be made real using dream smoke harvested from Musharna. It’s just an online gaming feature basically but like any new thing they introduce they feel like they need a mascot Pokemon and Musharna is it.

They’re also both callbacks to earlier games. Waaaaay back in Red and Blue there is a comment from an NPC about wishing for a Pokemon with a floral print on it. And only fifteen years later they decided to follow up on that idea. Musharna is also a callback from an older game, Diamond and Pearl which mention a researcher looking into the prospect of a Pokemon that can link with dreams. This is all a bit fan service but it’s kind of mind blowing that Nintendo recognises it has a continuation of fans from fifteen years ago still playing who will enjoy these nods and winks.

Finally both designs are kind of a do-over of Hypno from the original games. Hypno was based on a Japanese myth about a monster that eats people’s dreams and the monster is usually depicted as a tapir like creature. Hypno though was not one of the more successful RGBY designs, being basically a tapir stood up. Munna and Musharna are much more distinctive creatures with more appealing designs even if they basically are still tapirs.

Pidove, Tranquill and Unfezant

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Speaking of do-overs, apparently enough people thought that Pidgey from RGBY looked nothing like a pidgeon, missing the point that he was a wood pidgeon, that they decided to do another pidgeon. Although rather than evolving into a bigger pidgeon with a punk rock haircut he evolves into a pheasant with a masquerade mask. These three are fine, if a bit fussy. The localisation team are trying to force the puns too much again though.

Blitzle and Zebstrika

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Zebra but with the white parts turned into lightning bolts is such a simple and inspired premise that I’m amazed it took until Gen 5 for it to happen. That said the execution is not perfect. I don’t like the shape of Zebstrika’s tail, just leaving it as a bolt would have been better than the spark ending. There’s also still a lot of curved white lines where I would have made them all straight with bolt shaped kinks. I also think Blitzle’s single mohawk-esque bolt is much better than Zebstrika’s two horn bolts.

Roggenrola, Boldore, Gigalith

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The localisation team must have been absolutely gutted when presented with the design that became Roggenrolla. Having already used the pun in Geodude Japan goes ahead and gives them a walking geode. What the hell are they supposed to do with that?!

Like Pidove before it this trio is another do-over of an RGBY monster, namely Geodude, Graveller and Golem. It’s sufficiently different to work as it’s own monster though. I love the use of geode’s as eyes, I also like the gem spikes which are intimidating and dangerous looking. The only thing I don’t like is the weird spike on Roggenrolla’s head which make’s it look like the spike is his head and is just confusing.

Woobat and Swoobat

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For years I though Woobat was an incredibly lazy design. Basically just a ball of fur with bat wings and inexplicable heart shaped nose. Then I saw these guys.

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I’ll quote my long suffering girlfriend’s reaction when she saw that picture;

“OH MY GOD LOOK AT THEM! They look like mini pigs. Mini pigs with fur.” and then she just made some squeeing noises. It went  on for a while but she seemed happy enough.

If anything the Pokemon version is butcher and more macho than the real animal.

Swoobat though is a total mess. He’s supposed to be a foxbat, hence the head, but they’ve kept the heart nose which now looks out of proportion and doesn’t match the head shape. I don’t get the thinking at all behind the collar or the tail. They look like they’re going for cute but it’s just loads of random elements shoved together. It totally lacks cohesion.

Drilbur and Excadrill

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Do-over of Diglett but Drilbur actually looks like a mole. A mole with giant steel drill hands, again that is such a strong concept I’m amazed it wasn’t done earlier.

Excadrill  unfortunately, is not so assured. This is a shame because in game he is an absolute monster, easily one of the most powerful beasties in the game (in fact a lot of competitive websites ban his use entirely). The body is just a larger more dangerous looking version of Drilbur which is fine but what spoils is it is the weird second head. I know what they’re going for, the idea is the extra drill looks like a larger more dangerous head with the real head hidden underneath. But the sizes and positions mean it doesn’t quite work.

Audino

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This generation’s big pink big eared girly monster to go with Clefable, Blissey and Wigglytuff only with….long ears?  I did some reading and apparently the ears are supposed to resemble stethoscopes so this is another nurse themed monster. Again I’ll stick that one in the “this is probably someone’s fetish” pile with Chansey.

Timburr, Gurdurr, Conkeldurr

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Timburr has by far the best evolution gimmick I have ever seen. His 2 x 4 evolves with him into a girder and then concrete pillars. That makes,NO, SENSE, WHATSOEVER! I don’t know if I have to explain this guys but evolution doesn’t work that way. It makes perfect sense in the world of Pokemon evolution though and is so out there and crazy that I don’t know how you could not love it.

Unfortunately the monster holding the tool is not quite as inspired. Especially Gurdurr. Why is Gurdurr a clown? Because he is. He has a big red nose and curly hair. He might have disturbingly big and veiny arms but he is unmistakably a clown. A muscular clown wielding a steel girder….well it’s original at least.

Tympole, Palpitoad and Seismitoad

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OH MY GOD KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!

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Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

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Good god that thing is hideous. I know it’s supposed to be headphones but the incredibly human face on the tadpole just freaks me out. That’s David Lynchian in it’s terror. Children should not be exposed to that. It looks like something anti-abortion protestors would have on a placard. Creepy.

And the other two evolutions look like frogs with huge cancerous growths.

Throh and Sawk

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This right here, this is the very definition of lazy. These are the platonic ideal of boring anthro monsters. They’re wearing clothes for gods sake, wild animals should not be wearing judo gi. Where did they get them from anyway? Do they rob dojo’s? Are they born with them on? Do they mug martial artists? What does a naked Throh look like? Actually never mind, I don’t want to know that last one.

Sewaddle, Swadloon and Leavanny

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Hey Throh and Sawk, here’s another wild animal wearing clothes. MADE FROM LEAVES. You see the difference, how one is plausible animal behaviour and one is drawing human’s and then messing up the face.

High concept aside these three aren’t great but I love Swadloon’s hilarious frowny face. For a bug all snuggled up in a rug he sure looks pissed off.

Venipede, Whirlipede and Scolipede

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Don’t these all just look bored? I think it’s the heavy lidded eye. They look less like they’re interested in battle and more like they just want to get it other with so they can go back to watching TV. It’s fitting because these are boring designs. It’s also rare that I ask this but can we have more detail on Scolipede please. His front looks like some kind of layers error in photoshop where they copied over everything except his front carapace.

Cottonee and Whimsicott

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Whimscott is adorable. Look at that happy face, that little guy just wants cuddles. And you know they’d be brilliant cuddles because he’d be so fluffy!

These two are great example of how you do a plant Pokemon right, they took cotton plants and decided that they looked a bit like sheep and boom, Pokemon right there. Sheep but with cotton instead of wool.

Petilil and Lilligant

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And here’s how you do plant pokemon boringly, it’s a nondescript plant shape with a face. Dull.

Basculin

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Second stab at a piranha does manage to look like a piranha, which is a plus, but like most fish pokemon is basically just a cartoony fish and so is dull.

Sandile, Krokorok and Krookodile

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Not actually based on a crocodile, despite all its name being crocodile puns, but a caimen. (see below you can tell due to the distinctive nose)

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These three are part of a baffling subset of Pokemon designs that take an animal that lives in the water but makes it a ground type…because….clever? I mean it’s an okay idea once but it seems to crop up repeatedly and it wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire to start with.

Also Krookodile’s nose looks like a dick. There, I said it. Are you all happy now?

Darumaka and Darmanitan

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Yay an attempt to get all intellectual and show off my knowledge of Japanese culture.

I mentioned that in this generation we got a lot more Pokemon based on inanimate objects and Darumaka is one of the first examples of this. Although he and his evolution both look kind of like monkeys they are in fact based on this.

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That’s a Daruma, a kind of Japanese doll based on a representation of the monk and Bodhisattva ( a Buddha who teaches rather than ascending) named Bodhidharma, credited with bringing the Japanese tradition of Zen Buddhism to China (obviously Buddhism originally came to Japan from India by way of China but Zen is a specific kind of Buddhism).

There are lots of legends regarding Bodhidharma  but the one pertinent to his doll is the following, from wikipedia;

Failing to make a favorable impression in Southern China, Bodhidharma is said to have travelled to the northern Chinese kingdom of Wei to the Shaolin Monastery. After either being refused entry to the shaolin temple or being ejected after a short time, he lived in a nearby cave, where he “faced a wall for nine years, not speaking for the entire time”.

The biographical tradition is littered with apocryphal tales about Bodhidharma’s life and circumstances. In one version of the story, he is said to have fallen asleep seven years into his nine years of wall-gazing. Becoming angry with himself, he cut off his eyelids to prevent it from happening again.[25] According to the legend, as his eyelids hit the floor the first tea plants sprang up; and thereafter tea would provide a stimulant to help keep students of Chán awake during meditation.[26]

The most popular account relates that Bodhidharma was admitted into the Shaolin temple after nine years in the cave and taught there for some time. However, other versions report that he “passed away, seated upright”;[21] or that he disappeared, leaving behind the Yi Jin Jing;[27] or that his legs atrophied after nine years of sitting,[28] which is why Japanese Bodhidharma dolls have no legs.

You’ll notice from my picture that the doll only has one eye. This is a Japanese tradition, the dolls come with both eyes blank, one is supposed to paint one pupil whilst making a wish and then the other once the wish comes true. These wishes are more in the style of New Year’s resolutions than desires so you might for instance wish to lose weight and then the blank eye stares at you accusingly until you do.

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Darumaka and Darmanitan are based on the doll (which has a very consistent stylised form) than the man himself. Darumaka is basically a Daruma doll with arms and legs but it’s such an unusual design for a doll that I really don’t mind that at all, I think Darumaka looks great.

Darmanitan is even better though taking the basic shape and re-interpreting it as a rounded ape like monster. It keeps all the cool unique design aspects of a Daruma but makes it look more like a viable animal.

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Darmanitan also has an alternate form called Zen Mode which is basically just a Daruma doll but blue, and considering you can get blue Darumas that is a touch on the lazy side.

Maractus

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It’s a cactus with a face, and we already have two of those. Did we need this?

Dwebble and Crustle

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Kind of this generation’s Paras being an insect with a big thing on its back but with a more thought out concept here that I’m amazed hasn’t been used before. It’s a hermit crab which instead of stealing a shell has stolen a rock. Simple idea, well executed. The evolution though is inspired as the rock turns into a massive slice of earth complete with geological layers. I feel like the logical leaps in evolutions in this generation have been more thought through and rather than just making a bigger uglier version of the prevolution there’s almost a kind of a joke to many of the changes.

Scraggy and Scrafty

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Scraggy and Scrafty are kind of a cute idea and an example of how stuff like Throh and Sawk could be handled better. What they’ve done is taken a human behaviour (hooligans that wear their pants really low) and looked around for an animal behaviour they can graft that onto (lizards shedding their skin). That’s neat, and it’s exactly how they should approach fighting types.

Alas that’s all the praise I have for these two, especially Scraggy whose face looks like a complete afterthought. Sugimori-san can draw lizards so why has he given us the emoticon for derp?

Sigilyph

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Sigilyph is a dream catcher turned into a Pokemon. It’s also an incoherent visual monstrosity that hurts to look at, but so are dream catchers.

Yamask and Cofragrigus

yamask cofagrigus

Pokemon has occasionally dabbled in some dark themes. In previous generations we’ve had child stealing balloons, the animated dead husk of an insect’s shed skin that seeks to capture souls, the lord of nightmares, the god of the land of ghosts and whatever the hell is up with Lopunny. Ghost types in particular have always posed a tricky question, what exactly is a ghost type? Are they the ghosts of pokemon? Are they normal animals displaying behaviours we might associate with ghosts? Most of them appear to be haunting some kind of object so the shape and nature of the object distracts somewhat from this question.

Yamask, however, approaches the issue dead on. Yamask is unequivocally the soul of a dead human transformed into spectral form.

Observe the pokedex entry;

“Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry. These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves. Each retains memories of its former life.”

The implications of that are horrifying. These things used to be humans, people with hopes and dreams and other people who loved them. They’re now reduced to floating spectres that are captured and forced to do battle for the amusement of 10 year olds. They are enslaved by other people. Infinitely, because being ghosts already they will never die and know freedom. AND THEY REMEMBER BEING HUMAN! No wonder they cry. If they could talk they presumably would articulate the longing and pain they have, how they yearn to be free of their torment, but no, all they can say is their own name. Not even their human name but the name of the monster they have become, their slave name.

But you know what’s worse? All of those facts are known. They were worked out by researchers who put it in the Pokedex. That means that humans in the world of Pokemon are aware that when they die they can turn into a monster and aware that those monsters retain human feelings and yet go ahead and enslave them anyway.

Pokemon is pretty fucked up you guys.

Tirtuoga and Carracosta

tirtougacarracosta

Carracosta’s mask makes me think he looks a little bit like a blue ninja turtle. Interesting fact, the ninja turtles wren’t turtles. As a rule of thumb turtles have flippers, tortoises have a foot and terrapins are semi-aquatic and have a kind of webbed clawed flipper. When you see them before they mutate the TMNT are actually terrapins.

All of which is a long way of saying I don’t have much to say about Tirtuoga and Carracosta.

Archen and Archeops

archenarcheops

Like Cranidos before them Archen and Archeops get points just for being based on one of my favourite dinosaurs, Archeopteryx.

Archaeopteryx_NT

You might be looking at that artist’s impression and saying, “Adam, that’s a bird,” but that would be exactly why it is awesome. Archeopteryx is one of the earliest birds and one of the last dinosaurs and the strongest fossil evidence that dinosaurs did indeed evolve into birds.

Trubbish and Garbodor

trubbishgarbodor

Of all the inanimate objects given a face in this generation my favourite is far and away Trubbish. That little guy just looks so cute. His eyes gazing up at you seems to imploringly ask, “why, why does everyone hate me? I only want love.” Awww Trubbish, it’s because you smell of garbage little dude. Don’t worry though, I love ya.

Zorua and Zoroark

zorua zoroark

Zorua has one of the coolest in game abilities as at the beginning of fights it doesn’t look like itself but the last Pokemon on your team. It’s an illusion Pokemon casting spells to appear like something else.

There’s not much in the design to suggest that though, except really subtly. Zorua and Zoroark are based on foxes, known for being cunning and the expression on their faces really suggests an intelligence and sly quality. Beyond that though these are sleek, dangerous looking designs but they’re basically just cartoony foxes, one of which is stood up.

Minccino and Cinccino

minccinocinccino

A chinchilla with a fashionable goatee and a chinchilla dressed up like a 1950’s hollywood starlet in elaborate furs. I find the idea of a furred animal wearing furs to be…conceptually troubling at best. This is one for the girls that like to squee at cute things with very little thought put into it.

Gothita, Gothorita and Gothitelle

gothitagothorita gothitelle

Now this, this is brilliant. Gohita and it’s evolutions are basically a boring anthro monster. But they’re a boring anthro monster based on something so bizarre that I can’t help but love it.  They’re based upon Gothic Lolita fashions. You might have read the word Gothic there and started picturing pale, thin boys in black jeans and cure t-shirts wearing eye liner and obsessing over death but that’s not really it at all. Gothic Lolita is a Japanese subb-culture and it’s less morbid and more about a fetishised version of Victorian fashion, taking the visual signifiers of that time period, lace, bows, petticoats and exaggerating them until you get something like, well, these;

images

images (1)

Black_White_Cotton_Long_Sleeves_Ruffled_Gothic

as you can see, we’re dealing with Tim Burton’s perfect women.

Gothita is not a great version of a Gothic Lolita Pokemon but that they tried at all is just magnificent.

Solosis, Duosion and Reuniclus

solosisduosionreuniclus

This is a cell, undergoing mitosis.

Again, the concept here is so brilliant that the design doesn’t really matter to me but the design is spot on too. Simple and iconic and selling the high concept beautifully.

But this seems to be a design a lot of people hate, they don’t get why there is a gooey baby rabbit and have missed the point entirely. So let me explain, the green ball is the cell, the light green thing inside it is the nucelus, the “brain” of the cell as it were, those eyes, cytoplasm, that squiggly thing, the name escapes but that’s a cell component too.

And then the cell splits becoming two, starting with the nucleus splitting. Only in this case it doesn’t finish splitting so it now has two brains, hence greater psychic powers, and eventually it has three brains, not rabbit ears. And it looks like a baby because cells split during the development of embryos. Everything here has a purpose in serving the high concept and the high concept, abortion monster, is so fantastic that the design just flat out works. The only people who hate this monster are those that do not get the concept.

Ducklett and Swanna

ducklett swanna

What I like with Swanna is that it’s dressed up in a swan lake ballet costume. So it’s a swan dressed as a swan. deep.

What i do not like about swanna is the feather bra, please stop suggesting Pokemon have breasts Nintendo it’s starting to get creepy.

Vanilite, Vanillish and Vanilluxe

vanillite vanillish vanilluxe

God dammit I just told you to stop putting bras on Pokemon!

If you don’t like 5th Gen Vanilluxe seems to be the prime example people use. And it is pretty indefensible, I’ve moaned before about designs that I didn’t think worked as real animals and you can’t make any sensible argument for the floating ice-cream cone.

But.

In a generation with a Gothic Lolita monster, an abortion monster, a walking candle and gears with faces ice cream cone with a face doesn’t really stand out. And they’re rapidly running out of ideas for ice types, beyond just taking an existing animal and making it white with some ice bits. It’s stupid, yes, but so adorably stupid that I can’t help but love it.

Deerling and Sawsbuck

deerling sawsbuck

As ever with a new feature comes a mascot Pokemon for it and this game introduces a season cycle. The idea being that with every change in season Deerling and Sawsbuck change to match it.

This is a great idea and whilst the execution on Deerling is meh the execution on Sawsbuck is fantastic. Turning his antlers into tree branches is a solid idea for  a plant type to start with and having those branches change like a tree changes in each season is just inspired. The actual animal underneath those branches is simple and uncluttered (so your eye is really drawn to the selling point, the antlers) but does subtly change season by season too. Sawsbuck is a terrific Pokemon, a real stand out of the generation.

Emolga

emolga

Why is this not an evolution for Pachirisu? It looks just like it except it flies. Dull.

Karrablast and Escavalier

karrablast escavalier

also

Shelmet and Accelgor

shelmetaccelgor

Although not next to each other in the Pokedex I’m dealing with these four together because of their relationship with one another. You see Shelmet and Karrablast only evolve when traded with each other. Shelmet busts out of its shell and turns into Accelgor whilst Karrablast starts wearing the shell to become Escavalier. That’s a kind of clever idea but these designs aren’t great.

Shelmet just looks stupid, entirely because of the lips. Those lips are dumb and I don’t think I need to explain why. And I have no idea what Karrablast even is. Some googling suggests it’s supposed to be a carabid beetle, which it in no way resembles.

Escavalier is okay, I like his lance arms but that’s it.

images (2)

Accelgor however I do like since it is a homage to masked rider and as previously mentioned i am all for Pokemon based on elements of Japanese culture.

Foongus and Amoongus

foongusamoonguss

This generation’s do-over of Voltorb whose gimmick was that he looked like a Pokeball. Remember kids, if anyone accuses Gen 5 of being unoriginal you point out that Gen 1 contained a ball with a face and his evolution, a bigger ball with a face.

Foongus is not as good as Voltorb though since he only looks a Pokeball from above.

Fillish and Jellicent

frillishjellicent

The concept of these two is spooky as hell. They rule an underwater castle, made of the ruins of sunken ships, together as king and queen and surrounded by courtiers. That is brilliantly creepy  without straying into the horror of child abduction or infinite slavery.

I don’t have much to say about female Jellicent because i’m too in awe of male Jellicent;s tremendous facial hair. He rivals Stoutland for most magnificent Pokemon moustache.

Alomomola

alomomola

Sunfish are such odd looking creatures that they make perfect Pokemon without really needing many changes but Nintendo decided to make this a more conceptually complicated creature by turning its fins into hands.

They do this a lot actually, Lugia, Kyogre, they’re quite big on turning things that aren’t hands into them. And then you get guys like Wobuffet staring at his useless stumps and praying for digits. It’s like Arceus only had  a limited number of hands and it was first come first serve.

Oh and the name is pallindromic (reads the same forwards as backwards) for an animal with greater than regular symmetry, I’d be more impressed if the name meant anything.

Joltik and Galvantula

joltikgalvantula

How cute is Joltik? The answer is all the cute, he is all the cute there ever was. The smallest Pokemon ever is logically based on a tick. I would have found it impressive that they made a tick cute but to make a tick look that cute is some kind of miracle.

And then it turns into out and out nightmare fuel. That’s cruel Nintendo. Funny though.

Ferroseed and Ferrothorn

ferroseedferrothorn

Boy there sure are a lot of inanimate objects with faces in this generation.

Klink, Klang and Klinklang

klink klangklinklang

Yep, lot’s of inanimate objects with faces.

At least they didn’t feel the need to stick a horn on them.

Tynamo, Elektrik and Elektross

tynamo eelektrikeelektross

Elektrik is based on a lamprey and since I am a cruel and sadistic man who enjoys tormenting others here is a photo of a lamprey’s face.

Boca_de_lamprea.1_-_Aquarium_Finisterrae

Oh you’ve seen it now, and you can never unsee it. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Elektross is based on a lamprey, but with arms, ARMS THAT ARE ALSO MOUTHS! That’s Lovecraftian in its horror.

Elgyem and Beheeyem

elgyembeheeyem

Little Green Man (LGM) and Bug Eyed Monster (BEM) here are boring anthro monsters with frankly bizarre heads. I get that Elgeeyem is supposed to look like a stylised “grey” alien but I don’t get the thinking behind Beheeyem at all.

Litwick, Lampent, Chandelure

litwicklampentchandelure

There are lots of ghost Pokemon that resemble objects and plenty of Pokemon this time around that are just inanimate objects with a face but what I appreciate about these three are the touches that elevate it above that concept. Like the pattern on Chandelur’s face that resembles a stitched mouth or the shape of Litwick’s wax resembling famous Japanese horror character Kitaro.

kitaro manga

Plus I just find candles to be quite spooky and ghostly things.

Axew, Fraxure and Haxorus

axewfraxurehaxorus

Axew and Fraxure look stupid, mostly because they’re generic dinosaurs whose defining feature, the blades, just look tacked on rather than integrated.

The axe is much more integrated on Haxorus and giant dinosaur with an axe for a face is the kind of ten year old fantasy Pokemon should be indulging more often.

I have to question the colouring choice of making the axe red though. That makes it look like it’s slathered in the blood of Haxorus’s enemies. These are kid’s games right?

Cubchoo and Beartic

cubchoobeartic

When I first saw Ursaring way back in Gen 2 my initial reaction was that they’d missed a trick by not making the bear an ice type, since there are so few ice animals and polar bears are one of the more prominent examples. Well evidently they thought the same as years later we finally get our polar bear. But rather than being just a white bear they have to give it some extra gimmick so now we have a snotty bear cub whose snot freezes into icicles. Eh, it’s okay. I feel they’ve missed a trick with Beartic since his proportions look odd. His head and shoulders are really small and his legs and lower body really big. It’s the wrong way round really, if they want to sell big, powerful bear monster it really needs big wide shoulders, as it is it looks really gangly.

Cryogonal

cryogonal

Cryogonal is why I don’t get all the hate for Vanillite because he has all the same problems but is infinitely more boring. It’s an inanimate object that cannot possibly move, breed, eat or be anything approaching a real animal, with a face. But, whereas Vanillite had stacks of persoanlity Cryogonal has barely any, you can barely tell a face is there. And it is simply covered in distracting and busy lines. It’s not even a good drawing of a snowflake since it lacks fractal details and is pretty blocky really. I hate everything about this Pokemon.

Stunfisk

stunfisk

This generation’s Slowpoke aka the dumb looking guy. He does look dumb, but that’s on purpose so you can’t criticise it. What I can criticise is the upside down exclamation mark on his back. What’s that all about, is he Spanish?

Mienfoo and Mienshao

mienfoomienshao

THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD DO FIGHTING TYPES NINTENDO.

Here’s the high concept here, Chinese martial artist, so they have the long baggy sleeves associated with traditional Chinese dress and Mienshao has the long moustache associated with Chinese folk characters like Pei Mei (who you may remember from Kill Bill part 2) but rather than sticking it on a boring anthro monster they stuck it on a weasel and it suddenly works, so, much, better! Being based on a real animal just gives it so much more of a coherent visual identity and for my money makes the non animal aspects (sleeves and moustaches, and that’s number three in the awesome moustache team by the way) pop out more.

These are great designs, especially Mienshao who looks sleek and deadly and fast, has stacks of personality in his expression and has a beautifully and subtly suggested high concept.

And also a great moustache.

Druddigon

druddigon

So, that’s where all the horns and spikes they usually stick on animals went in this generation then? All on poor Druddigon.

Poor guy, he looks like a 90’s comic character, give him some skulls and and some pouches and he’d be right at home in Bloodstrike.

Golett and Golurk

golettgolurk

Yeah, you guys already used the name “Golem” on a creature that wasn’t a golem and have used the golem concept before but with more a creation myth thing going on, now you’re just doing a straight up golem. That’s a touch lazy guys.

Actually, to be fair the concept here still isn’t a straight up golem so much as an ancient robot. And whilst a golem was an ancient robot this is much more robotic, having gears and command symbols and glowing with energy. Ancient civilisations creating a robot is neat idea but its not very pokemon-esque at all. In fact there are a lot of things here that you don’t see very often in pokemon, like the patterns on the shoulder pads and fists, and the eyes which have kind of an Incan thing going on with them. But then the shape and the skirt is more Greek. They certainly do a good job of invoking ancient civilisations but I think the high concept might be too far out there for Pokemon. What about this is an animal?

Pawniard and Bisharp

pawniardbisharp

Of all the things I thought they’d make Pokemon out of, a pawn and a bishop from chess would have ranked really low down on my guesses.

These two are out and out messes. Pawniard is shaped basically like a pawn but seems to have been inflicted with a variant of 90’s “spikes everywhere” disease known as “blades everywhere.”

I mean the head one is okay, the hand ones are fine, but the chest ones? They look dumb and add nothing.

Bisharp is even worse, he looks nothing like a a bishop, has even more extraneous blades and also has a fourth colour added which just makes it even more busy.

Bouffalant

bouffalant

This is a buffalo with an afro, a buffalafro if you will. There is nothing about that, that isn’t amazing.

Rufflet and Braviary

ruffletbraviary

Native Americans have feathers in their headdresses, let’s do a bird that looks like a  Native American brave. That’s a fine concept  okay execution except, again, Braviary has weird proportions. His neck is too long and his legs too long to be a convincing eagle, he looks more like a stork/eagle hybrid and I have no idea why.

Vullaby and Mandibuzz

vullabymandibuzz

That baby is wearing a human skull as a diaper.

Soooo how does that work then? Because when you hatch a Vullaby it already has the skull. Is it like a death’s head moth thing and it only looks like a skull but is just part of Vullaby? Or is the first thing a Vullaby does in this life dismember a human to hide its shame?

Either way it seems very cute for something wearing! a! fucking! skull!

Mandibuzz has a btucher’s apron and a bone thorugh its top knot which I’d say would be racist, but its a vulture, not a person. So I guess it gets away with it.

Heatmor and Durant

heatmordurant

I’m less surprised that t took us 5 generations to do an ant than some of the other animals that took this long (seriously still no tiger, cheetah, panda or gorilla still) because, well, ants are tiny and kind of hard to make monsters from. The solution they came up with was not that inspired, just make a regular ant bigger and colour it so it looks like steel.

Heatmor fares a bit better since steel ant implies a difficult challenge for an anteater and making his tongue flame was an elegant solution. The rest of his design is a mish-mash of pointless elements though, what’s up with his wrist bands? And I don’t even want to know what’s going with his crotch.

Deino, Zweilous and Hydreigon

deinozweiloushydreigon

Two words, bad and ass.

Let’s get the dull stuff out of the way first, we have a monster who goes from one head, to two, to three and the name is a riff on the german counting system, ein, zwei, drei. That in itself is awesome. The monster that concept was attached to is a generic dragon but that’s fine since the aim is to focus on the heads. The execution of the heads is great, especially as the closed pattern opens up like bus on a flower coming into bloom. I also like how much Deino looks like a Beatle.

Really though this trio is all about Zweilous, a three headed dragon with scary torn wings and terrifying eyes swooping down from the sky to rain destruction upon you. He’s even a rare example of something with what seems to be an extraneous line but that I can point to and explain, the purple liens break up what would otherwise be a boring expanse of blue.

Okay, he’s a shameless rip off of King Ghidora.

king-ghidorah

But you know what, King Ghidora is my favourite Kaiju. So if you’re going to rip something off, rip off the best.

Larvesta and Volcarona

larvestavolcarona

It’s a caterpillar and a moth done in a cartoony style. What is there to say. My only comment is I like that the fire typing is subtly incorporated in the sun pattern on the wings and….head spike, things rather than just making it bright red. Volcarona is a fantastic Pokemon in game but a lackluster design.

Cobalion, Terrakion and Virizion

cobalionterrakionvirizion

The next (after Victini) of a whopping 13 different legendaries introduced in this generation (still less than Diamond, Pearl and Platinum at 14 though) featuring two completely separate trinities of characters what we have here is the three musketeers re-imagined as deer/antelopes. The three muske-deers if you will. That’s a neat idea, the three musketeers are a classic trio of characters with distinct personalities, the fat boozer, the classy womanizer and the more serious and heroic one reflected respectively in Terrakion, Virizion and Cobalion. I also like the idea of linking the sword fighting the musketeers were famous for with the horns of a deer/antelope.

What I like the most about this trinity though is that these look like three different animals but they also look like a trinity with enough shared elements to link them together. Pokemon has done this before of course, the legendary birds and legendary dogs were examples of this but they’ve also messed it up before (Uxie, Mesprit and Azelf). Even the shared elements though suggest personality rather than being copied across. All three have a shoe design but Cobalion has spats, reflecting his classy nature, Terrakion has sandals suggesting Japanese martial artists and Virizion has feminine boots. Similarly all three have horns, but Cobalion’s are high and proud, Terakions massive and curved forward and bulky and Virizion’s curved and feminine.

These are strong individual designs but really shine as a trio.

Keldeo

keldeo-resolute keldeo-ordinary

And to go with the three musketeers we have Dartagnian, the younger more impetuous wannabe member.

On its own this is not a terribly brilliant design. We have a unicorn with the tail replaced with a wave design, something similar to Rapidash but much less well executed, particularly because of the bright red mane which detracts from the water theme.

But teamed with the three muskedeers the design sings a lot more, how do you do a younger, weaker version of the muskedeers? You give it only one horn. boom, instant symbolism, the rest of the design really takes care of itself after that.

For some reason we get two versions of Keldeo, a normal form on the right and a Resolute form on the left. I vastly prefer the resolute form .For starters the horn is much clearer and more prominent and as that is the main symbolic element it really should be. On the normal form the weird blue bits don’t really look like anything, they just detract from the middle horn and make it look like Keldeo has some kind of armoured forehead. Also the pose and facial expression on the resolute form just says Dartagnian to me more.

Tornadus, Thundrus and Landorus

tornadus-incarnate   landorus-incarnatethundurus-incarnate

And here we get our next trio, and one of the laziest things Pokemon has ever done. This is exactly the opposite way to do a trio and the far worst one. The three muskedeers were three different animals with shared design elements. This is the same monster with a pallette swap and some design elements shifted. It looks like a copy-paste and it is terrible.

I’m not a huge fan of the monster design once to be honest, let alone three times. It’s a riff on Fujin and Raijin the Japanese gods of wind and thunder who are usually represented thus.

fujin_raijin1

As you can see they’ve taken that basic design and shifted some elements around. Rather than standing on the cloud the cloud becomes a bottom half and the row of drums or bag of wind turns into a kind of tail/tentacle feature. It’s not bad in concept but in execution it has a serious problem. It just looks too much like a guy. I think this might be what I dislike about Anthro monsters. You capture these guys and put them in a ball. I find it much easier to do that to a cat or dog based monster than something that looks like a guy, complete with arms folded and another fantastic moustache. That feels too close to slavery.

Fortunately Nintendo solved that problem by revealing these are illusionary forms of these monsters and actually they really look like this.

tornadus-therianlandorus-therianthundurus-therian

So this is much better. For starters they look like animals and like the Muskedeers they look like different animals with shared design elements. It’s just now the design elements are problematic. The shared design elements seem to be clouds, those tail/tentacles and bitching moustaches. But now it’s not clear that they’re supposed to refer to Fujin and Raijin. If you looked at Tornadus you would see bird, you would see cloud but you would never think Japanese wind god. It’s as if the uninspired designs had to exist for these better ones to make sense, and if that’s the case you just need to start over again as clearly this is an ill conceived concept Nintendo.

They have other problems too, most notably Thundurus’s bra, belly button piercing and low hipped pants. He’s dressed like a stripper, and it’s bad enough that they’re doing sexy Pokemon again but he still has the moustache! That, that’s just confusing.

Reshiram and Zekrom

reshiramzekrom

It really says a lot that about how the quality of the colouring has improved that we can have a monster that’s only white coloured and another that’s only black coloured and yet they still make sense, can have highlights and levels of shading on them. And I suppose with the game being called “Black and White” they have to at least try and do a mono-colour design, kudos for pulling it off.

Beyond that I don’t have much complimentary to say here. These are two fairly generic video game dragons. They don’t look like Pokemon, they have too many extraneous lines and no obvious high concept hook to be a Pokemon, they look more like a Digimon or hell a Yu-Gi-Oh design. The one distinctive feature of them, the generator/jet engine tail is poorly conceived and poorly integrated. You have a sleek silhouette on Zekrom that looks like some sort of dangerous super fast dragon and than give him a massive fat arse, it spoils it.

Of the two I prefer Zekrom though since I like his wings better  I prefer his reptilian face to Reshiram’s fox face and he lacks Reshiram’s disturbing feather cock.

Kyurem

   

kyurem-normal

Well this is an absolute mess.

I honestly don’t know where to start with how bad this is. He has all the same problems as Zekrom and Reshiram, (fat arse, cluttered lines) without the saving grace of being monocolour and with a few new problems to boot. Like his gimpy arms. Or how the pose makes it look like his right wing is smaller. I didn’t think perspective mistakes would be a thing I’d criticise a professional artist for but, just look at it. It’s even worse in game I assure you. And what on earth are the weird glass tips on the end of his wings meant to be?

You know what’s even worse, Kyurem is meant to reference 9/11. Yes, the terror attacks on New York, that 9/11. You see this generation is based on New York and Kyurem is said to have fallen from the sky. He lives in a scarred and destroyed area of Unova destroyed by his impact, that’s supposed to be ground zero and he’s supposed to look like a plane. I can kind of see the plane design, especially if you focus on the lighter grey elements, but just, Jesus. Way to keep it classy Japan. 9/11 is really something I want to think about in my children’s video game.

Ah ha, but, like Torandus, Thundurus and Landorus Kyurem got a second set of forms in Black and White 2.  So maybe like that trio he has a terrible design here as part of some link to a better design coming.

Let’s see.

kyurem-blackkyurem-white

Sigh.

So the idea here is that Kyurem, Reshiram and Zekrom used to be the same monster. Years ago the three split with Zekrom and Reshiram becoming two halves of the same coin and Kyurem a kind of withered husk they left behind. But in the second game an item called the DNA splicer is found allowing Zekrom or Reshiram to recombine with Kyurem.

I think the nicest thing I can say is that they should do look like a fused together monster. There are better ways to do that involving visual cohesion and thought but, sure, you could just slap different bits of each monster together and call it a day, that works too.

Meloetta

meloetta-pirouettemeloetta-aria

Oh thank god a good one.

Meloetta is a boring anthro monster (trademarked) but one with a gimmick and clever integration of the gimmick is really all an anthro design needs to elevate it to decent. In Meloetta’s case she’s music based and much of her design is based around musical notation, especially her arms and her hair (which is simply sheet music coloured in). The two separate forms sell two different ways of enjoying music, aria is a singer complete with dramatic gestures and a radio mike and pirouette form is a ballet dancer complete with tutu skirt. Everything else is pretty much a straight line suggesting legs and a head. It’s not the best design but it’s absolutely fine.

Genesect

genesect

This is a Kabutops.

And above is what happens when a team of criminals turns one into a cybernetic uber-predator.

Genesect is one of only two Pokemon designs that just straight up have a gun strapped to them, the other being Blastoise. And while Blastoise having cannons makes little sense in Gensect’s case it is because bad guys strapped a cannon on it. This raises the question of if you’re allowed to strap guns to Pokemon in organised Pokemon leagues. I’d assume not or you’d see a lot of suicide bombing Rattata, unless nobody thought to do it before now.

This is a gimmick Pokemon, the gimmick being, it has a gun on its back and really the design all works to sell that, the hunched pose, the minimal details on the legs and arms. The only other element we really need to care about is the face which looks dangerous and evil, especially with the double pupils in the eyes. This is not the best design but it achieves out what it wants to do comfortably.

Oh and it can turn into a spaceship too.

m02

I want my transforming Genesect toy and I want it now, so I imagine that’s mission accomplished for the design team on that one.

Overall Gen 5 is easily my favourite generation. Although people moan about the ice cream monster and the garbage monster really there’s worse or similarly bad designs in other generations. Most of the bad Pokemon here are either copies of each other (the Tornadus trio) or stuck with unnecessary details (Pawniard) not rip offs of older designs. Most of the variations on older designs, (Munna, Pidove, Drillbur) are vast improvements on the originals or at least distinct enough to be their own monster not just a rip off. Then we get original ideas that are fantastic, like fiery wrestling pigs, evil chandeliers, the three muskedeers and Dartagnian. It’s  a great balance between originality and classic ideas and I love this generation.

Without a doubt Generation 4 is the worst set of Pokemon designs. That’s not even an opinion, I can prove it using maths. Observe. This generation contains 89 actual Pokemon although thanks to the marvel of additional forms the number of designs is slightly higher. Of those 89 pokemon 14 are legendaries, the most of any game so far and a big leap from 10 in the last game and a mere 5 in the first game. Now I quite like legendaries and in 4th gen’s defence they do have some cool legendaries and the large amount of them is integral to the plot of the game. However, legendaries are supposed to be rare and exotic beasts, something extraordinary and special, making them more than an 8th of the game is definite overkill. The biggest crime by far though is that of the mere 89 pokemon a whopping 25 of those are either evolutions or prevolutions from an existing pokemon. Now I have stated before how much I hate that. It’s actually not a horrible idea to produce a new evolution for an existing pokemon but the problem is often the original pokemon isn’t available in the new game, so you have to trade from an older copy of the game and if you don’t have an older copy, well tough luck you can’t get these pokemon. And this time around they make up more than a quarter of the available designs. Now the idea here is that Diamond and Pearl were released after Fire Red and Leaf Green which were remakes of the earliest games, green and red, which did contain the original designs. That means a lot of these are available if you trade monsters from green and red. But not all of them are available in fire red and leaf green. And anyway why should you have to own and crucially pay for a different game to get enjoyment out of this one?! Pokemon has always had an element of that even at the start with some monsters in red not being available in blue and vice versa but that was always a small amount of monsters and you could always trade monsters in the same generation with a friend rather than having to own an older game. Diamond and Pearl just seems so much worse since the proportion of unavailable monsters is much higher. And they also have a diamond/pearl split in addition to requiring you to port monsters from an older game. Its blatantly mercenary and money grubbing and it leaves a horrendous taste in my mouth. Worse of the “original” Pokemon that are here many are clearly versions of older monsters. Torterra is Bulbasaur, Chimchar is Charmander, Starly is Pidgey, etc. Its in every way the wrong way to take the lessons learned in the third generation. That generation was characterised by overly complicated but quirky designs inspired by more abstract concepts like the weather, Japanese folklore, ancient dolls and lesser known animals. Here we’ve kept the overly complicated but Pokemon is beginning to eat itself, ripping off its own older designs and going back to the same idea well again and again. The game itself is great. The plot in particular is a stand out with a villain who doesn’t just want to run a criminal gang but wants to exploit powerful legendary Pokemon to literally remake the universe in his own image. As such many of the designs, especially in the legendaries are about aspects of reality, time, space and the human psyche. There is a big move towards more complex themes and ideas and its a better RPG because of it. Unfortunately the game doesn’t introduce anything new in terms of mechanics. Ruby and Sapphire added weather mechanics and double battles. Diamond and Pearl added nothing. Unless you count poffins or the underworld aka pointless mini games that nobody enjoys. Anyway enough bitching, lets look at some specific designs.

Turtwig, Grotle, Torterra

Sigh!

Basically it’s Bulbasaur again. And I like Bulbasaur guys, he might be my all time favourite. But another four legged reptile with a plant growing out of it’s back, really? At least this time it’s a tree and not a flower.

Actually I like Torterra quite a bit just because of the addition of the mountain, turning his back into a kind of bonsai landscape. It’s objectively a much better design than Venusaur whose flower was terrible and who had an ugly, ugly face. You can make similar argument for Turtwig and Grotle too actually, the execution for all three is fine it’s just that it’s an idea they already did. Like I said in my intro, this is a problem for the whole generation.

Chimchar, Monferno, Infernape

Chimchar’s kind of cute but, an animal with a tail on fire? That’s Charmander guys. Again the execution is probably objectively better than Charmander, it’s a cuter drawing, I like the way fire is subtly indicated in the hair style as well as overtly on the tail and I like the pose which conveys a lot of personality. The personality in question being, jokey, which works for a monkey.

What saves this trio really is Infernape which is nothing like Charizard at all. The flaming hair is a nice touch, visually striking and even threatening and I love the elements shared with Chinese/Japanese art invoking a samurai-esque feel.

Piplup, Priplup, Empoleon

Easily the standout of the three starters. The water type starters have never really had much in common design wise and Piplup again doesn’t really match previous entries, it’s an original idea. That said it’s basically a cartoony penguin, not exactly an earth shatteringly original design but how can you hold anything against it when Piplup is just so cute. Look at that guy, he’s straight up adorable. I mean he’s a baby penguin, and if you can’t find it in your heart to love, nay, wub, a baby penguin then you sir have no soul.

I like Empoleon a lot too, I like the pattern of dots on all three turning into a full blown cravat on Empoleon, a subtle nod to how penguins are usually described as looking like they wear tuxedos. He also look’s like he’s wearing some kind of regency era coat. I like his crown too and how they link it in to beak and headress. Teamed with the high collar Empoleon has a lot of dignity and looks pretty imposing. I’m not a fan of the weird protrusions on his wings though which are a busy and distracting element.

Staryu, Staravia, Staraptor

Or this generations Pidgey, Pidgeotto and Pidgeot. Only starlings rather than wood pigeons. Meh. They’re unimaginative but fine. Whereas the Pidgey’s were just straight up cartoon birds these do have a shared design element of the star marking them out as fantasy creatures but they’re over cluttered designs with no real cool hook

Bidoof, Bibarel

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Bidoof, oh Bidoof. How could anyone not love you?

Although Bidoof seems to get a bit of a kicking online for looking stupid I honestly don’t know how you could not love the guy. I mean, yes, he does look dumb but that’s all part of the charm, he’s a loveable bucked tooth doofus you guys. It’s right there in the name.

And really the ridicule should be saved for Bibarel. Have you seen the expression on that guys face. You can practically hear him saying “duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh”. He’s a fat beaver with downs, why would you not want this on your team?

Kricketot, Kricketune

The first set of designs that I like without reservations. Both of these are working to a classic Pokemon formula, take an existing animal (in this case a cricket or some kind of beetle) add a theme (in this case music) and incorporate elements of the theme organically into the design. What I love about these two is just how many different musical elements have been added and how they can easily be read as musical or insect-like. Are the horns on Kricketot’s head tuning forks? Is that a moustache or musical notation? Claws or a violin bow?

Shinx, Luxio, Luxray

I can’t believe it took us four generations to get a lion Pokemon. Lions have got to be one of the most prominent animals in world culture. They are visually distinctive, have plenty of myths surrounding them and would basically make perfect Pokemon. It also took us till 4th gen to do hippos, penguins,  squirrels and scorpions all of which you’d think would come first before we doubled up on snakes and generic small birds. And even in 5th we’ve still not had tigers, gorillas, orangutans, flamingos, eagles or dozens of other famous animals. But hey, we’ve had an ice cream cone.

I think Shinx, Luxray and Luxio are okay but mostly I think they’re cluttered. They have a lot of design elements that don’t really scream lion or electricity to me which are repeated. Like the star patterning on the tail and Shinx’s ears. I guess it’s supposed to be electric in some way but it’s less like a flash and more like a burning fuse on the tail. Also the bands on the legs which increase from one, to two and then three. That’s a needless element, it doesn’t signify anything. Also the shape of the base of the tail and the mane eventually resembles a star too, again stars are more of a fire or psychic thing than they are electricity. And why are they blue? I do like Luxray though, he’s a nice sleek badass in overall silhouette even if he is a touch cluttered.

Budew and Roserade

Budew is a terrible, terrible pokemon. It’s a doodled smiley face with two stubby legs and some weird bud thing that looks like no plant I have ever seen.

TuxedoMaskSmall

Roserade however is awesome. It’s tuxedo mask the Pokemon  of course but considering I have praised designs that look like Ultraman or Power Rangers before I really have no problem with that.

The colour change and the incorporation of the roses directly into the monsters arms differentiate it enough from Tuxedo Mask that the design stands on its own. Plus romantic swashbuckling plant monster is just conceptually cool.

Cranidos and Rampardos

Other than being based upon a cool dinosaur to begin with (Pachycephalosaurus Wyomingensis, check it out below) I don’t have much to say about these two. They’re overly busy with lots of extraneous lines and patterns but the pose sells the core element. That big, hard, spiked head that is charging towards you.

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Sheildon and Bastiodon

Shieldon is a ceraptosian, aka one of the family of dinosaurs that Triceratops belongs to. However unlike Triceratops he doesn’t have a formidable beak or dangerous looking spikes. Instead his head looks a little bit like an old fashioned bed pan.

Bastiodon in contrast looks like a cross between a dinosaur, a bulldozer and Satan. It’s like construction equipment came to life and started rampaging around town. That thing looks straight up terrifying. The huge head, the short stubby legs, the spikes, the absolutely huge tusks. Its all danger and power and belligerence. I also love the colouring since it evokes a bulldozer so clearly.

Burmy, Wormadam and Mothim

I honestly have absolutely no idea.  That being the case I like to be informative and occasionally educational with these things so I went looking.

180px-Burmy_no_cloak

I found this picture of a Burmy which helps make a lot more sense out of its design at least. It is a caterpillar wrapped in some kind of grass cloak and what I originally took to be it’s nose is actually it’s beak. It’s a real problem however that I couldn’t initially tell what was going on here. I couldn’t tell that was a beak, that those things at the bottom weren’t legs, etc. That just speaks of clumsy design. Wormadam is also a terrible mess. Are those leaves supposed to be wings? Ears? Mothim is less confusing but is the least appealing of any of the moth/butterfly designs thus far due to the tiny body and large, rather uninteresting wings.

Combee and Vespiqueen

Firstly Combee is a terrific pun, well done localisation team.

Combee and Vespiqueen are absolutely fantastic high concept designs. What does everyone know about bees? Well they have a kind of hive mentality rather than individual intelligence. Making that literal by having them being conjoined bodies is a great idea and using the honeycomb pattern for the combined bodies is just inspired.

Vespiqueen I like less but she’s still a good design and an example of anthro monsters done right. She doesn’t look like a bee, she looks like a human queen in a ballgown, but the shape of the arms, the colouring and the honeycomb pattern all say bee and tie the two designs together. Simply inspired.

Pachirisu

I can’t believe it took this long to do a squirrel. Unfortunately it’s not particularly well executed. Like Shinx it’s overtly cluttered and busy with pointless spikes and for some reason it’s blue again. Beyond that it’s just a cartoony squirrel, no suggestion of electricity and no high concept.

Floatzel and Buizel

Another high concept done right. What’s an otter? Well basically a weasel in water right. So they went with a weazel wearing arm bands and a life vest. that’s a great way to communicate the water typing without resorting to having it be part made of water or colouring it blue. I also like the split tail. As well as reminding me of Tails from Sonic it’s yet another nod to Japanese mythology (multi-tailed foxes) but this time employed rather cleverly as a propeller. It’s another well thought out element that makes it look more alien and distinct. These two designs are also pretty streamlined and free of extraneous details for the most part.

Cherubi and Cherrim

cherubi cherrim

I want to know why Cherubi starts with two head but ends with one. Did it eat the other head? Is it like a conjoined twins in the womb thing? I mean the evolved Cherrim looks so cute, but behind those smiling eyes must be the soul of a cannibalistic monster.

Shellos and Gastrodon

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I have to admire at least the attempt to make sea slugs cute and interesting but giving them weird head ornaments isn’t the way to go.

Ambipom

ambipom

Possibly the besr example of lazy repetition I could ask for. Apiom was a monkey with a hand for a tail, and it had no evolution. So when it came time to look for new ideas, they decided to give it an evolution with two tails. No other real thought, just a second tail. Was there some kind of deadline guys? Were you so starved for ideas that, the same but more, was really the best you could run with?

Drifloon and Drifblim

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These are great designs. Although basically just taking an existing item (a balloon) and adding a face there are enough other touches and changes to make it stand as a monster, for example turning the string used to hold up the balloon into arms.

However, whilst these guys may look cute they really harbour a dark secret. From the pokedex entry;

“It is whispered that any child who mistakes DRIFLOON for a balloon and holds on to it could wind up missing.”

Drifloon is a kidnapper. An evil monster that steals children disguised as an innocent plaything. That is possibly too dark Nintendo. I’m not opposed to some dark themes in Pokemon but implied paedo…. actually I’m not sure what would be implied. What would a Drifloon do with a stolen child? The mind boggles frankly.

Buneary and Lopunny

bunearylopunny

*sigh*

Please, please, please stop making sexy Pokemon Nintendo. Please. I have nothing against furries. I don’t understand furries but they are welcome to have their own corner of the internet and do whatever they want in it. So long as it doesn’t  hurt people. But this, this is hurting people. You have made me contemplate Pokemon sexiness today and that was not something I wanted to do.

Just please, no more stripper boots.

Mismagius

mismagius

Misdreavus was dull but Mismagius is awesome. Although basically just a wiche’s hat and a cloak sometimes one evocative detail like that is all you really need.

Honchkrow

honchkrow

I think being next to Mismagius ( a witch) we’re supposed to read Honchkrow as a wizard, with the white fathers being a beard and the hat being a wizard’s hat. But I always thought he looked more like a gangster wearing a tuxedo. The name honch, as in head honcho, sort of implies that too. Is he a gangster wizard? Because that sounds awesome. In fact screw Pokemon I want a game about wizard gang wars right now.

I’ll wait…..

Glameow and Purguly

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They’ve done the ugly monster turns into gorgeous one trick before but now we get the reverse and, ye gods man! Ugly doesn’t begin to cover it.

Want me to make it worse for you. Okay, see the bulge under the body and the white markings on Purugly. That is supposed to resemble the kind of tabards older Japanese women often wear. That’s right, this is a pokemon themed around how the designer’s wife got fat and ugly after they got married. And I thought the child stealing balloon was dark, this guy needs therapy.

Chingling

chingling

I like this one a lot. Somebody at the design time clearly noticed that bells kind of have faces already and not much needs to be done to turn it into a monster except give it some arms and legs. I wish more designs worked on similar principles.

Stunky and Skuntank

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The best thing about this Pokemon by far, by far is that when it arrives in battle it issues forth a massive fart. I’m 26 years old and monsters using farts to attack their enemies is till fun. Can you imagine how brilliant that is when you’re 10?

Bronzor and Bronzong

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Pretty similar design to Chingling actually, take object, turn existing patterns into face only less well done since the faces are so bland and lacking in personality.

Bonsly

The first of a slew of baby Pokemon in this generation. There usually isn’t much to say about baby Pokemon, they’re “cute” versions of existing designs. They have the classic small fat bodies, disproportionately large heads and eyes we associate with babies and that evoke cuteness. Bonsley’s just well executed more of the same.

Mime Jr

Whilst Mr Mime might be my least favourite original gen 1 design I love Mime Jr, probably because he looks much more like a monster and less like a guy in a suit. It helps that his clown hat looks like his head rather than a hat. Actually it might be that he’s clown themed and I just hate clowns much, much less than I hate mimes.

Happiny

Is that really a Pokemon in a poodle skirt? Is that why she’s called Happiny, because of Happy Days? that seems like an odd reference for a Japanese guy to make. Tuxedo Mask, sure, but Grease?

Chatot

Making a parrot themed around sound is inspired. Unfortunately only the headcrest sells that in this design with the rest just being a generic parrot. I’m also not sure why it has the “not sure if” Fry Meme expression.

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Sprirtomb

“Oh shit! I just spilled my paints everywhere.”

“Wait Gary doesn’t it, kind of look like a face?”

“You’re right Steve it does.”

“Well why don’t you just knock off early and submit that as your Pokemon design?”

“………GENIUS!”

Gible, Garbite and Garchomp

What’s scarier than a shark? A SHARK THAT CAN CLIMB OUT OF THE SEA AND CAN GET YOU ANYWHERE!!!!

These three have more to them than just that, admittedly brilliant, concept though. Gible is a great start with the huge mouth and tiny arms and legs. It’s a similar concept to the baby Pokemon but with a huge scary mouth, a nice little inversion of tropes there. Garbite and Garchomp are more humanly proportioned and look more threatening because of it. You might think I’d complain about the little extraneous spikes everywhere but I actually like them, specifically because they do serve a purpose. Firstly sharks have teeth on their skin, it helps them cut through water and whilst they aren’t literal chompers but rather a sandpaper texture this is a nice version of that idea. The positioning also evokes the idea of the whole body as one giant mouth. Although Garbite and Garchomp have mouths the red pattern on the chest and the teeth on the knees and arms make it appear as if they’re whole body is one big mouth coming at you and that all ties back in with Gible. These are smart well thought out designs that not just look cool but have a ton of neat ideas incorporated into them too.

Munchlax

He just looks so happy, strolling along there. He looks like he’s just about to burst into song.

“I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever was…”

Riolu and Lucario

These two are something of a fan favourite and Nintendo pushed them heavily as icons of this generation. I hate them, I just don’t understand anything about their concept or their execution. It’s a dog, stood up, with spikes on its hands and wearing shorts. What does that mean?!

The basic body shape and pose and the shorts suggests to me maybe a kickboxer but, but why make it a dog?

Oh….oh no.

No way.

Is it, maybe because kickboxing is popular in Thailand and Korea? Did you sneak a joke about Korean people eating dogs into a Pokemon game Nintendo?

I’m starting to think that maybe the “accidental” racism in Jynx was more intentional than I gave it credit for.

Hippopotus and Hippowdon

Like Gible this is an aquatic creature for some reason linked with the land. To that end I think that giving it a camo pattern is a cute way of suggesting a desert dwelling hippo.

When I look at Hippowdon all I get as far as is “OH god look at it’s red eyes! The satanic hippo is coming to eat me” and have to run away from my P.C. for a while until I think it’s safe.

Skorupi and Drapion

What an absolutely wasted opportunity. Scorpions! MOTHER FUCKING SCORPIONS! Scorpions, Nintendo, are one of the coolest animals on the planet. They have huge dangerous looking claws. They have enormous venomous tails. They’re sleek and badass with the body basically being a shiny after thought to those massive claws and tail. They are not, crucially, not, made of accordions.

Look at Skorupi, look at that mess. Instead of a dangerous sting it had some weird grabby thing. Instead of mighty claws it has tiny little stingers. It’s eyes look bizarre and make it look much more like a doodle than a creature that could exist. All of that is wasted but it all is second place to the frankly baffling decision to give it a body that looks like an accordion. That is all you see at first glance and it never gets any better.

Croagunk and Toxicroak

A cross between a poison dart frog and some kind of martial artist, although I can’t tell you what kind. There is a lot to like about these two and a lot that doesn’t make much sense. I love the subtle martial artist elements (the bandages and mouth guard/teeth), I like the dagger hands on Toxicroak and I like the facial expressions switching from goofy to sly and deadly. I don’t like the weird head spike though or the pattern of black lines which make it look as if Toxicroak is wearing some kind of harness.

Carnivine

Who wants a hug guys?

What, no, no, don’t let the big teeth scare you, Carnivine just wants cuddles.

Fineon and Lumenion

Does anyone like the fish Pokemon? I mean, I know Nintendo should make them since there are millions of species of fish and they come in lots of bizarre shapes and it would be weird if there weren’t any fish Pokemon but they’re all pretty uninspired and usually just consist of cartoony versions of whatever Ken Sugimori has in his fish tank at home. Plus I always found it weird to use them in battles. I mean most battles take place on land so how would the fish fight there? It would just be flopping about. With reptiles or amphibians they can come on land and blast jets of water or run over and tackle you, but what’s a Goldeen going to do in the desert?

All of this is distracting attention from the fact that I don’t have much to say here. Ermmm Finneon’s tail looks like a butterfly. That’s, kind of clever, I guess.

Mantyke

That sure is a baby manta-ray, yup.

Snover and Abomasnow

The brown parts on Snover are meant to be roots but with the overall body shape and colouring they make it look like this Pokemon is a miniature snow covered mountain. That’s the kind of duality of design that I like.

Weavile

Sigh, from here on in folks it’s all legendaries and new evolutions for old Pokemon. Some of these aren’t bad designs by any stretch of the imagination but again after the success of Gen 3 it’s a shame to see them go back to the well and rework old ideas rather than come up with something new. Weavile is a new evolution for Sneasel and I’ll be honest I don’t get it. Sneasel already had feathers for no reason I could discern and now Weavile adds more and turns them into some kind of head dress. In fact he looks a little bit like an Aztec. Is that racist? I don’t even know anymore.

Magnezone

A huge improvement on Magneton. Having the three magnemite fuse together rather than just hanging out near each other is much more imaginative and more focused. I also like this design a lot, I like the flying saucer shape and I love the single main eye. It’s alien and imposing.

Lickilicky

There’s stuff I like here, I like the body pattern evoking a bib and I quite like how fat he has gotten, it sells a gluttonous eating monster quite well. I don’t understand the Jehri Curl though or why his tongue got shorter. And really localistion team, Lickilicky? This guy was named on Friday afternoon wasn’t he?

Rhyperior

Bwa ha, ha ha.

Sorry, I’ll just…

BWA HA HA HA HA!

Alright, whose bright idea was it to combine Rhydon with the Michelin man?

Actually there are a lot of clever things going on with Rhyperior. His nose is a drill, his arms are jack hammers, his tail is a wrecking ball, the orange patterning on his head is supposed to be ear protectors and on his body a hi-vis jacket. Basically he’s a burly construction worker with his tools built right into his body. That’s a great idea but if I hadn’t explained that would you have spotted it? No, because this design is an overly cluttered jumbled up mess. Nice try guys but maybe work a little harder next time.

Tangrowrth

Exactly the same as Tangela but bigger and with some of the tentacles extended to make arms. Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy.

Electivre

I love Elekid and hate Electabuzz and Electivre is a resounding meh. What worked in Elekid is the electrical elements were obvious and well incorporated into the body shape. Here he just has two plugs stuck to his back.

Magmortar

I’ve made fun of the previous two Magby/Magmar evolutions for being magma ducks with goofy faces. Well, you fixed one issue at least, he isn’t a duck. Instead he’s a fat guy with a hilarious face in a unitard and guns for hands. I don’t think there is a single redeeming feature of this design.

Togekiss

Togekiss looks a lot like Togepi, since Togepi was basically and egg and here we have a flying egg, but almost nothing like Togetic. Togetic had wings and arms, a long neck, etc. I much prefer Togekiss but it’s odd nonetheless.

Also do you think he misses having hands? He doesn’t look like he does.

Yanmega

I think I might have to replace the “just stick a horn on it” gag with “eh we’ll just cover it in spikes” at this point.

Leafeon and Glaceon

Unlike other pokemon I think are going back to the old well too many times I love new Eeveelutions. I want ones for every type. Leafeon and Glaceon are clear examples why. Strong clearly focused designs free of extraneous elements.

Gliscor

How do you make a flying bat/scorpion monster even scarier? You make it look like Dracula, complete with fangs, hypnotic eyes and cape. No criticism here that is inspired.

Mamoswine

I really like this one a lot. It’s a pig mammoth. Not exactly earth shattering but a simple well executed concept.

Porygon Z

I liked Porygon 2 well enough. I liked how the move from square pixels to rounded ones suggested an improvement in computer graphics and how the sequel name sounded artificial and linked in with its computer program roots. This though? What do the floating limbs or the Z title add? It’s just copying an earlier idea without improving on it.

Gallade

A male version of Gardevoir and whilst she was all soft wavy lines and curves he is all sharp angles and slats. And a poop filled diaper apparently. Gallade is a bit of a disaster really, a bunch of randomly connected elements that signify nothing.

Probopass

Hoo boy.

I think at this point the accidental racism excuse is starting to look flimsy.

He’s meant to be a compass with his big nose pointing north. And those weird chicken things on his shoulders are the other compass points. But all you’ll see, all you will ever see is the stereotype of a Jewish man. And it’s on purpose guys, they wouldn’t have added a hat and moustache if it wasn’t. Honestly Nintendo did you learn nothing from Jynx? I mean personally stuff like this doesn’t offend me but I’m flabbergasted that you would make the same mistake twice. Are you just fucking with us? Is that it?

Dusknoir

His torso is a frowny face and he has a stupid hat. Next.

Froslass

Whilst Froslass is million times better than Glalie there are a lot of things here that are just weird.

So she’s supposed to be the ghost of a girl that wandered in the mountains and froze to death. Why make that an evolution then? That, that just doesn’t work, you can’t change from something that isn’t a ghost into something that is except by dying. And if it’s a girl why the ugly face? And why are her arms and her kimono sleeves actually her ears? There’s a good idea here but it doesn’t shine through.

Rotom

Rotom may come from the “stick a horn on it” school but he gets a pass because he is awesome. The basic Rotom is a face with a horn and two lightning bolts. That’s overtly simplistic but again it gets a pass because Rotom’s alternate forms are so brilliant. His high concept is that he’s a kind of electric spirit that possess household appliances and brings them to life. To that end his simplicity works because you can take something like a fridge, add his spike, face and energy aura to it and get something that is clearly Rotom but also clearly a fridge. That’s just ingenious. Rotom is easily the highlight of this generation. As to which form I like best? I like the lawnmower best as the blades of the lawnmower get transformed into deadly teeth.

Uxie, Mesprit and Azelf

Basically the same monster design three times with a different headdress. Nothing about these creatures design really suggests their high concept, that they embody the properties of knowledge, emotion and will but they do look like abstract mystical creatures. They are kind of similar to Mew in body shape which was another abstract mystical beast. All told they’re kind of dull but not incompetent.

Dialga

Dialga is literally the creature responsible for creating and maintaining time itself. It’s special moves relate to its ability to control time. It’s a godlike creature that literally shapes the universe around it. So where are all the cool element’s in its design that evoke time? Where are the clocks, stars, hourglasses, etc? Simply put there are none, for the legendaries in this generation Nintendo decided to go with an abstract design that looks impressive but doesn’t really convey the specific power of the creature just the sense that it is powerful and godlike.

I’d say the Dialga design does a good job of conveying power. The proportions, the massive headress, the armour, the facial expression; they all suggest a formidable quality. It is once again, however, overly busy and full of extraneous elements.

Palkia

Palkia has the same problems as Dialga. Nothing about it suggests its role as controller of space. It’s also less successful at looking intimidating, partly because its pink but also because of the stupid head find and the porportions. Mostly because it’s pink though.

Heatran

I dunno about this guy really. I like his face which has a sort of cutely grumpy thing going on similar to Geodude but his body is waaaaay too stumpy and his little stubby tail is adorable when it really, really shouldn’t be.

Regigigas

I don’t know what it is but something about Regigigas is just hilarious to me. He’s supposed to be the creator of the continent the game is set on and he’s also supposed to link in with the golems from the last game. They successfully made him look like the golems (not hard since all they had to do was give him dots for a face) but does anything about this guy say “creates continent” to you? Maybe his dinky little trees, but certainly not his weird techno piping, his zebra colouring or the flashing lights on his chest. It’s almost like he was designed using Madlibs.

So Ken, today’s challenge is to make a techno-zebra-golem-tree-slot machine-monster. You have ten minutes, do your best.

Giratina

Giratina is the third of a trio with Dialga and Palkia, responsible for the spirit world. Unlike the other two his serpentine appearance and weird shredded wings do actually hint at a ghostly nature. He shares many design elements with the other two so they do look unified but he’s by far the best. Imposing and characterful. I much prefer his alternate form to his regular 6 legged form though since those stumpy little feet are goofy as hell and the snake body is much creepier.

Cresselia

Was this a dare? Did they have a competition to make a pokemon using only crescent shapes? Well, mission nearly completed guys, well done.

Phione and Manaphy

These two are controversial since officially they are considered legendaries but one of the rules for being a legendary is that you can’t breed. Yet the only way you can get a Phione is to breed an egg from a Manaphy. It’s even odder that Nintendo would change the rules for this since the two designs are almost identical, the only real difference being the pattern on the eyes. Did this really warrant two stabs at the same idea? Surely one would have been sufficient.

You may be asking, “What the hell are these strange blue things anyway?” oh you weren’t? Well tough because I’m telling you anyway. Phione and Manaphy are Cliones, a kind of slug often called Sea Angels. Here’s one for you;

220px-Sea_angel

Once again this is an animal Japanese people are very familiar with and that features heavily in their television and culture but which isn’t well known in the West.

The actual designs here are surprisingly decent attempts to translate the strange shape of a Clione into something more traditionally cute.

Darkrai

Hey Drakrai, the 80’s called, they want their shoulder pads back.

Shaymin

Like Togekiss and Togetic these are two perfectly good designs that seem weird to be shared by the same creature. Shaymin is a grass hedgehog and the first design is literally this. That is a surprisingly realistic drawing a hedgehog with leaves instead of spikes and a large flower placed where a woman might wear one, just behind the ear. Simple, iconic, distinctive and basically everything I like in a Pokemon design. Shaymin’s alternate form happens when it wears the sky charm. Firslty it turns into a much cartoonier design, large anime eyes, a disproportionate head, spiky anime hair style, a more human expression on the face. The flower turns into a funky scarf and  for some incredibly random reason the hair also grows wing/ears. What is with this generation and ears being used for other things?

I think both designs are great however, I find it weird that such a realistic drawing and such a cartoony one are variations on the same creature.

Arceus

Arceus is the creator of the entire Pokemon universe. As such he has to fit in visually with Dialga, Palkia and Giratina. They do share many elements, the head shape from Palkia, body shape of Dialga, neck spikes from Giratina and of course the repeated device of the metal piping. On Arceus they look more balanced and less cluttered though. I suspect he was designed first and the others patterned after him exaggerating certain traits. He’s still very abstract but when you’re dealing with the creator of all time and space what signifiers can you use really? So long as he looks wise and powerful, both of which I think the design conveys, then that’s all you need really.

In conclusion I actually like many of the designs in this generation a lot, despite the clutter and complexity. Its main failing in my book is that it tried to recapture the success of older designs too often instead of coming up with original ideas. Fortunately Nintendo seemed to agree since in the next game we got 150 completely new beasties with no new evolutions or baby forms of existing monsters.

With Generation 2 building on the surprise smash success of the first Generation of Pokemon the franchise was secure in its position. Pokemon was a monster hit and they had been able to keep the magic going. The Anime was still on air, they had been able to release a few more films, many theatrically, even in overseas territories and Gold and Silver had improved on the original games and were widely hailed as some of the best RPG’s available. They had even been able to get character designs like Lugia and Togepi to make an impact in public consciousness almost as big as the original 151.

Gen 3 then didn’t have the pressure the designers were under for Gen 2 and you can see this in the designs. There is a lot more experimentation going on, a shift away from copying what was successful before and instead trying to come up with new ideas, animals that hadn’t been adapted before, and even looking to adapting metaphysical concepts instead of just animals and physical objects.

One thing you’ll notice straight away is that the art style is dramatically different. The original 151 are very flat cartoony designs. They have a simplicity to them that makes it easy for a kid to draw them and works well on the limited graphic capabilities of the Gameboy and Gameboy Color. Starting in Generation 3 we get much more sophisticated artwork, there are more textures, more realistically proportioned monster designs and more detail. There’s also a lot more depth to the colours, instead of being flat colours the designs incorporate more shading and shadow effects, highlights and the like. It s a quantum leap in terms of art and shows real improvement from Ken Sugimori as an artist. However, from a design perspective its probably a step back. Adding complexity detracts from the simple and iconic power of the original 151 designs.

Treecko, Groyvyle and Sceptile

Fittingly these three designs point out a lot of the strengths and weaknesses of Generation 3 straight away.

In the strengths department the first thing to note is the originality. Bulbasaur and Chikorita are very similar designs, a smallish reptilian monster with a bulb on its back or leaf on its head. Treecko obviously follows some of this but the leaf is incorporated more subtly, it replaces a body part (the tail) rather than just being slapped on. It’s also a bipedal monster whereas Bulbasaur and Chikorita are both four legged. Finally rather than being some kind of generic reptile this is specifically a gecko, an animal the series has not adapted before.

The new art style is also in clear evidence, just look at Treeko. There is shading under his mouth and on his limbs and highlights at his stomach, eye tips and on his tail. This is much more of a drawing and less of a video game sprite. The new art style especially works well on Groyvyle. That thing looks badass, a velociraptor leaping out of the trees with clawed feet and hands. The leaf blades add a real sense of movement and help sell the idea of leaping death. This is that rarest of things, a bad ass pokemon design, not cute, not goofy, not ugly but sleek and deadly and dangerous.

On the bad side though we have unnecessary clutter and complications. Why does Sceptile have that little line and downward pointing arrow on his chest? What does it add? It doesn’t suggest movement, it doesn’t define shape, its not symbolic of anything its just unnecessary clutter. Also what are those little balls on Sceptile’s back? I never worked that out. Are they fruit? Seeds? Pollen?

Torchic, Combusken and Blaziken

Again some points for originality here. Unlike the previous two fire types this monster is not actually on fire instead the fire is subtly suggested in the flame designs on the feathers and the colouring. Its very distinct from the last two fire starters and that’s a good thing.

In fact both Combusken and Blaziken look much more like fighting types with their dramatic action poses, sharp claws and kicking legs.

I also love it when animals that you’d normally barbeque gain fire powers. The delicious irony. Delicious, like barbecued chicken.

Hmmmmmm, chicken.

Torchic I like, its simple and cute and Combusken is about as good an exeuction of kung-fu-fire-chicken as you could ask for. Blaziken though; well for starters it looks nothing at all like a chicken, it just looks like a feathery anthro monster. It also has tons of weird bizarre feature, like its flares, its feather waist coat and the frankly unsettling feathering round its groinal regions,

Mudkip, Marshtomp and Swampert

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me the internet loves Mudkip. Images of Mudkip saying “moar” have attained almost lolcat levels of meme penetration and I have absolutely no idea why.

I kind of love these three. First of all I love the fact that they decided to make a monster out of a mudskipper in the first place. Mudskippers are awesome of course, they’re fish that can live outside of water for short periods and even climb trees. That’s such a mind boggling concept that of course somebody should make a pokemon out of it eventually. Its just, well, look at a mudskipper.

That guy is many things but cute is not one of them. The effort needed to take that, turn it into something as cute as Mudkip ad yet still keep them as recognizably the same animal is to be applauded.

I don’t really have much to say about Swampert and Marshtomp except that Swampert  looks unbelievably goofy. There’s something about his vacant eyes and open mouth that just says “duuuuuuh.”

Poochyena and Mightyena

These designs are so dull I almost forgot to write something about them.

Did you know female Hyena have a clitoris larger than the Males’ penis and that it can actually become erect?

That was an interesting fact. These two are not interesting Pokemon.

Zizgzagzoon and Linoone

This generations Rattata and Ratticate and once again a massive improvement. For starters neither animal is unaccountably purple and that is always a good thing. Secondly Zigzagzoon is kind of visibly interesting with the nice zig zagged stripe pattern. They’re squarely in the dull but complicated bracket though, a massive step down from Sentret in the last generation.

Wurmple, Silccon, Cascoon, Beautifly and Dustox

Wurmple is the first example this generation of the “stick a horn on it” crew. Representing for lazy design. Word brother. But if you think that’s lazy wait until you get a look at…

Silcoon and Cascoon

Mirror flipped designs of a ball with spikes. And an eye. Silcoon is a terrible and boring design anyway. Pokemon has done cocoons before with Metapod and Kakuna but they had faces and expressions. These are, literally, spiky balls. And the sheer massive balls it takes to submit what is effectively the same design twice is just mind blowing. The “I do not give a fuckery” on display here is nigh on cosmic.

Hey Beautifly, Butterfree called and he wants his shtick back.

You might think I’d be similarly harsh on Dustox but that guy at least has the decency not to look exactly like Venomoth, in fact the design  is fairly original if a little dull. I do love his weird eyes though, I don’t know what the thinking behind them is but they’re creepy.

Lotad, Lombre and Ludicolo

Although Lotad is basically a frog with a lilly pad stuck in its back I actually don’t mind the “lets just stick a plant on an animal” design school here, mainly because this links in with notions of camouflage. Frogs sit on lilly pads so what if we have a frog underneath one? And while it swims along all the other Pokemon would see would be a lilly pad! It’s a nice idea, it actually sounds like something you’d get in nature and this is a dull but adequate execution of that idea.

Then with Lombre the crazy starts because the obvious evolution from camo’d frog is Mexican cowboy right? Because that’s what they’re going for. They evolved the frog into some kind of anthro monster and made his lillypad into a sombrero.

Whilst I don’t really get the thought process that links lillypad’s to mexican hats I quite like Lombre, its a subtle execution of the high concept with the cowboy stuff primarily limited to that hat, name (a play on Hombre, a kind of spanish slang for a guy) and the pose and facial expressions. There are also some other fun details like how the colouring suggests a waistcoat.

Then the crazy goes full on with Ludicolo. First of all it goes from an anthro frog to some kind of duck which…..whatever fine lets just run with it but everything else. Just drink in the ridiculous glory. First of all the logical evolution from Mexican cowboy is to Mariachi band which…yes, of course it is. And whilst Lombre was fairly subtle Ludicolo and subtle should never be two words used in the same sentence. It’s wearing a poncho for god’s sake, it looks like a maraca, it has a sombrero that is also a palm tree. A sombero that is also a palm tree!!! This thing is amazing!

Seedot, Nuzleaf, Shiftry

Like the previous trio we get a completely average pokemon design, a fairly well executed anthro monster and then something batshit crazy. And again its glorious.

Seedot is an acorn with legs and eyes. Pokemon designs don’t get more classic than that, it’s dull but its fine and admittedly they hadn’t done an acorn before.

Nuzleaf looks like some kind of Amazonian warrior and is basically a boring anthro monster with poorly executed plant bits like having a leaf on its head. I think he might be the first pokemon with visible nipples so he has got that going for him at least.

And then for some reason to the Japanese the logical extension from Amazonian warrior is Kabuki actor.

For those of your unfamiliar with Kabuki here is wikipedia’s entry on it. Briefly it’s a very stylised dramatic form that mixes dance and a weird kind of poetic singing to tell stories. All we need to know for our purposes is that Kabuki actors look like this

Shiftry is basically just a boring anthro monster with poorly incorporated plant elements but the very fact that they wanted to make a pokemon out of something as aesthetically bizarre as kabuki redeems it. Kabuki looks odd and interesting so Shiftry looks odd and interesting. And his feet are sandals, I just love that little touch.

Tailow and Swellow

This generations Spearow and Fearow aka boring birds I have nothing funny or interesting to say about.

Wingull and Pellipper

Seagulls, an animal famed for stealing and eating food from out of human hands, evolve into Pelicans, an animal famed for having a massive beak that can stretch and extend thus presumably allowing it to to steal more food from human hands.

That there is a bit of observational genius, well done.

Ralts, Kirlia and Gardevoir

I initially had no idea what on earth is supposed to be going on with these monsters other than being boring anthro beasts with stubby arms. According to pokemondb.net ralts’ name is supposed to be a reference to the waltz so I guess they’re all dancers? I can see Kirlia as a ballet dancer and I guess Gardevoir is wearing a ballgown but how does that relate to Ralts at all?

As much as I dig on Chansy for being many fetishes personnified there is a disturbing amount of Gardevoir porn out there on the web. Some people want to shag pokemon it seems and naturally they gravitate towards the one that most looks like a sexy lady, even if she has no mouth and technically no legs.

Whatever, it takes all kinds to make a world. Even people who want to shag dancing psychic monsters without legs.

Surskit  and Maskerain

What on earth has Surskit done that he’s so embarassed about? I mean look at the blush on his face, he’s deeply ashamed, I only wish I knew what it was he’d done.

Shroomish and Breloom

Shroomish is one of my all time faves and it is solely because of the hilarious frowny face. Most Pokemon are drawn with fairly neutral facial expressions or a happy smile or a bad ass scowl. Shroomish might have been trying for bad ass scowl but what they got was grumpy old guy chasing kids off his lawn. Such a shame he doesn’t have a fist to shake impotently.

Breloom however does have fists and is a fighting type, with all manner of punching moves he can use. Yet those arms have clearly got as much reach a T-Rex. Also I don’t know what thought process goes from “walking mushroom” to “t-rex in a samurai hat” but I think the clue might be in “mushroom.”

Slakoth, Vigoroth and Slaking.

An apt metaphor for the aging process. In youth we are unwise and easily confused, grasping for answers. As adolescents we become convinced we know all and lash out at the world hoping to change it. As we mature we accept that the world is the way it is and relax  becoming comfortable with ourselves and our lot in life. Also we get fat and gain man boobs and lose a lot of hair.

Nincada, Ninjask and Shedinja

This trio is all about Shedinja who has to be one of the most inspired designs in any of the Pokemon games and one of my all time favourites.

Nincada and Ninjask are of course Cicadas. For those who don’t know Cicadas are insects that the Japanese have a particularly attachment to since they signify that Summer is here. This is because Cicadas have a very strict life cycle. Every summer the larval form, the Nincada equivalent climbs a tree and forms a cocoon. It then bursts from that cocoon and spends the next couple of weeks repeatedly banging its body against trees and screaming causing a resonating chamber in its own body to make one of the loudest and most irritating sounds ever found in nature. The first year I lived in Japan I didn’t have Air Conditioning so to escape the oppressive heat I had to sleep with my windows open. This then gave me the new problem of having to sleep though the noise Cicadas make. The thing it is most similar to would be someone starting a pull cord engine like on a lawnmower or on a chainsaw, that big loud wind up noise followed by several juddering noises afterwards. A kind of krrrreeeeeeeettttt, reet, reet, reet, reeeeeeeeet,  only louder, in every tree, all day and night and with an element of screaming.

Whether by stockholm syndrome or some other madness though I actually grew to like the Cicada noise and began associating it with fond memories of Summer eating watermelon, drinking in beer gardens and watching fireworks.

None of that is pertinent to these designs except that Cicadas leave a larval cocoon on the tree they climb up and that is a Shedinja. The first two designs are basically cartoony versions of a larval and full grown cicada but Shedinja is a Pokemon design based on the husk a Cicada leaves behind. Rather awesomely you can’t catch a Shedinja, when you evolve a Nincada into a Ninjask a Shedinja just magically appears in a Pokeball on your team having been left behind when the Nincada turned into the Ninjask.

And its a ghost/ bug type suggesting that the left behind remains become animated by some lonely spirit.

I find that high concept to be just awesome, a shed husk flying around seeking revenge for being discarded by its former occupant, a dead thing that still moves and fights and all tied in with natural cycles.

And as if that high concept wasn’t cool enough the pokedex entry improves it.

“SHEDINJA’s hard body doesn’t move – not even a twitch. In fact, its body appears to be merely a hollow shell. It is believed that this POKéMON will steal the spirit of anyone peering into its hollow body from its back.”

Notice anything problematic about that?

How about that when you’re playing the game you’re constantly looking at Shedinja’s back.

Yup, anyone wanting to use a Shedinja risks having their immortal soul sucked from their body. That’s a risk that only the most hardcore Pokemon trainers are prepared to make.

Design wise Nincada and Ninjask are just competent cartoony versions of the animals they’re named for but Shedinja again goes a step above. My favourite design element by far are the wings formed from the part of the shell that burst open when Ninjask emerged. Not only is that a nice extrapolation from the concept of it being a discarded husk but it sells the idea that Shedinja “never moves” by giving it rigid pseudo-wings. I also like the halo which is just odd and the kind of off the wall design feature Gen 3 largely got rid of.

Whismur, Loudred and Exploud

These three would be an example of one of my favourite sub-groups of pokemon designs, namely gimmick pokemon whose design reflects their gimmick. For this family its all about noise and every design choice reflects this.

Whismur is obviously based on a rabbit with its big ears and those ears suggest noise but not in the way the other two monsters do. They suggest the reception of noise rather than the production of it. However there is actually something much more clever going on with Whismur’s design, it looks like a musical instrument, namely an Ocarina.

Check it,

Ocarina’s aren’t native to Japan but they’e extremely popular instruments in the country often used as teaching tools to get young children comfortable with the idea of musical instruments. Most people outside Japan will probably be most familiar with them from the popular Zelda game, Ocarina of Time.

Now I want you to look at the ocarina and then at Whismur and then back at the ocarina. picture that those two big holes are whismur’s eyes and then in between you have the very small, whispering, mouth. Then you have another hole in the top of Whismur’s head with a big pointy stub sticking out of it. Go back and look at Whismur’s ear, can you see the hole in his head underneath it? can you also see the two colour tone of Whismur’s ear, like a human finger or like the grain of the wood on the ocarina I pictured there. It’s not a prefect fit but the idea is supposed to be that Whismur is an ocarina and can use his ears to cover the holes in his body like we would use our fingers to cover the holes in an ocarina. The biggest difference is the eyes which on Whismur look like cut outs rather than holes but those are also reflective of musical instruments as similar thin slits are seen on guitars, violins, etc.

Loudred of course is based on a boombox, both in the colouring, the squared off shape and the two big amps he has for ears. Its a logical progression (musical instrument < boom box for making noise) but still maintains key design features of Whismur such as the large ‘ears’ and general shape. Also I love the huge shouting mouth and how stupid and happy he looks.

Exploud again keeps the theme going but looks like some kind of monster church organ with pipes everywhere. His ears have no become a head crest of pipes and he even has pipes sticking out his knees. And his mouth is even bigger! To my mind he looks kind of like a saxophone. Picture the tail as the part one would blow into and the general body shape is kind of similar to a saxophone or I suppose possibly a french horn or trombone as well.

Its a good group of evolutions, they’re based on a more abstract concept but personify it well and yet still look like viable living creatures too.

Makuhita and Hariyama

I’ve made my dislike for anthro fighting types known before and Makuhita and Hariyama are no exception

Azurill

What the hell is Azurill? It looks kind of like a tear drop with mouse ears and it definitely looks sad and that it could burst into tears at any moment. But then you get that huge tail. The Pokedex entry makes it sound like a water ballon as it spins round and round and then hurls its tail out to propel itself forward (this violates all manner of laws of physics but in a game with electric shock rats I’m not going to press that point too hard). Either way it looks almost exactly like Marill only without arms and with a sad face. Was this necessary? It doesn’t have a cool unique concept, it isn’t appreciably cuter than Marill, it isn’t selling some new game feature like Pichu was, it’s just a pointless spin on an existing monster.

Nosepass

Well obviously this is a Maoi (one of those Easter Island Heads) only with tiny arms and legs that let it walk around like someone doing a robot dance.

Much like Shiftry the actual design isn’t too great itself but the real world object it draws inspiration from is weird and aesthetically distinctive enough that the design works anyway just on the strength of original concept.

One thing the pokemon designers did add was to link the Easter Island heads to the concept of a compass (hence the -pass part of the nosepass name) and that’s the explanation for the giant nose, it is supposed to be pointing along compass lines.

Skitty and Delcatty

I’ll be brutally honest here, I have no idea. Obviously they’re both cats and Skitty in particular is drawn in a very abstract and super cute style so they’re meant to be cute. But these two have so many design elements that I just don’t understand at all. Why is Skitty pink? Why is Delcatty purple? Why does Delcatty have a muff or scarf with weird pom-poms sticking out of it? Why does skitty have these pom-poms on its tail.

Maybe the pokedex can shed some light on this.

“SKITTY has the habit of becoming fascinated by moving objects and chasing them around. This POKéMON is known to chase after its own tail and become dizzy.”

Okay that does give me a big clue actually. The tail is supposed to be based on the plant “Typha” known in Japanese and American English as cat’s tails but to me as a Bullrush. Here’s a picture of one.

So I supposed I can see what they did there. Cats are supposed to love chasing Typha and making a cats tail into a literal cat’s tail is a simple visual pun. I’d have made it a plant type personally but I can see what they did there. No idea why its pink or super deformed though, what about Delcatty?

“DELCATTY prefers to live an unfettered existence in which it can do as it pleases at its own pace. Because this POKéMON eats and sleeps whenever it decides, its daily routines are completely random.”

Its wearing a travel pillow, like the kind you see people wear on airplanes to sleep in a seat.

I don’t know who looked at a cat and thought,” yes! Yes that, but wearing a travel pillow! That is the perfect monster for my game, I shall draw it at once!” but that’s the kind of bat-shit craziness I love in my pokemon design.

Oh who a I kidding this one clearly belongs to the “designer drawing stuff on his desk” category except we’re extending his range of visual inspiration to “shit my cat is doing in my home office”.

I totally want to force my cat to wear a travel pillow now, then I’ll put it in a ball throw it at my enemies and yell “Dellcatty, I chose you!”

Sableye

Now I ain’t sayin’ Sableye is a gold digga but when you looked deep into his eyes you could see he was only holding out for some bling bling. That’s why I had to end it. Sableye I love you but I could tell you were all about the benjamins.

Mawile

Okay lets get this out of the way quickly. In the picture you can see Mawile is facing away from you, his mouth is just visible on the other side of his head, what you think is his mouth is actually hair.

Now that’s cool for two reasons. Firstly its something real animals do all the time, making one body part they don’t mind losing look like something important like a head, or making an innocuous body part look big and threatening. I mean look at this snake for starters.

Well that isn’t a snake, that right there is a caterpillar’s bum.

Nature is amazing you guys.

Also the specific idea of hair being a mouth harkens back to Japanese mythology.

Yokai is a Japanese word meaning ghosts or monsters but they have a much looser idea of what a ghost is then we in the West. Western ghosts are specifically the dead souls of people or animals that haunt the earth still. Yokai is more about perversion, ordinary objects turned into monsters, the ordinary but faceless people that live amongst us or the lovely bride that turns out to hide a horrible secret.

Mawile is an example of the latter since it refers to the yokai known as futakucchi-onna or “two mouthed woman”

The futakucchi-onna, as the name suggests, is a woman with two mouths, one in the back of her head and she is usually depicted as having hair the forms tendrils to feed the mouth. We can all guess the folk story behind this yokai pretty easily, man marries gorgeous woman, is pretty happy with his lot but then discovers that she has an insatiable appetite and eats him out of house and home. Like many monsters they work as symbols for the frustrations and problems of real life.

One look at that picture above and you can instantly see the visual inspiration for Mawile.

So, with two cool concepts you’d think I’d like Mawile a lot, but sadly I’m not a fan. This is partly because the jaws just look too big, They’re only attached by a tiny little spindle and whilst they may be made of horn I jst can’t picture Mawile moving whilst carrying that massive set of horns around. Also Mawile’s body hasn’t been particularly thought out, it’s yet another boring anthro monster although weirdly rather than a kimono or similar inspiration they’ve given it fur that makes it look more like another different yokai, namely a Namahage

Also why is Mawile a steel type? It has straw fur and big horns and doesn’t look even remotely metallic. Unlike the next designs.

Aron, Lairon and Aggron

DINOSAURS MADE OF METAL!

METAL DINOSAURS!

Need I say more?

Well okay. Aron is cute with his big eyes, stubby little limbs and disproportionately large head. Also what kind of name for a pokemon is Aron? That is just a legitimate first name, that would be like naming a pokemon Dave, or Fred, or Bob.

I chose you Patrick!

LAIRON (and yes I am going to use all caps, he deserves it) though, LAIRON is perfect. He looks like an evolution of Aron but bigger meaner and more badass. His short but thick legs just denote power and his armour plates look like samurai armour. LAIRON is the consumate badass..

Aggron, despite having the best name is a bit of a disappointment compared to LAIRON. The upright posture makes him look less powerful and more clumsy and awkward. It also deflects attention from the awesome back armour and onto the belly which is kind of a big grey boring blob. They’ve tried to make the large bland space of his gut look interesting by adding lines but it just looks complicated and messy. Still Aggron is a METAL DINOSAUR and that’s a concept so pure and great they can’t really mess it up.

Meditite and Medicham

Boring anthro-fighting types? Possibly, except for Meditite’s hilarious nappy and Medicham’s hilarious everything. Let’s start with his hammer pants, no wait lets start with his floppy eared stoner hat, no, no its all about his slutty, slutty lips caked in lipstick.

Oh Medicham, you don’t have to blow guys for money anymore. You’re a Pokemon now, its all gravy train from here on in baby.

Electrike and Manectric

What are Electrike and Magnectric? I mean I understand that they’re dogs but I haven’t ever seen a dog that looks remotely like either of them. Electrike hs this weird swept back head and Manectric has this…ice cream cone? Pyramid hat? I frankly don’t know what is going on with his head. Not to mention his spats. Maybe its a top hat, to go with his spats.

They’re not bad designs, quite streamlined and spiky and cool looking but I don’t understand the themeing at all.

Plusle and Minun

Generation 3 introduced the concept of team battles for the first time and so it also introduced a lot of Pokemon designs that work in pairs either in support of each other or in opposition. Plusle and Minun are kind of the mascot for this gimmick and as such their high concept is all about support and balance.

More specifically they’re electric types with one being positive polarity and the other being negative polarity. This high concept is expressed well in the design with the names, tails and little cheek signs all indicating which pole they represent. And the idea of keeping their designs identical but for these small changes makes those changes pop and sells the gimmick. They are obvious rip offs of Pikachu in they’re overall shape and design but that works too. Pikachu is an electric type after all as are these. Pikachu is also the mascot for Pokemon and these guys are kind of the mascot for Gen 3 since that Gen was all about pair and team battles.

Volbeat and Illumise

Volbeat and Illumise are also supposed to be a matched pair but they don’t have anything like as decent a theming idea as Plusle and Minun. Basically the themeing idea here is those two pokemon are totally fucking. Volbeat is always male and illumise is always female and their attacks are based around what they do to attract the opposite gender. Volbeat uses his sexy ass, literally, he has a light on his ass he uses to attract Illumise. Illumise uses her sweet perfumes to drive Volbeat mad with lust.

This is a kid’s game right?

Roselia

Roselia is an anthro monster with flowers for arms. Its perfectly fine for what it is but that concept is just so very, very dull. We’ve had flower monsters before and this design brings nothing new to the table at all.

Gulpin and Swalot

Here let me spoil Gulpin for you forever. See his hands and his mouth? Those are cartoon representations of testicles. Do you see it?! Good, because now you will never unsee it.

Swalot is a purple blob and I actually have no problem with that. A purple blob is a fine idea for a monster, so good in fact that they’ve already used it twice before in the form of Grimer and Muk. But whilst Gulpin may not be terribly original he is superior to Grimer and Muk by simple virtue of having a moustache.

That’s really all you need for your evolutions Gamefreak, slap a moustache on it. Everyone knows that moustaches are symbols of power, virility and excellence and it’s an easy visual smbol to say that your tiny pathetic child Swalot has become a MANLY Gulpin.

Yes, I do have a moustache. Why do you ask?

Carvanha and Sharpedo

Carvannha is distinctly meh. Its not a bad design but it doesn’t have much going for it. Plus Piranhas are awesome looking to start with and Carvanha actually does a poor job of representing the inherent awesomeness of Piranhas.

Sharpedo on the other hand is the dog’s bollocks and no mistake. Sharks are just cool, no argument, no discussion they look fantastic. Mother nature has not designed a more streamlined and bad ass looking sea monster and I am frankly amazed that it took until generation 3 for a Shark pokemon to appear.

Now Gamefreak could have just added in a photo realistic Great White Shark and we would all have been perfectly happy, but, mad geniuses that they are, they decided to try and make a shark look even cooler. How did they manage it? They decided to combine a shark with a motherfucking torpedo!

Yes, this thing doesn’t swim towards you, oh no. It is propelled like a heat seeking missle on a jet blast of toothy death.

Genius concept, great design.

Wailmer and Wailord

I love me some Wailmer, I absolutely adore this little guy. The idea is that he’s a combination between a Baleen Whale and a beach ball, a balloon whale if you will. That’s a terrible pun but we all know Pokemon based on terrible puns make the best Pokemon.

I mean there isn’t much to him, he’s a sphere with flippers a face and eyes but it just works. Its cute, funny and brilliant in concept and execution.

I love the mental image of Whales, these massive heavy things, bouncing around like beach balls too.

Wailord works a little bit less well. The idea is he’s a blimp and the position of the fins and overall shape does sell this but he is less cute and the more realistic animal shape is less funny. Flying Whales are a cool idea though.

Numel and Camerupt

How’s this for a one line pitch. Imagine a camel, but instead of a hump it has a volcano on its back.

Now that is the kind of monster design I love about pokemon, combining a real world animal with an elemental force into a coherent design and Numel and Camerupt are a great execution of that idea.

Numel doesn’t really work alone, it has a hilariously dopey expression and inexplicable green patterns on its back. However once you realise it is part of an evolution family with Camerupt it all makes perfect sense. Numel is the dormant volcano, covered in grass, passive, dopey and weak. Whereas camerupt is the volcano in full explosive force with rocky sides of freshly laid magma.

And is there any more classic design idea than a one humped camel “evolving” into a two humped camel.

It does suffer a bit from gen 3 pointless complexity though in the form of the mysterious 3 blue circles of camerupt. Why? What do these add exactly?

Torkoal

Torkoal is a Tortoise but his shell is a bit like a volcano issuing smoke, which, wait, wait, hold on.

Isn’t this the same damn idea as Cameupt only with a Tortoise?

Well not quite, Torkoal is supposed to look like an oven issuing smoke but it is a very similar idea and for both Pokemon not only to appear in the same generation but next to each other in the Pokedex is a bit much.

Also is it me or does he look stoned?

Spoink and Grumpig

Spoink may be my least favourite Pokemon and Grumpig doesn’t fair too much better. I can see what they were going for. They looked at the curly tail of a pig and thought what if we made that a spring that the monster bounces on. That’s absolutely fine, spring tailed bouncing monster is a great concept, go with that. But then the execution is just so awful. For starters we’re back to stubby useless arms and bodies that are just comprised of a head just like another of my all time hates Golbat, but whereas Golbat at least had a mouth instead this thing just has a nose, admittedly a cute nose but it must make eating berries very difficult.

But no, the real killer is that fucking ball.

What the hell is going on with the ball? Is it attached to the monster? No, it clearly isn’t it’s just a ball. So if it isn’t a part of it then why does every Spoink have one? And how can it be balanced on there when it’s a round ball on a round head? And this monster bounces, that’s got to make carrying the stupid fucking ball everywhere difficult.

And logic aside from a pure deign sense what does the ball add? It’ this big pink eye catching monstrosity sitting atop a perfectly okay bouncing pig monster. It’s the first thing you look at and it completely distracts from the grey shape underneath it. That might be okay if the ball was thematically important or something but, well what the hell does a big pink ball have to do with pigs or springs?

Did the designer spill pink paint on the design and then just run with it?

Honestly that ball just mystifies me. Its totally pointless and just destroys what would have been an okay design with its inconguous distracting pink ballness.

And Grumpig’s pose makes it look like he’s using his armpit to make farting noises. That is all.

Spinda

Spinda is totally okay to drive you guys. He’s not drunk at all, just, just give him his keys back okay. He’s only heading down the block anyway what could happen?

Trapinch, Vibrava and Flygon

Now at first glance you might think that this is one evolution tree I was going to get upset about since Trapinch looks absoluely nothing like Vibrava or Flygon. However this trio is actually based on a real animal, an Antlion and the change between the larval form and the adult form is as extreme as Trapinch to Vibrava.

Here’s a larval Antlion

So now you know what you’ll be having nightmares about for the next…forever.

As you can plainly see Trapinch is only loosely inspired by an real Antlion, after all this is a game for kids and unrepentant Lovecraftian horror is a bit much for 10 year olds. The real Antlion has six legs, Trapinch has 4….hosepipes, the real Antlion has tiny hairs that look like lethal daggers, Trapinch is bright orange, the Antlion has eyes that appear to stare into your soul and whisper that in dead r’yleh great c’thulu lies drwaming, Trapinch has stars in his eyes that make him look an X-Factor contestant. However they do share a lot of similarities, namely the overall bodyshape and the huge jaws and the way they behave. An antlion will build a pit with very mathematically defined walls and then sit in the bottom of it like the Sarlaac in Star Wars. Prey wanders into the pit and then finds out it can’t climb out due to the slope, the Antlion then bursts from its hole and pulls its prey back in with it. Trapinches hunt in the same way and their attacks and abilities in the game reflect this.

After three years the antlion turns into this.

Fun fact, for those three years an antlion has no anus and can’t poop until it metamorphoses. And you thought you had it bad waiting in your car for a rest stop.

Now obviously that looks exactly like a Dragonfly or similar creature and so does Vibrava. Well not exactly, vibrava looks like a dreadful cartoony mess of an adult Antlion complete with badly drawn cartoon feet, a poorly designed set of antennae and weird diagonal wings but at least it is recognisably and Antlion adult.

So what’s Flygon?

Hell if I know. Better drawn than Vibrava for a start.

Cacnea and Cacturne

What I love about Cacena is his big happy smile and his flower/crown. He looks like he’s the king of something and deliriously happy about it. Cacturne in contrast posesses neither of these features and so is pretty useless.

Swablu and Altaria

I quite like Altaria’s design here as the clouds do look like wings but could also feasibly be hiding the real wings underneath. Swablu less so since it’s just a parrot’s head with clouds stuck on the side. Overall neither of these are bad though, again I like those Pokemon who replace physical characteristics with an elemental feature and Altaria is a particularly good example of this.

Zangoose

Zangoose is undoubtedly the most badass pokemon ever. Scyther, Absol, Charizard are just straight fronting compared to this guy. Look into those eyes and tell me that that is not the face of a stone cold mother fucker. It’s in the frown, the eyes, the pattern of fur that makes his eyes look scarred, the massive claws and the cool zig zags. Zangoose will straight up wreck a bitch and ain’t nobody gonna stop it.

Seviper

So Seviper is intended to be kind of adversarial with Zangoose as in the wild snakes are often attacked by a Mongoose. But look at this derpy moron. Zangoose is going to straight up wreck his shit, sho nuff!

Lunatone and Solrock

Utter, utter lazy dreck. Its the sun and the moon, with eyes, as rocks. I don’t know what it is but something about this pair just breaks my suspension of disbelief, and yes I know its a game about monsters in tiny balls cock fighting but, I dunno. I buy living rocks that look like rocks but rocks that specifically look like the sun and the moon just seem to be pushing it. And they don’t move or have arms or have any sense that this could be a living thing they just float there. And why is the Sun a rock? Surely, surely it should be a fire type. I could kind of buy that.

Barboach and Whiscash

Earthquake causing fish.

In one of the more bat shit crazy aspects of Japanese mythology earthquakes are said to be caused by giant fish moving around underground and waving their long antennae. Because of course, fish are well known for their love of being underground…

I will never stop loving Japanese mythology and its complete disregard for sense, logic or shame.

So yes in the spirit of that myth they decided to create a Pokemon version of a loach and a catfish, slapped big antennae on them and called it a day. It kind of works, these are just well drawn cartoony versions of real fish but there are some truly wtf aspects, mainly the big W Whiscash has on its head. I think it’s supposed to be a contracted version of the zig-zag stripe on Barboach and I think that zig-zag is supposed to look like a seismograph or a fissure in the ground but when they contracted it that small it just looks like a W. It is a monogram? Does it stand for Whiscash? Is it some kind of crown? Whatever it is it’s distracting and detracts from an otherwise perfectly fine design.

Corphish and Crawdaunt

“So I drew this picture of a cartoony crawfish. I was thinking we could use it in the next Pokemon game”

“I dunno man, we’re going for a more complicated look these days, can’t you add something to it to make it monstery”

“I could just stick a spike on it, that’s always what we’ve done in the past”

“Nah, this is Generation 3, we need something fresh, something bold, something they’ve never seen before”

“Well, call me crazy but I could…nah, nah it would never work”

“Spit it out man, what is it?”

“Well this is Generation 3 yeah?”

“Yes, yes”

“Well I could…”

“Yes?”

“I could….”

“Yes?”

“I could stick three spikes on it”

“…..”

“………”

“GENIUS!”

Baltoy and Claydol

Baltoy and Claydol have one of the more unusual inspirations being directly inspired by stone age Japanese artefacts called Dogu. Check it, you can see the artwork that inspired them below.

Dogu aren’t well understood even now and there is still argument about whether they were toys, some kind of religious figure or, the most likely agreed explanation, some manner of fertility symbol. Nonetheless they’re cool little things and visually unique so they make for a strong visual basis for a Pokemon.

Lileep and Cradily

I have literally no idea what the hell is going on here. Obviously I get that it’s meant to be some kind of prehistoric plant but to my shame I have no idea which one it is so I can’t tell you if it looks even remotely like a real ancient organism. What it does look like is something out of Super Mario Brothers, crossed with black mage from Final Fantasy, crossed with a cup crossed with a tu-tu. I mean what are those pink things? petals? tentacles? dreadlocks? I think for Lileep the bottom part attaches to the ground then it has some kind of flexible neck with the cup at the top and then those petanticolocks grap prey and drag it into the black…face? But then that doesn’t work forCraydily because now the cup is some sort of head armour and the petanticolocks are like its hair and…I just don’t know what the hell I’m looking at here.

Further research indicates they’re likely derived from Crinoids, here’s a Crinoid.

Okay so I can se how that works for Lilleep but I stand by my statements regarding Cradilly


Anorith and Armaldo

Anolith is based on anomalocaris which actually happens to be one of my favourite Cambrian era animals (do you not have one?). Here’s an artist’s reconstruction of one.

As you can see its basically a case for a Butterfree effect here, just a well drawn cartoony verson of a real beast.

The only really distinctive design touch is the patterning on the head which makes it look like it has two red eyes there instead of the eyes on external stalks.

Armaldo is just a complete mess though, loads of disparate elements that don’t form a cohesive whole just an ugly jumbled mess of a pokemon.

Feebas and Milotic

You know how I’ve been praising Gen 3 for originality of designs and not going back to the well again and just copying old concepts. Well that all goes out the window for Feebas and Milotic, also known as a blatant rip off of Magikarp and Gyrados.

Actually that’s not entirely fair, the idea with Magikarp to Gyarados is that the goofy useless monster that can’t attack at all evolves into the consumate raging badass that destroys everything in its path. Its a revenge fantasy, pathetic loser turns into badass and gets revenge on the bullies that picked on him. Instead Feebas and Milotic is the ugly duckling, something ugly turns into something beautiful and gorgeous. Its also intended to take advantage of the new “beauty” mechanic evolving into Milotic when Feebas reached maximum beauty, but that system was such a pain in the ass that they ditched it in every subsequent game and nobody missed it.

Milotic is a decent design, very simple and elegant. It suggests a lot (hair, a red cloak,a high collar) with only a few lines and is refreshingly uncluttered for a Gen 3 design. Its just that it suffers from being a rip off of a concept done better already.

Castform

Another new concept they introduced in Gen 3 was weather and of course any time they introduce a new gaming concept they need a design to be the mascot for it. Thus was born Castform the weather pokemon and the first pokemon design to stem from something abstract, weather. Well okay individual weather is a physical object i.e. rain, clouds, sunshine etc but he’s meant to embody weather as whole. He does this by changing shape to suit the weather he’s in, so in sunshine he becomes a sun, in rain a raindrop on a stormcloud and in a sandstorm he becomes…an ice cream cone?

Because he changes shape they wisely went with a very simple design with elements that would be consistent across all his forms, its a ball, with a cowlick, a burglar mask and boobs. Yes I know its meant to be a cloud but look at those things again. Castform is rocking an impressive rack.

Kecleon

Kecleon is basically just a cartoony chameleon and I’m surprisingly okay with that since Chameleons sound like a designed monster anyway. Long sticky tongues, weird feet that can grib branches, independently swivelling eyes, long rolled up prehensile tails and of course the ability to change their colour. Kecleon doesn’t change his whole colour but the stripe changes colour to match the type of attack it was just hit by so red for fire, blue for water, etc. My only beef is with his sad and grumpy face. Why so depressed Kecleon? Don’t you know that you’re actually pretty awesome.

Shuppet and Banette

Shuppet and Bannette are two ghost pokemon with fairly dull designs (ooh dark coloured wavy shapes, frightening!) based on fairly cool concepts.

I already mentioned Yokai and how it stems from something good being perverted into something malign . Well one Japanese folk belief is that when an object reaches 100 years of age it becomes a Yokai, a living being. An object that has been well looked after will cause no problems but a discarded object or one that has worn out from use will harbour malevolent feelings of revenge towards its former owners. Bannette is a discarded doll brought to life and seeking revenge against the little girl that threw her away. That is an awesome concept and there is so much you can do with it, its such a shame then that Nintendo did none of those things. I got the whole doll backstory entirely from the pokedex because the actual design looks nothing like a doll at all. The only vaguely doll like feature is the zip on the mouth, and that says gimp mask to me more than it does doll. No instead we get a vaguely anthropomorphic dumpy grey sack. Scary.

Shuppet looks much more like the object that inspired it but that isn’t as cool an object. He’s supposed to look like a teru teru bozu a kind of Japanese folk tradition. Here’s a teru teru bozu

As you can see they’re a kind of doll and they already look like a ghost. Japanese children hang these up to control the weather. Strung up like that they ask for sunny weather, hung upside down they invite the rain. Like any other object in Japan they need to be looked after or they risk turning into a yokai. Shuppet (a contraction of shadow and puppet) is a teru teru bozu gone to the dark side and it brings bad weather wherever it travels.

Shuppet does at least look like its inspiration but it is still basically a wavy dark blue sack and not that great a design.

Duskull and Dusclops

Duskull is pretty goth with his skull face and skull back tattoo but has two features that always make me laugh about him. First of all the fold at the back of the body makes it look to my eyes like he has his arms folded behind his back. Secondly his shape makes it look like he has an Elvis style duck’s arse hair cut. Maybe Duskull is the ghost of Elvis, doomed to wander earth eternally and fight for 10 year old kids.

Dusclops is obviously based partly on a cyclops with the one baleful eye but also patlly on mummies, the pose, pattern of lines representing bandages and wavy parts like dust escaping from the bandages all suggest ancient mummy on the loose and seeking destruction. And then it has three massive goofy teeth that completely undercut any sense of menace whatsoever.

Tropius

Tropius is an example of a plant type where they’ve incorporated the plant and animal elements very well. Whereas in previous geenrations we basically got plants with legs and faces or animals with a plant stuck on their head or back here we get something that is demonstrably both plant and animal but more integrated. The neck is the trunk, the leaves are wings, the feet are roots, etc. Best of all it has a banana goatee which is an idea that is pure and simply genius. I despise bananas with every fiber of my being but I would not pass up a banana goatee if I had the chance to grow one.

Chimecho

Chimecho along with Voltorb and few others is part of that rarified group of pokemon designs that are literally “draw a smily face on an inanimate object and call it done.” The stick a horn on it group wishes they were this lazy. Chimecho is a “furin” a kind of Japanese wind chime with a glass bell and a paper strip attached to it that twinkles and rings in the wind. The Japanese associate them with summer and say that hearing the sound of one cools you down in the summer. Below is a furin

Now look back at Chimecho.

Yeah, the designer was just drawing whatever was in his office that day wasn’t he. I’m amazed we haven’t had a paperclip monster yet, unless you count Unoun.

Absol

Absol is, as far as I can tell, not really based on anything. Not a real animal, not a fictional animal, not an inanimate object and not even a pun. There are aspects to the design taken from other sources most prominently that the body is quite dog-like and the head which has half of a yin/yang symbol and then turns the other half into a scythe or horn. But as a whole this is an original design and I think that might actually be a first for pokemon. Absol is also cool as hell. It’s another rare example of streamlined design intended to look cool and badass rather than cute or funny and its full of these weird elements that are just intriguing, like the scythe horn, or the lack of a mouth or the strange tail. Absol is a monster that invites questions, its an engimatic beast indeed. Even the name helps stress this being derived from “absolution” i.e. freeing oneself from guilt. What crimes has Absol committed that it seeks to free itself from?

Wynaut

Wynaut, is the baby form of Wobuffet, which was already an odd duck to begin with. Like all babyforms they’ve upped the cuteness considerably giving Wynaut “kawaii” manga style eyes and a big happy smile. However they’ve also chosen to increase Wobuffet’s multiple head shtick going from two heads to three. Those would be the obvious head with a mouth and eyes and the second head in the tail like Wobuffet has but also a third that kind of looks like a knob on top of the first head. Look at the shape, Wynaut’s first head is the body with the third head on top, two arms/ears and two legs then it’s second head in its tail. I like that idea, they haven’t done something like that since Tentacool but its something that happens in nature all the time and makes for a strong design. I also like Wynaut’s ridiculous pointless squared off arms better when they’re actually ears since ears can be flappy and end in squared off edges wheres arms really shouldn’t.

Snorunt and Glalie

I’ll get it out of the way quickly. I hate Glalie just because I hate on principle those Pokemon that are just a head. A head and arms fine, head and legs fine, some kind of inanimate object posessed by electricity or a ghost fine but Glalie is just a floating hockey mask and nothing more. How does it move? How does it eat, excrete, mate, etc? I don’t exactly want realism but I want something that looks like it could at least move around and not just a, well, a head!

Snorunt is okay though being basically another version of the Namahage monster I showed earlier this time playing up the traditional dress and houses of people living on Hokkaido, the Northern island in Japan.

Spheal, Sealeo and Walrein

Spheal has my vote for cutest pokemon design ever. It’s a ball, a ball of blubber with a face. Imagine the cuddles! It is pure cuddliness personnified!

Also localisation team, well done! Spheal is a pun of which you should be very, very proud.

Sealio and Walrein look more like real world seals and walruses done in a competent cartoony style and that’s all I have to about them.

But Spheal, soooooo cuddly!

Clamperl, Huntail and Gorebyss

Is, is that pokemon wearing a bra?

Its a fish, why the hell is it wearing a bra? Is it a little mermaid reference? Is Gorebyss supposed to be a mermaid? Does it have nipples?

The fish bra, it raises so many questions.

Relicanth

Relicanth is a very dull design based on a very cool fish. It’s basically just a cartoony drawing of a Ceolocanth. Ceolocanth’s have a very interesting history to them, particularly their discovery since for most of human history they were believed to be extinct and were only know for fossils. Then they were rediscovered, almost by accident, alive and well in Indonesia in the 1930’s.

Their discovery caused a huge uproar in scientific circles because the Coelocanth is believed to be the oldest common ancestor between fish and amphibians (although it is alleged that this may be lungfish) and possibly relatives of the first fish to ever walk on land. This is speculated due to the shape of the Coelocanth’s fins which are fleshy and share certain similarities with feet.

There are lot of ideas you could emphasise with a Coelocanth design, the living fossil aspect, the fish that walks aspect, etc but Gamefreak have chosen to just present it as is, evidently feeling that the actual fish is interesting enough that it doesn’t need a further gimmick.

Luvdisc

Luvdisc has to be the most simple Pokemon design, especially in this Generation. Literally a heart shape with eyes and a mouth. Yet it does actually look like this could be a fish with the overall body shape being very fishy. That’s quite a feat to pull off and Luvdisc is a nice design, clever in concept and clean and simple in execution.

Bagon, Shellgon and Salamence

Bagon just looks like a cludge together of some of the worst possible design ideas Gamefreak have evEr had. His ears look bizarre, he has stupid stubby little arms, hooves and some kind of armoured head/hair that looks like a mullet.

and Salamence is just another attempt at doing a western style dragon, only with very badly drawn wings and pointless gen 3 complexity like the plates on his belly, the weird colouring on his neck and his 6 pointed head.

The real joy in this trio though is Shellgon. Now obviously what they’re going for is a cocoon idea and they’ve done that sucessfully many times before. What makes Shellgon different is his angry eyes and tiny little legs. The mental image of a cocoon running around head butting things is just too cute and too hilarious. I love this little guy, he’s like the Scrappy Doo of Pokemon designs.

Shellgon also starts a trend of “why the hell is this a dragon type?” questions. For reference the cocoon that walks like a man above is considered a dragon but all the following are not.

oh Pokemon logic, long may you continue to never make sense.

Beldum, Metang and Metagross

I’m not a fan of Beldum at all because I can’t see how that works as an organism at all. It has no mouth, no limbs, no overall shape to it. It’s a foot with an eye stuck on the end and that’s just stupid.

Obviously the idea is that this is a monster inspired by model kits. Beldum is a foot with a ball joint and you combine it with other parts to get a Metang and finally a Metagross. I kind of like that idea but as an individual Pokemon it just doesn’t work.

Metang looks better since it has a face and limbs but is still a rather dull design.

Metagross though is pure badassery personnified. Look at that thing, look at all the personality and expression it has on a face that consists of just eyes and a big X. He looks angry and worse he looks like he’s coming to get you, and when a giant steel spider is coming after you, you better be scared! The shape of the legs, the pose and the low slung head just all convey power and danger. It’s a great design.

The Three Elemental Golems Regirock, Regice and Registeel

Here we have the three golem pokemon. Golems in Hebraic mythology are men made of clay and animated by holy words who do the bidding of their creator. Golems in Pokemon mythology are elemental tools made by the creator of the land to help him out with constructing it, so Regirock sculpted the rocks, Regice sculpted the glaciers and Registeel sculpted the iron desposits.

That’s a fairly cool idea for some legendary Pokemon and I get where they’re going with the design, these are supposed to be effectively robots, lifeless tools created to do a job, and in a sense the original golems were just magic robots as well. Consequently they don’t really have faces they’re just vaguely humanoid elemental shapes.

But I don’t like the execution at all, they just look boring and the series of dots for a face is just off putting and weird. Regirock is okay since he does look like a rock monster and his design conveys movement and power. Registeel is just dull but Regice is terribad. The other two look like robots, he looks like a bunch of icicles stuck together. He also looks like he’s about to perpetually fall over from his tiny, tiny little spiky feet.

Latias and Latios

Latios and Latias are jets. But unlike most attempts at turning inanimate objects into Pokemon they haven’t just slapped eyes and a face onto an object but rather tried to design a living organism so that it resembles a jet in flight. I mean look at Latias, you can see a head, a neck, arms a body and a tail. That’s a living creature even if it lacks legs. But look at Latios there, the long neck, the swept back V of the wings, the slightly crooked nose at the front. It looks like a stylised Concorde jet in flight.

It’s a neat conceit for a monster and well executed. These two have a really streamlined design and a real sense of speed and motion,

Kyogre

In previous versions of Pokemon all the Legendary Pokemon (i.e. those particularly powerful and rare Pokemon that never breed and that you can only catch one of in each game) were available in every copy. So in Gold and Silver you can catch both Lugia and Ho-Oh. Starting with Ruby and Sapphire that changed so Kyogre is only available in Sapphire and Groudon only available in Ruby. It was a cynical attempt to shift more copies of games since most people are reluctant to trade their legendaries and so players who wanted a complete pokedex would have to actually buy both copies of the game for themselves.

But despite the bad taste in my mouth Kyogre reminds me of how is his actual design?

It’s a Killer Whale with giant hands/fins. And they really do look a lot like hands since they have fingers and most fish (captain birdseye aside) are not in posession of fingers. Of course whales aren’t fish but you get what I mean.

I mean its fine for what it is but it isn’t very inspiring. I think the main problem for me is that with other legendaries you can see their face. Mewtwo, Lugia, Groudon they all have facial expressions and those expressions convey personality. Moreso than regular Pokemon its important for the legendaries to have a sense of personality and motivation and not just look like animals. Kyogre is the lord of all the seas, we should gaze upon his visage and fear it. Instead we get a whale with really big hands.

Groudon

Groudon absolutely shouldn’t work. It’s a dinosaur with tons of added crap basically. It has weird mutton chops, spikes and lines all over it, a rake for a tail and an egg slicer for a head. It should look stupid but somehow the whole comes together. The short, stubby but thick legs and hands convey power. The hunched over posture makes it look angry, like its about to charge off at you and all the angular lines and spikes really sell this as a monster of rock and the earth without it actually having any earth textures per se. I like Groudon a lot, he looks like a typical Japanese Kaiju, like Godzilla or something similar all ready to rock up on land and start destroying Tokyo. Yet he is distinctly his own beast and bears no actual resemblance to any popular kaiju specifically, its more that he has the essence of that kind of design about him.

Rayquaza

Surprisingly we’ve had a lot of Western style dragons (Dragonite, Charizard, Salamence) but not many Asian style dragons. Gyarados is one example and you could argue for Dragonair and Dratini but Rayquaza is undoubtedly an Asian dragon, a long snake like monster with fins, wings, terrible claws and a large horned head.

Although obviously they’ve styled his design to make him a trio with Kyogre, lord of the water, Groudon, lord of the earth and Rayquaza, lord of the sky. The squared off horns and fins echo Groudon’s squared design and the thick black lines on his body are a repeated element across all three designs.

For some reason Rayquaza is actually one of the most popular Pokemon designs but its not an opinion I share. Its a perfectly good design but it doesn’t have an awesome gimmick like Shedinja or a strong hook like Bulbasaur It’s not that badass or that streamlined and it certainly isn’t cute. If I had to hazard a guess I’d just say that a lot of people think Asian dragons are cool and that’s the reason for his appeal.

Jirachi

Jirachi is yet another pokemon whose inspiration isn’t immediately obvious and requires me to go off on a long explanation about some aspect of Japanese culture.

Obviously Jirachi is a star, but more than that it’s a reference to Tanabata, the star festival.

Tanabata is a festival held in various Asian countries but principally in Japan during July over a period of a few days. It celebrates the meeting of the two deities Orihime and Hikoboshi which can be seen in the sky as the stars Vega and Altair.

The myth of Orihime and Hikoboshi is thus (stolen from wikipedia)

“Orihime (織姫 Weaving Princess?), daughter of the Tentei (天帝 Sky King, or the universe itself?), wove beautiful clothes by the bank of the Amanogawa (天の川 Milky Way, lit. “heavenly river”?). Her father loved the cloth that she wove and so she worked very hard every day to weave it. However, Orihime was sad that because of her hard work she could never meet and fall in love with anyone. Concerned about his daughter, Tentei arranged for her to meet Hikoboshi (彦星 Cow Herder Star?) (also referred to as Kengyuu (牽牛?)) who lived and worked on the other side of the Amanogawa. When the two met, they fell instantly in love with each other and married shortly thereafter. However, once married, Orihime no longer would weave cloth for Tentei and Hikoboshi allowed his cows to stray all over Heaven. In anger, Tentei separated the two lovers across the Amanogawa and forbade them to meet. Orihime became despondent at the loss of her husband and asked her father to let them meet again. Tentei was moved by his daughter’s tears and allowed the two to meet on the 7th day of the 7th month if she worked hard and finished her weaving. The first time they tried to meet, however, they found that they could not cross the river because there was no bridge. Orihime cried so much that a flock of magpies came and promised to make a bridge with their wings so that she could cross the river. It is said that if it rains on Tanabata, the magpies cannot come and the two lovers must wait until another year to meet”

So what does any of that have to do with Jirachi? Well Jirachi is more to do with the festival itself than the story. One of the ways Tanabata is celebrated is by writing notes containing wishes, usually in the form of a poem and then attaching them to a wish tree. The wish tree is decorated with these colourful strips of paper and usually other decorations as well and then on the last day of the festival paraded around and then disposed of either by setting it in a river or burning the tree. Different areas in Japan have their own customs but the sight of a wish tree is a strong image of Summer and of Romance in Japan.

Here’s a wishing tree all decorated for you.

See the rectangular strips, those are the same strips Jirachi has hanging from the points on his head.

I like Jirachi a lot actually. Its obviously fulfilling the same role as Mew and Celebi from previous generations i.e. the small “cute” legendary but I think it surpasses both of those. For starters in my own humble opinion its a cuter design and secondly I just find it to have a stronger and more evocative hook.

Deoxys

This generation also introduced the idea of pokemon with multiple forms who could shift appearance and shape and Deoxys is kind of the poster child for that design concept which would crop up more commonly in later games. Unfortunately for me that means I have 4 designs to critique instead of just one.

Why does he shape shift into other forms? Well to know that you’d have to read his fantastically bizarre pokedex entry.

“The DNA of a space virus underwent a sudden mutation upon exposure to a laser beam and resulted in DEOXYS. The crystalline organ on this POKéMON’s chest appears to be its brain.”

This just raises all manner of questions.

Firstly the idea that lasers cause viruses to evolve is so lolwut that we’ll just skip over it. It’s so stupid it doesn’t really warrant further discussion.

But scaling back from that what on earth (well, I guess not on Earth at all actually) is a space virus? A virus by definition exists by replicating in the cells of other living organisms. It can exist outside of a living cell for some time (hence why you get airborne viruses) but in space? Space is big and empty guys and not exactly full of life, what was this virus doing in space in the first place?

It also raises the issue of just what the hell a Pokemon is in the first place. That’s more of a loaded question than you might think.

Obviously a Pokemon is a monster you can catch in a Pokeball and which responds to human commands but beyond that the definition is weird on a number of levels. Nintendo used to say that the defining characteristic of a Pokemon is that all of them share the same DNA despite differing in appearance, thus why they can breed with each other freely. Now Nintendo have moved away from this explanation in recent years presumably because it is so stupid that I could write a 1,000 words purely on just how stupid it is easily. But it begs the question if this virus didn’t have Pokemon DNA, because its a virus, how did it sudden;y get Pokemon DNA? And anyway most viruses have RNA instead of DNA, although obviously Deoxys is the DNA kind since it is named for deoxyribonucleic acid.

Or alternatively are all animals in this world pokemon or are there non pokemon animals? The anime seems to suggest there are non-pokemon animals since the main characters are often shown eating chicken, beef, etc and real world fish are shown swimming around in fish tanks and the like. I’m fine with that and that allows for us to have viruses that aren’t Pokemon, but then this virus became a Pokemon! Can the real animals turn into Pokemon? You might scoff at this but remember in the Pokemon universe evolution happens to individuals not the species so can a cow evolve into a Miltank? What if you fire a laser at it?

I don’t think the designers ever intended to do this but Deoxys just cracks open the whole can of worms on what exactly a Pokemon is and they never really managed to explain it since.

Anyway messed up backstory aside (seriously, a laser!?!) Deoxys is a pretty decent design. Obviously his key design elements are alien, virus and DNA and he’s all themed around mutation and change. He hits all of these elements and the end result is pleasingly coherent. Firstly you’d see him as an alien, the shape of the eyes, the just overall strangeness, etc look very alien and specifically they look like the kind of rubber suited monsters Ultraman would face. Hell, he even looks a little bit like Ultraman. The DNA and mutation stuff is pretty clear too, his arms are double helixes which took me forever to notice but once you do is a really nice idea and obviously he shape shifts because he is mutating, just like a virus.

The overall body shape is odd not looking like any real animal or even that humanoid but actually it does look a lot like electron microscope images of viruses. I’m no virologist so I couldn’t name which one but I have definitely seems virus with similarly pointed regular “heads” and stubby sticking out “legs”.

The forms vary for me. I like the speed and defense forms since they sell the idea of what that form is adapting to do. The speed form is thinner with longer legs and only has 2 arms instead of four. It looks more lightweight and streamlined, hence speedy. The defense form is bigger and bulkier and I particularly like how the head is sunk into the shoulders, it sells defense visually straight away. The attack form however doesn’t sell it, being basically the normal form with a more swept back head and pointy knees. I don’t think I have ever been intimidated by a knee no matter how pointy.

Overall I think Generation 3  may actually have the strongest designs of any game. They’ve moved away from taking an existing animal and sticking a spike on it and have started to bring in more complex and unusual inspirations. Viruses, Dogu, Yokai, the weather, Japanese Festivals. The designs exhibit more variety and really work to sell their underlying gimmicks. There are less boring anthro monsters and less real animals drawn in a cartoony style. It’s a great generation.

On the downside the designs do start to get very complicated and full of unnecessary clutter. They also lose some of the simple iconic power of the original designs. We’re also seeing a creep in Legendary monsters going from 5 in Gen 1 to 6 in Gen 2 to 10 here.

Unfortunately Gen 4 would take the worst lessons from Gen 3 with more complexity and more legendaries but less original ideas and a real sense of doing riffs on older designs.

The second generation of pokemon designs had a lot to live up to. The first 151 designs had been a phenomena, plastered all over everything from cards to lunchboxes, from kid’s pyjamas to planes, yes planes. Pokemon was one of the most successful merchandising franchises of all time and now the pressure was on to do it all over again.  The original game had no pressure at all, it was expected to fail. The Gameboy was an old system about to be replaced by the Gameboy Color, Pokemon was not expected to do much of anything so just turning a profit would have been nice. Nobody expected it to be the hit was, indeed the original game (Green) never made it to America since it was embarrassingly glitchy. Instead once it was clear how much of a success it was in Japan the improved Blue version was put together and that’s what went overseas.

With the second generation however lead designer Ken Sugimori had a huge responsibility on his hands.

Under the circumstances you could forgive the designers for playing it safe, mostly going with the old guard and just adding a few new Pokemon. But no, we got 100 completely new designs. What’s more we also got completely new concepts like baby Pokemon and Pokemon breeding. We also get a shift into a different design aesthetic, the Pokemon designs in this generation straddle a line between the simpler monsters of gen 1 and the more complicated monsters of gen 3.

Gold, Silver and Crystal represent possibly the highlight of the franchise as games. Keeping all the elements that worked from the original they upgraded the graphics, story, music and interfaces. Menu’s were easier to navigate, movement became easier, choosing moves became easier with a summary of what attacks did. They even added two new elements and balanced the over powered psychic types. Every change they made was a considerable improvement and so this game stands head and shoulders above the first.

If I have a criticism of the game, and the designs, it’s the introduction of evolutions for monsters from the previous generation. I’ll get to that more when specific examples arise.

But whilst the games are phenomenal, what about the designs. Well lets have a look.

Chikorita, Bayleef and Meganium

Well, it’s no Bulbasaur.

These three are fine but they demonstrate a laziness in design and a willingness to copy what went before that generally isn’t true of most monsters in Gold and Silver. It’s some kind of generic reptilian monster with a leaf on its head. The plant elements aren’t integrated as well as Bulbasaur and the monster is just generic. Bayleef is the same and also suffers from a terrible name. Meganium works though, the shape of his head and his antenna resemble a stamen and it’s positioned in relation to his flower where a stamen would be a on a real flower. Here we have integration of the plant and the monster, with the others we don’t.

What you’re getting though is a feeling of, that worked before lets do it again. So where Bulbasaur was a reptile with plant bits, we get another reptile with plant bits. Fortunately the other starters are a move away from this.

Cyndaquill, Quilava and Typhlosion

Cyndaquill is a neat little design. Take a hedgehog and replace the spikes with fire, voila, instant monster. He’s also really cute, especially the way his eyes are drawn. Bu then Quilava immediately spoils it by looking nothing like a hedgehog or porcupine and moving the flames so they no longer work as spikes but look more like a tail. I do love his mohawk though. Typhlosion, unfortunately, doesn’t even have the mohawk but is just a generic monster with fire at his collar.

Totodile, Croconaw and Feraligator

Pretty much as generic as they come unfortunately. Anthropomorphic, cartoony crocodiles. They don’t have a strong unified theme or any specific design sense at all. It’s just a well drawn cartoony crocodile. Unfortunately that’s going to apply to a lot of monsters in this generation.

Sentret and Furret

Without a doubt they’re the Rattata of this generation but unlike Rattata they’re not randomly purple! In fact they have sensible markings  and colours, gasp! Considering we got a blue crocodile as the last design that’s something of a surprise. Furrett (the evolution) is dull as dishwater, a cartoony drawing of an ermine/ mink that’s fine (it passes the butterfree test) but is uninteresting. Sentret I like  because it introduces the idea of the animals name, pose and persoanlity all tying in. This is a monster that acts as a sentry, standing on its tail to give it a wider field of vision. At heart this is just a cartoony raccoon but that one change gives it a gimmick to build attacks around and a sense of personality. That’s the kind of thing I want from Pokemon design.

Hoothoot and Noctowl

Again Noctowl (the evolution) is a real owl drawn in a cartoony fashion. I have nothing to say about it at all. Hoothoot however is a winner of a design. Gold and Silver introduced the concept of time in the game, adding monsters that could only be caught in the morning, day or night. Owls, obviously, come out at night. And they’ve tied that idea into hoothoot’s design by turning the feathery eyebrows many owls have into hands on a clock. That turns his whole face into a kind of clock and again grants a gimmick and a personality into what is otherwise just a cutesy drawing of an owl. I also like the whole standing on one leg thing. It’s nicked from flamingos and has nothing to do with owls but it gives him a nice symmetry and an odd alien look.

Ledyba and Ledian

This time around Ledyba is our boring butterfree-esque cartoony ladybug. Ledian instead looks like a power ranger. I don’t know why but the concept of insect themed super heroes punching people properly amuses me so Ledian is a winner in my book.

Spinarak and Ariados

Our first two examples of “stick a horn on it” design showing the finest traditions of lazy design are alive and well into the next generation. I will give props to Spinarak for the hilarious frowny face markings, well done.

Crobat

Zubat and Golbat are probably my two most hated monsters from the original games. Moreso for how freaking annoying they are in the game but also partly because the designs look more like doodles than a real creature. So it pains me to say this but Crobat is pretty good. Both in game terms and in design. The head and body look like something a real creature might have. Sure it lacks a neck but you can kind of tell where its head ends and its body begins, whereas Golbat just looked like a mouth with wings. Also the addition of the extra set of wings just gave it enough to make it look alien, different and visually interesting.

Chinchou and Lanturn

This is my third draft of this post and I still haven’t come up with anything interesting to say about either of these.

Pichu

And here we get to the baby Pokemon.

Gold and Silver introduced the concept of eggs. Pokemon could breed with each other (even with another species of Pokemon which is kinky as all get out) and in so doing would lay an egg. Most would hatch into the lowest possible evolution of that monster, so breed two Venusaurs and you get a Bulbasaur, breed two Meganiums and get a Chikorita and so on. Baby Pokemon are monsters only obtainable by breeding, not something you can catch in the wild.  Hence we get Pichu, the baby form of Pikachu. All the baby forms are designed to be cute, being, well, babies. Thus they have more soft edges, big soulful eyes, large heads in proportion to their bodies and no fangs, claws or other dangerous elements. Pichu as a ctuesified version of Pikachu works well. On his own the design falls flat lacking the lightning motifs of the shock rat and not looking like the real animal it is meant to resemble. But as an infant form of Pikachu it looks spot on.

Cleffa and Igglybuff

2 more utterly adorable baby forms. Cleffa is pretty cute and I love the star motif but Igglybuff is adorable! Mostly because that is the happiest looking Pokemon I have ever seen, look at his face! He looks so excited to see you. He’s like a 5 year old kid at christmas. Also Igglybuff is the most adorable word in existence. Just saying it makes you sound like a baby. Try it, try it now. See, I told you. You sounded like a baby and it put a smile on your face didn’t it?

Togepi and Togetic

As Pikachu was to Gen 1 they tried to make Togepi to Gen 2. This is the guy who became the icon for this generation. What did this generation introduce? Eggs? Well then here’s a walking egg.  It’s a strong concept actually and much better executed than Exxegcute since, well it actually looks like an egg shell he has there. Plus the idea of an infant monster still wearing its shell is kind of cool and it gives Togepi, what’s the magic word, personality. We’re also amping up the cute here with his happy face huge head and stubby limbs.

Togetic I can’t make head nor tail of though. The body is a lump, the legs and arms are still stumps but now what was the body in the previous evolution has been stretched out on a long neck and made into a head. It looks like a gangly teenager. Togetic, like a child actor, was best when he was small and cute and is now downright annoying since puberty has struck hard and struck fast.

Natu and Xatu

 

Named for Atu, the Samoan version of Adam or the first man in their mythology. Xatu, the evolved form, obviously looks like a totem pole, which is slightly confusing to me because as far as I know Samoans don’t build totem poles, but then what do I know. These are both very distinctive and striking designs with a lot more complexity than we usually see in Pokemon designs, at least in Gen 1 and 2 and they foreshadow the switch to a more complicated design aesthetic we’ll get next generation.

Mareep, Flaafy and Ampharos

Mareep and Flaafy I get. It’s a sheep, and what’s an evolved sheep? A sheep that has been shorn. The electric typing is a nice gimmick too, the idea being that it builds up static in it’s coat and then releases it as electric bolts. Overall these two pass the Butterfree test. Whilst not having an amazing concept they’re strongly executed cartoony versions of real animals.

Ampharos though, I don’t get at all. Since when does a sheep evolve into a giraffe? Because that’s what it looks like, a giraffe. I actually grew up around lots of sheep and I don’t recall seeing one Giraffe on the Yorkshire Dales. Although you can see a lot of llamas, but that’s another story. Actually Ampharos isn’t supposed to be a sheep at all but a Pharaoh, which, I guess I can kind of see but it’s very subtle. And what the hell do Pharaohs have to do with electricity or Sheep? Sheep aren’t even native to Egypt are they. Cows and Goats yes but you don’t get Sheep in such a hot climate. I guess that’s why all the wool has fallen off.

Bellossom

Bellossom is the first of a very, very bad trend in Pokemon design. Final evolutions for Pokemon from a previous game. By this I mean Pokemon that did not have a final evolution, or already have a final evolution in their last generation getting a new one in the current generation requiring some kind of item to activate it. In this case a sun stone. My problem with this is that it requires you to get Pokemon from the last game, and trading from older games is a bitch (less so now but it used to be horrendous.). This is less annoying in Gold and Silver since all the Pokemon you need to catch to get the new Evolutions are available in Gold and Silver but it will be a real problem in later games.

That aside Bellossom is fine. I love the fact that she looks like a hula girl. It’s a nice integration of monster and flower elements and it’s colourful. Considering Gold and Silver was the first game to be in colour you’d think more designs would use colour this strikingly.

Marill and Azumarill

Marill looks like a buoy crossed with a mouse. It’s kind of the Pikachu of this generation being a cute mousey animal design crossed with a strong elemental theme. Not much to say there. Azumarill however makes no sense, it doesn’t look like a buoy any more but instead a ball with rabbit ears. Because when I think of the beach I think of rabbits.

Sudowoodo

Sudowoodo is awesome. Firstly it looks like a sculpted Japanese cedar and that’s awesome. Secondly it has a face that’s so goofy it circles past stupid and goes straight back to awesome. Thirdly it kind of looks like a dick and balls with its two branches being the balls and the body being the dick. I didn’t see it myself at first but the first time I whipped Sudowoodo out whilst battling my girlfriend she burst into laughter at the cock monster I had just unveiled. Finally my favourite thing about Sudowoodo is that it isn’t a tree. It’s made of rock and only looks like a tree to confuse people. That’s an amazing concept for a pokemon. Sudowoodo, the lying rock hard tree cock monster.

Politoed

Politoed is another alternate final evolution, this time instead of Poliwrath. Unlike Poliwhirl and Poliwrath it actually looks like a frog, a frog with a coat hanger attached to its head. The curled hair is actually a reference to a Japanese myth about the king of frogs so I’ll let it slide but frog with coat hanger is not exactly an evocative design.

Hoppip, Skiploom and Jumpluff.

The prize for this trio goes to the localisation team and the awesome names. Hop, Skip and Jump, nice pun guys. I also like how the evolution mirrors the growth of a dandelion, from leaves, to a flower, to a ball of seeds. The actual monster itself is not especially well thought out being essentially a ball with ears, and in the final evolution not even having those. Oh and dead soulless eyes that stare  into you and speak of the endless void at the heart of the universe. Honestly, look at Hoppip’s face. He might be smiling but he’s dead inside.

Aipom

It’s a monkey with a hand on its tail. And two tiny useless arms. The tail would be a useful adaptation, much like the prehensile tails many real world monkey species have, if only nature hadn’t cruelly mocked it with such useless stubby appendages. How can it play the violin like this! In fact the pokedex entry even draws attention to this.

“It lives high among the treetops. It can use its tail as freely and cleverly as its hands.”

What hands? The only thing those little stubs can be used for is interpretive dance.

All kidding aside I like gimmick designs and this one goes  step further by not just grafting a gimmick (powerful tail based attacks) onto a generic monster but instead a cartoon monkey.

Sunkern, and Sunflora

Wow, you worked long and hard on those names didn’t you localisation team. I bet it took you all of, oh, 5 minutes to turn sunflower into sunflora. That’s almost as long as it took the designer to crap out a drawing a sunflower with a smiley face.

Yanma

Yanma has an even worse name since they didn’t even bother to come up with one. Yanma is literally the Japanese for dragonfly. If you’re going to be this lazy why bother even coming up with English names?

Wooper and Quagsire

For years I had no idea what the hell Wooper and Quagsire were meant to be except that Quagsire was some kind of newt and Wooper for some reason had TV antennae sticking out of its head.

Then I moved to Japan. And in every science classroom in every school I worked in there was one of these.

I have no idea what the English name is but in Japanese that is known as an Upa Rupa. And the awesome corona of blood read around its head is its gills. The reason they’re in every science classroom is to show kids how gill structures work as these are one of the few animals on earth with external gill structures.

Even more awesomely Quagsire turned out be a Pokemon version of this guy.

That’s the Japanese Giant Salamander, the largest amphibian on earth. Native to Japan and China these are incredibly rare animals who live very quiet and sedentary lives never straying far from the streams and cave mouths they live in. They have no gills but live their lives entirely in water only breaching the surface to take a breath. They can grow up to 5 feet in length and live for up to 80 years! Not facts I often associate with salamanders.

Wooper and Quagsire are nowhere near as cool as the animals they’re inspired by but they work as strong designs just by being based on such weird creatures.

Espeon and Umbreon

2 more evolutions of Eevee, the weird squirrel dog that can evolve into pokemon of a different elemental type much like you can breed dogs into all manner of shapes and sizes. And apparently breed them into a cat. I mean seriously guys, Espeon is a cat. It has a tail like a cat (well except for the prong thing) ears like a cat and a face like a cat. I get what they were going for, Umbreon and Espeon are opposites. One is night the other day, one psychic the other dark and one a dog, the other a cat. But its weird that all the other Eevee forms are clearly dogs and Espeon so clearly isn’t.

Murkrow

Murkrow is a crow with a witches hat for a head. That is pokemon design perfection. We’ve got a recognisable real animal done in a cartoony style but adding one strong element that gives it personality, implies its powers and attacks and marks it out as clearly a fantasy creature. I love me some Murkrow.

Slowking

Another alternate final evolution, this time for Slowpoke. If the Shellder bites the Slowpoke’s head instead of its tail that Slowpoke gains a fancy hat and ruff and becomes super intelligent. Although that super intelligence disappears if it loses its hat. I love that. I love that Slowpoke, the poster child for stupid monsters turns into a idiot savant with the addition of a poisonous clam hat. That’s such a completely ridiculous idea that it becomes a sort of anti-genius. And the hand clasped behind its back pose just tops it all wonderfully.

Misdreavus

A generic ghost with a nice necklace. Meh.

Unoun

Unoun is actually one pokemon with 26 different possible forms, and if you think I’m going to upload all 26 possible forms then I’m sorry but no, not going to happen. Those 26 forms make up an ancient alphabet and there is a mini-game in Gold and Silver where you have to catch all the forms of Unoun to decipher the alphabet. I like the alphabet idea and it is kind of cool to have some sort of eldritch monster tied into the ancient past and the key to unlocking ancient secrets but the execution of the design is very disappointing.  We basically have an eye and some lines. There’s minimalism and then there’s drawing a load of squiggles and passing it off as a monster. I usually like my Pokemon to look a bit more like viable creatures not a floating eye and some squiggles.

Wobuffet

Wobuffet is the pokemon version of those punching toys you got as a kid. Basically a giant balloon with a weight at the bottom that when you hit it would bounce back up again to be hit some more. That’s a brilliant gimmick for a monster and this is about as well executed as you could ask for. It looks something like a real creature that could potentially exist and considering the starting point for the design that’s a big achievement. What is weird though is the tail with eyes, although the pokdedex implies that Wobuffet’s real brain lies in its tail and that’s why it can be struck in its head/body so easily. The only goofy part of the design for me is that pose makes it look like he’s holding up his useless squared off limbs and screaming “why god, why, why curse me with no feet and useless arms?!”

Giraffarig

Hats off to the naming guys here, It’s a two headed monster so they went ahead and gave it a palindromic name. A palindrome is a word that reads the same forwards as backwards and here we have a monster that you can’t tell if it is coming or going. Well you can, since the tail brain is differently shaped but you get the idea.

Pineco and Forretress

Yup, that’s a pinecone with eyes and a…what the fuck is that thing meant to be anyway? It looks like some kind of robot defense drone in a sci-fi game, what does that have to do with pinecones?

Dunsparce

Poor, poor derpy dunsparce. I don’t use the word retarded for comedy because I know it offends but, c’mon, look at this guys face. He definitely needs a ride on the special bus. He is the living embodiment of derp. I don’t even know what to say about this guy other than that he looks ridiculous and useless and I feel sorry for him and his tiny stubby wings. I sort of want to cuddle the poor useless little grub. It’s okay Dunsparce, you may be goofy as all get out but I still loves ya.

Gligar

What’s more terrifying that a scorpion? A flying scorpion! Woah, guys that might actually be too scary for the kids. Better give him a ridiculous goofy expression, make him stick out his tongue or something.

Seriously though Gligar is a scoprion bat, I point that out because actually there’s not many pokemon that are a combination of two different real world animals despite it being such an obvious design idea.

Steelix

For some reason Steelix doesn’t bother me as much as Onix despite them having much of the same problems. I guess its because the drawing makes the individual segments look more connected to each other and makes it look  more like an actual snake. The new head shape is cooler and much improved on onix as well.

Snubbul and Granbull

Snubbul is a bulldog in a dress. Granbull may look slightly more bad ass (bad assness offset by his lovely lavender hue though) but Snubbul is a bulldog in a pink and blue spotty dress. I can’t begin to imagine who thought this was a good idea.

Qwillfish

Well executed cartoony blowfish. The only thing to note is his hilariously pissed of expression. It’s like when a 5 year old looks mad and somehow adorable at the same time. Qwillfish used pout, it’s not very effective.

Scizor

This metal coated evolution of Scyhter has a worse name and loses the cool scythe hands but is still a strong design. The smoothed lines and red colours make him look like something out of Kannen Rider or a Power Ranger. You get a lot of cute pokemon designs and a lot of cartoony ones but very few that look so sleek and dangerous as this.

Shuckle

Shuckle is a rock with what I think are supposed to be legs. Are you sure this is a design guys? Because I think the designer might have just been idly doodling and it was used in the game by mistake.

Herracross

On the topic of Kanen rider we get an anthropomorphic stag beetle ( a kabuto in Japanese) that looks like it could be a kanen rider villain with only a few changes to make it grosser and more organic.

Sneasel

I don’t know what this is. Weasels don’t have claws like this and have longer bodies so it doesn’t look remotely like a weasel. And it appears to have feathers despite being generally mammalian. It’s kind of a cool design, sleek and dangerous with a facical expression that shows an emotion other than goofy indifference or inane grinning but I have no idea what the animal or theme here is at all.

Teddiursa and Ursaring

Guys you just drew a bear. You forgot to turn it into a Pokemon. No, no sorry adding a ring to its tummy and weird fronds on its arm doesn’t count. At least stick a horn on it or something.

Slugma and Magcargo

What would a magma slug evolve into? A magma slug with a rock shell to make a magma/rock snail. I love logical evolutions like this. I don’t have much to say about the design itself except that its a neat concept well executed.

Swinub and Piloswine

In contrast I don’t get this evolution at all. Swinub basically looks like a hedgehog or a hamster or some small rodenty thing. Maybe a lemming because of the colouration. Whereas Piloswine is a yak/mammoth cross? I’m not following the connection between lemming and yak guys except for living in cold environments. Also are eyes at a premium now? Did we use them all up drawing the Unouns so there are no eyes to spare for Swinub?

Corsola

Corsola, because when I think of battling monsters, I think of coral. You know, the animal that spends it’s entire life encase immmobile in a piece of rock growing like a plant. Well known for being badass.

That is kind of unfair considering there are plenty of plant and rock pokemon but there is something about coral that just seems so passive and wimpy. Corsola is a fine execution of a fairly naff idea.

Remoraid and Octillery

Okay now they’re just pissing about.

How is Octillery an evolution of Remoraid? HOW?!!! One is a fish and the other is a friggin octopus. There is literally nothing in common, they share not one common feature. Shape, colour, style of eye, number of limbs. FISH DON’T TURN INTO OCTOPUSES! This is just…I don’t even….it just makes no sense whatsoever.

Individually they aren’t too bad, remoraid is a remora with a horn stuck on it (keeping it original pokemon) and octillery is an octopus with 4 tentacles which, well okay that’s kind of stupid too but….but I just can’t get over the fact that Octillery is Remoraid’s evolution. Why?

Delibird

It’s Santa Claus the Pokemon. This is a pretty damn awesome design actually, it looks like a penguin, it looks like Santa but the Santa elements are subtly incorporated so it still looks something like a bird that could exist. We’ve got North Pole and South Pole joining together in perfect harmony here.

Mantine

Mantine’s best design feature is the tiny Remoraid swimming underneath it. Hey you know what would have made more sense. If Remoraid evolved into Mantine. It would still be stupid but it would make a hell of a lot more sense.

Skarmory

A bird made of steel is a pretty awesome idea for a Pokemon. So much so that when I was a kid inventing my own Pokemon it was one of the first original concepts I came up with. Unfortunately the execution suuuuuuuuucks. Lets start with the head, first of all it has some kinf of weird split head thing going with a separate top and bottom half as if it’s entire skull is beak. That’s just weird and offputting. Then it has a horn on its head, which, sigh, is lazy in the extreme. It has teeth in its beak which is stupid. Its wings…don’t look like wings, they stick out at a weird angle and just look ike a load of razors slapped on the side. Its tail looks like the can opening attachment on a swiss army knife was rammed into its bottom and overall it doesn’t look sleek and swift and cool like it should but fat and dopey with a body shape like a pear. So much wasted potential.

Houndour and Houndoom

Houndour and Houndoom suddenly take a turn for the dark. I mean Houndoom is literally a satanic hellhound complete with forked tail, rib cage, skull necklace and horns, and it breathes fire. And in another good use of colouring the colouration makes them look like rottweilers the second most satanic of all dogs (the first being poodles). 2 strong designs here.

Kingdra

Kingdra has muttonchop wings and otherwise nothing else worth discussing.

Phanphy and Donphan

Phanphy and Donphan. Phanphy is just adorable, completely and utterly squee in every way shape and form. The cutest feature by far is the pose which suggests some kind of adorable stumbling waddle like many baby animals have. Cuteness personified. In contrast Donphan looks intimidating as hell. It’s basically a cross between an elephant and a road tire but the squat lowered profile gives it this sense of bulk.

Porygon 2

Whereas the original porygon was blocky and made of regular shapes this one is smoother and rounder but is otherwise the exact same design. And that’s a brilliant idea for the computer program referencing how improved computer graphics have gone from simple blocky designs to gradually smoother and more realistic ones. I like the name too which has a real artificial sense.

Stantler

I know stantler’s antlers are supposed to look like eyes but all I see are two fish swimming into its head.

Smeargle

Smeargle is an example of a gimmick pokemon done right. The gimmick is that the tail becomes a paintbrush but the shape of the head suggesting a beret and the stripes just add so much more and really sell it as the artist pokemon.

Little do we now that it is all a scam as smeargle is actually the perfect date rapist.

Tyrogue and Hitmonchan

Tyrogue is yet another boring anthro-fighting type with no themed features, except possibly the athletic supports on the arms. Hitmochan is decently executed gimmick pokemon (he does capoeira so he fights on his head) but again is generally a dull anthro monster. Tyrogue is named for Mike Tyson despite not being a boxer and Hitmonchan is named for Jackie Chan despite Jackie Chan not practising Capoeira. Well it makes as much sense as naming a boxer after Jackie Chan I suppose.

Smoochums

Smoochums

*appluads* well done Japan your perversion has extended to pokemon. You actually made a sexy baby.

A sexy baby.

I mean, look at it, look at the pose. The hands on hips, the coquettish head tilt, the name Smoochums? This monster is trying to seduce you.

AND ITS IN A DIAPER FOR DECENCY’S SAKE.

And they know this is wrong, you know how they know this is wrong? Because it’s the baby form of the racist blackface pokemon from the first game. You think they made the sexy baby and the racist monster linked by mistake? No, at this point they’re deliberately trying to fuck with people. This Pokemon is a big middle finger from the design team. It practically screams, “come on, call us out on this, we dare you.”

Elekid

Whilst I despise Electabuzz I LOVE Elekid. I love everything about this design. I love the expression on his face, he looks bad ass like he’s ticked and someone’s going to pay. But he’s so cute and small that his expression becomes adorable. And his theming WORKS. the random line are reduced so you can actually make out the lightning bolt, and his ears make him look like an electric plug. It’s an awesome little design and vastly superior to his evolution.

Magby

This on the other hand is still a fire duck, and I still hate it.

Miltank

Miltank is a big pink anthro cow, and that is fine. What makes it weird is that a lot of miltank’s attacks are love/attraction based, causing other Pokemon to fall in love with her. That combined with very visible teats and the pink colouring makes me think that somebody somewhere in the design team has a cow fetish they’re working through. Good luck with sorting that out guy but please stop inflicting your fetishes on us.

Blissey

I described Chancey, the monster Blissey evolves from as a fetish for someone since it was a pink nurse carrying an egg and it gave me creepy nurse fetish vibes. Here they’ve added a skirt and poofier hair which kind of confirms my suspicions as far as I’m concerned.

The Three Legendary Dogs, Raikou, Entei and Suicine


Whilst these are three very cool designs I don’t like them as much as the thee legendary birds for a variety of reasons.

First these are really complicated and cluttered designs. All of them have a headcrfest and some kind of muzzle feature, a back/hair/mane thing, a tail and markings on their fur as well as the bodyshape, fur and overall colour. That’s a lot of disparate elements and in my mind it makes them look busy.

Secondly the themes aren’t as strong. So Suicine is ice themed, hence the icicle on its head and the ice markings, so what does the big purple mane represent? Similarly Entei is volcano themed hence the smoke tail and fire head crest, but what are his jagged wing tuft things?

Finally I hate them for how they’re caught in the game. Unlike the legendary birds who stay in one spot until you meet them and catch them these three roam the continent and you encounter them randomly, and then when you encounter them they immediately run away making them bastard hard to catch. It would be fine if they stayed and fought but instead they flee constantly so you either need to constantly have a monster with the ability to stop them fleeing at the head of your team or be really, really, lucky with your ultra balls.

Larvitar, Pupitar and Tyrannitar.

Just look at how pissed off Larvitar is, for something so adorable it sure is badass.

I don’t really get what’s going on with these three. They have a lot of shared elements but the elements appear to be meaningless. They have these weird cut out bits which signify…something? They all have this ribbed section in their chest which signifies…something? And they’re all spiky which signifies…spikes. It’s supposed to be a rock dinosaur but nothing about it says rock or mountain at all to me.

Lugia

Lugia is awesome. As well as being sleek, slick and streamlined he just has a few oddly compelling features. Like his hand wings. The way they’re designed they’re clearly hands with four fingers and  a thumb but in certain other poses swept behind Lugia they look just like wingtips. I don’t know what is going on with the back spikes though.

I also have to say I love this pose, it looks like he’s going “hey wobuffet, check out these hands! Betcha wish you had a pair of hands like this doncha. I’m not even supposed to have hands, I’m a bird! Ha, ha, loser”

Ho-Oh

Other than being named after the noise Snoop Dogg makes when being suprised by a lady (Ho? Oh!) I have little to say. Somebody just straight up drew a crane here, and then gave it a stupid hair cut. And if stupid hair cuts count as pokemon design we’re going to have to start including pop stars in these lists.

It is also thus far the only pokemon with a hyphen in its name.

Celebi

Celebi is this generations Mew, the pokemon only obtainable at a Nintendo event. Celebi is supposed to be a Pokemon empowered by time and capable of time travel, so of course to represent that they made…an onion fairy. They had quite a lot of options to represent time, stars, clocks, the sun and moon, a blue phone box. But instead they went for an onion, with wings.

I… don’t get it.

CONCLUSIONS

Gold and Silver is the generation of evolutions that either make no sense (Remoraid to Octillery) or are a downstep from the previous strong design (Hoothoot to Noctowl). It’s also the generation that introduced more cartoony animals (Ursaring) and less gimmick monsters and abstract monsters. In fact there’s a general move away from theme all together, the Tyrannitar monsters, Celebi and Ursaring are all examples of okay designs without a strong theme in the design at all. We’re also getting a lot more complicated designs. The one change for the better for me is less anthro monsters, the use of animals as the basis even for gimmick monsters just makes for stronger design overall in my opinion. I also like the baby monsters even if they are part of a larger problem of adding evolutions to older designs.

After a long hiatus welcome folks to Mummyboon. This site originated as a place for me to describe my life in Japan, post photos and tell stories about the things I did, places I went and foods I ate. Since coming to the U.K. I have been much poorer and have travelled to less interesting places and eaten much less interesting things.

As such the site has now morphed into a place where I intend to write about anything and everything that strikes my fancy, that might be short stories, review of comics or computer games, or humorous list features. Mostly it just exists as a place to practice my writing and develop my craft, if anyone other than family members and friends stumbles across my work, well then that’s a bonus.

My opening salvo in the resurrected Mummyboon is a feature reviewing the weird and wondrous designs of pokemon, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! Yes, all 649! I must be stupid.

Pokemon should require no explanation at this stage, and if it does, well you know where wikipedia is.  But seriously pokemon might just be the most merchandised product on the planet, there is a pokemon version of everything, from the expected like computer games and anime, to the obvious spin offs like pencils, backpacks and pencil shapes to the frankly mind boggling like a plane and a special train. Yes, there is a pokemon airplane, gaze upon its majesty.

What has made pokemon so popular? Hell if I know. However, one reason is definitely the strong design sense of the monsters themselves. Unlike similar games like digimon or monster rancher pokemon don’t differ in art styles or design aesthetic, they all look like they belong to the same world rather than an individually strongly designed set of monsters that clash when put together. Also whilst a lot of pokemon designs consists of taking an animal or everyday item and producing a cartoony version of it plenty of the designs exhibit a spark of originality that really elevates them. Often this is a pun or gimmick that gives the monster not just a design but suggests a personality a way it acts and thinks.

Full disclosure, this is kind of blatantly stolen from Chris vs Pokemon over at the wonderful the ISB by Chris Sims. I loved those occasional forays into commenting on the bizarre inventinve genius of pokemon designs and its a shame that the feature, like most of the non comics related content Chris Sims used to write, seems to have gone the way of the dinos. It’s also partly a reaction to all the bitching and moaning people have been doing ever since Black and White came out about the quality of the designs in this generation. People have called them everything from lame, uninspired, unoriginal, pointlessly busy and oddly bizarre. Frankly I feel that’s just nostalgia talking. The original 151 pokemon designs were far from perfect and included a few massive clunkers and some unoriginal entries as well as some moments of pure genius. This series is a tribute to pokemon in all their weird, wonderful and occasionaly horrendously designed glory.

Bulbasaur, Ivysaur and Venusaur 

Bulbasaur’s pokedex entry is 001, he is the first pokemon ever recorded and frankly they got it right first time and have never improved since. He’s just a perfect little monster and a perfect statement of itnent for pokemon. He’s a part plant dinosaur monster. Nowadays we’re all kind of used to the idea that you can have part vegetable monsters running around shooting leaves at each other but at the time this was a pretty original idea. Not wholly original but certainly different. If you were tasked to come up with an aggressive beasty for a fighting monster game would you think flower bulbs? His design is perfectly balanced not overpowering the flower bits or the dinosaur bits, they work in equal harmony and he just has an aesthetically pleasing simple confident design. Plus I have to give props to the localisation team for the name. Bulbasaur is obviously a portmanteau of bulb and dinosaur but it also contains the word bulbous referring to this guys cute fat tubby cheeks. Look at that face! Couldn’t you just eat it up with a spoon.
 
Ivysaur kind of works, he’s a teenaged bulbasaur, the bulb unfolds to show a flower which is a logical progression and the body looks older and more vicious. The name is less inventive but again a logical progression.
 
But Venusaur, damn Venusaur puberty hit you hard.

Firstly what is wrong with your head, whereas the other two evolutions look cute you got whacked by every branch when you fell out of the ugly tree. It’s also waaaay bigger in proportion to the rest of the body than the other two forms. Similarly the flower looks dinky and also the final evolution of the flower just looks ugly and lame too. A big ugly disappointment here.

Charmander, Charmeleon and Charizard

Charmander was always a popular one amongst kids growing up but looking back with the eyes of an adult there isn’t much going on here. It’s a gecko, stood up, with its tail on fire. The only original feature here is the flaming tail which is admittedly a cool idea but they do it better in the same generation with Ponyta. And the name isn’t clever either.

Charmeleon fairs much better with a sleek cool and dangerous design although if you ask me Nintendo missed a trick by not adding fire to the other pointy bits.

Charizard is by far the best of this trio though. It’s not gonna win any points for originality but hey, you can’t go wrong with a classic western style dragon, and it feels like a logical progression from the other two forms too. Charizard is just pure badass through and through.

Also how weird is it that this guy above is considered a dragon but Charizard is not.

Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

    

Squirtle again is not gonna win any points for originality. It’s a turtle, stood up, and blue. Sigh. It doesn’t even have a cool elemental feature like charmander did but instead a wussy little weird tail thing. I will give points to the localisation team for a good name here though as squirtle is not only the obvious squirt + turtle portmanteau but also that tail kind of looks like a squirrel tail too.

Wartortle however is just a mess. What on earth is going on with ear things, or that tail. What do they represent? I guess I can kind of see the tail being a wave but it doesn’t work at all. Nor does the name, I can see that they mean you to read it as water but for me it always evokes war and what does that have to do with anything?!

Blastoise is kind of a cool design on his own but fails as an evolution of the previous too. Even his name is different with the other two being turtles and him a tortoise. The only unifying element between squirtle and wartortle is the watery tail thing, which Blastoise doesn’t have, instead he has water cannons. Admittedly the water cannons are infinitely cooler so Blastoise gets a pass.

Caterpie, Metapod and Butterfree

Caterpie is possibly the worst drawing of a caterpillar I have ever seen. Why is it 4 legged? Why does it have a tv antenna stuck on its head? Is it digitally enabled or will it stop working once the digital switch over starts?

Metapod not exactly the most dyanmic or inspiring of pokemon and mostly loved by pokefans everywhere for learning the move harden. Cue a million immature 10 years olds naming their pokemon penis so they can read “penis used harden”. I’ll warn everyone right now incidentally, I promise no maturity whatsoever in these reviews.

Butterfree is actually one of my all time faves less so for the design than the role it plays in the games. Early on it learns a turn of useful moves including some psychic attacks so for the first 2 – 3 gyms its actually a bit of a powerhouse. It stops working in the middle of the game though. The design is quite cool though, simple and clean, something Gen 1 pokemon have in spades and that gets abandoned later on. Butterfree is quite easy for kids to draw and looks enough like a butterfly whilst also being a dstinct somewhat alien creature. That is the essence of good pokemon design, can I draw it and can I tell what animal its supposed to be.

Weedle, Kakuna and Beedrill

Weedle belongs to the “stick a horn on it” school of pokemon design. This school has a simple design ethos. Follow the three step plan and you two can make a pokemon. Step 1. take an existing animal. Step 2. Stick a horn on it. Step 3. Profit.

Kakuna everything I said about Metapod except somehow Kakuna looks kind of badass, or possibly like a strressed out Japanese salaryman.

Beedrill is awesome sauce. Again everything I said about butterfree applies, simple design easy to copy but very much it’s own creature, primarily because of the sting arms which are just cool.

Pidgey, Pigeotto and Pidgeot

  

Lazy lazy lazy lazy. Lazy name and lazy design.

Pidgeot and Pidgeotto more of the same really, I’m including the two together because they have the wrong names. Surely everyone can see that the porgression should go pidgey, pidgeot, pidgeotto. In fact they make this mistake in the anime dub constantly. Who made this mistake and were they fired for it? Also I love pidgeot’s hair, that do is slick.

Rattata and Ratticate

I don’t think anybody likes rattata, It’s function in the games is purely and simply to be annoying. Nobody uses them in fights they just exist like the vermin they’re based on. About the only value they represent to the world is for easy xp at the start of the game and easy catches for if you’re trying to get all three starters through trades. Oh and they’re purple, because…..because fuck it why not. That counts as originality right? If we just take an existing animal and make it a different colour that should be fine right? Hmmmmm, maybe we should stick a horn on it to be certain.

Ratticate in contrast  is not just worthless but ugly. Ugly and with a stupid face.

Spearow and Fearow

Spearow, its pidgey but not cute and so similar that why even bother?

Oh because it has this…thing as an evolution. What is fearow meant to be? The crest on its head makes it look like some kind of angry vengeful rooster only the rest of the body doesn’t match that at all. Also Fearow is definitely a 3 in the morning, deadline tomorrow, fuck it this’ll do effort from the localisation team. Spearow is a sparrow + spear portmanteau but Fearow doesn’t work at all.

Ekans and Arbok

Ekans is snake backward, that is literally the only interesting thing about this pokemon. They didn’t even stick a horn on it.

And Arbok is Kobra backwards, but they already did that joke once so Arbok is somehow worse.

Pikachu

Pikachu…

where do you start

I have a very much love hate relationship with Pikachu. Obviously as the mascot for the games I have a lot of affection for the little guy, he stands for pokemon and as I have a lot of love for these games that extends to Pikachu. But he is also so freakin’ annoying. The voice is annoying, the fact that he’s EVERYWHERE is annoying and oh don’t get me started on how annoying he is in Smash Bros. The shock rat is practically banned when I play Smash Bros.

But, taken at face value you can see why they picked him to be the mascot. It’s a very strong and very original design. He’s based on an animal but an obscure one, a Pika actually (not a mouse) and he’s really really cute. Pika as well as being an animal is also the Japanese onomatopeia for electricity sparking so of course they incorporated electric elements like the colour and lightning bolt tail. And these are incorporated organically rather than just being bolted on. The design is clean and simple and again, easy to draw. It’s a good strong design with a neat premise and a good punning name.

But he’s banned from Smash Bros, unless we mute the irritating git.

Also check out pikachu in the original games and now.

Man Pikachu lost a lot of weight, I’m slightly concerned he’s developed an eating disorder since becoming famous. Expect him to check in the Betty Ford clinic any day now.

Raichu

Pikachu’s electric motifs are incorporated subtly and organically into the monster design. Raichu…not so much. They basically took Pikachu painted him orange and then slapped lightning bolts wherever they had the space. This looks like a first draft of pikachu before they worked out the kinks.

Sandshrew and Sandslash

I am oddly fond of Sandshrew, he’s a shrew, made of bricks. That’s a nice simply uncluttered concept and a nice simple uncluttered design. You know what you’re getting with Sandshrew and that’s honesty, integrity and a shrew made of bricks.

I don’t have much to say about Sandslash except to tell him that Sonic the Hedgehog called and he’s pissed you stole his look bro.

Nidoran Nidorino Nidorina Nidoqueen and Nidoking

I don’t have a huge amount to say about these designs either. They’re pretty generic and uninspiring. About the only interesting thing about them is that in Generation 1 Nidoran is the only pokemon that came in two genders. Then this was made into a slightly squicky fact when it was pointed out to me that Nidoran is meant to resemble a rabbit, and what is the one thing everyone knows about rabbits? Ewwww, I don’t really want to think about Pokemon fucking thank you very much Nintendo. Actually weirdly when breeding was introduced as a proper mechanic Nidoqueen and Nidoking turn out not to be able to breed with each other which….is too stupid for English words.

Clefairy and Clefable

Clefairy is, I think, extracted directly from the brains of 5 year old girls. It’s soft, fuzzy, round, pink, a fairy and magical, from the moon, that’s a doll/pet. The only thing missing is a unicorn.

Clefable is a stretched clefairy, I don’t think this was an intentional design I think this was a photocopying error.

Vulpix and Ninetales

 

Vulpix and Ninetales are based on the Japanese myth of Kitsune, magical foxes with shape changing abilities that disguise themselves as human women and basically fuck around with Japanese farmers. There are hundreds of myths and legends regarding Kitsune in Japanese mythology, that they’re the messengers of the gods, that as they grow older their tales split signifying that they are becoming more powerful, hundreds. And Nintendo did nothing interesting with any of them, instead they made a fire breathing fox with extra tails. What a waste.

Jigglypuff and Wigglytuff

Jigglypuff is a pink ball and Wigglytuff is a bean bag chair with ears. Jigglytuff does get props for having his own personality in the anime, he’s a singer who loves to perform but his songs put people to sleep, this pisses him off so he draws on them. It’s not much of a character but it’s a damn sight more than Wigglytuff has.

Zubat and Golbat

 

Zubat is the only Pokemon ever invented that’s more annoying than Rattata. You know why? Because you can avoid Rattata, you just don’t walk in the grass. But Zubat! Step into that cave and one will attack you approximately EVERY FUCKING SQUARE!

I hate everything about the fucker, I hate it’s lack of a face, I hate it’s lack of legs, I hate it, hate it, hate it!

Golbat is somehow worse though. Someone literally drew a mean face and added wings and feet. At least Zubat looks like a bat, this thing looks an abberation before god. Seriously where is it’s body? Where does it put the food it eats? How does it use feet that are at the side of its head? This thing mystifies me.

Oddish, Gloom and Vileplume

Oddish is another Pokemon I like a lot, it’s cute, it’s a simple design but reflective of what its meant to be (a raddish). Not much to say here.

Gloom is weird but again I like it. The design is meant to evoke carnivorous tropical plants. The drooling represents the sap they extrude to lure flies into them but the designers have used it to suggest character and make Gloom look like a bit of a moron. That’s actually really cool, most pokemon designs don’t obviously communicate a personality like this one. And it still works as an evolution of Oddish.

Finally vileplume completes a trio of nice designs, based on the infamous  Rafflesia arnoldii the largest single flower in the world that takes months to develop but blooms for only a few days and also stinks of rotting meat. Vileplume is basically a drawing of that but with a body to match the evolutions of gloom and oddish. Not as cool as gloom but this is a nice little trio.

Paras and Parasect

Paras is like Bulbasaur only lamer in every conceivable way. Instead of a dinosaur a crab, instead of a flower mushrooms. Yay

Parsect is much, much better. I love the integration of the mushroom with the body to form a continuous shape. It makes it much more unique and makes it a more balanced design. Plus its a reference to that creepy fungus that turns ants into zombies, and zombie ants are always cool.

Venonat and Venomoth

Although Venonat is an ugly little bugger the design works, nice and simple evocative of the animal it’s aiming for but with enough distinctive fantasy elements to make it a Pokemon. Strong entry.

Okay so here’s what’s weird about Venomoth, take a look at it, now look at Venonat, now look at Caterpie and Butterfree.

Clearly Venonat should evolve into Butterfree and Caterpie into Venomoth, Venonat and Butterfree both have compound eyes and antenna whereas Caterpie and Venomoth both have that weird tv antennae and eyes with pupils.

Diglett and Dugtrio

Diglett is such a brazenly awful design you kind of have to admire it. Partly that’s intentional, the fact that you can’t see the body is the joke they intended and every illustration of Diglett ever has him sicking his head out of the ground like this. But that head design is scrawled off in seconds. That is a kids doodle and nothing else. Diglett you’re so bad you’re actually kind of awesome.

Dugtrio however, sigh. I despise pokemon whose evolution is just that they have 3 of them together. Fortunately so does everyone else so outside of gen 1 this stops happening. But did Diglett really need an evolution? Diglett? The design is a joke for god’s sake, how does adding 2 more improve the joke in any way shape or form?

Meowth and Persian

Meowth looks like a manekinekko, a statue you often see in Japanese shops and restaurants of a cat holding a coin and beckoning customers in. They are supposed to bring good luck and bring lots of money into the property. Appropriately Meowth learns a move that gets you money when used. The design isn’t particularly strong but is basically fine, it evokes what it means to, is uncluttered but generally uninspiring.

Persian is just flat out disappointing. Meowth at least had personality (money grubbing) this is just, boring. The only remotely clever bit is that coin has upgraded to a jewel but basically somebody just drew a Persian cat and said “good enough.” At least they didn’t slap a horn on it.

Psyduck and Golduck

Psyduck, like Gloom, is a design that just screams personality. Psyduck is a luckless dork, you can see if straight away in his face, in the way he holds his hand partly from the headache and partly from shame and those eyes. Those are the eyes of a man who has had life tread on him repeatedly for decades but has endured. I love psyduck.

Golduck is fine I guess. It’s a sleek design in fact he looks kind of cool and badass but he’s kind of a disappointment after psyduck since he retains none of the goofy charm of the prevolution. Also the pokedex says he resembles the Japanese monster kappa. Here are how kappa are usually drawn.

Okay other than the head, ish, and the duck beak I’m not seeing it.

Mankey and Primeape

Mankey is an angry monkey with a pig nose, one from the “combine two animals randomly” school of design I feel.

Primeape is like Mankey but with badass heavy metal accessories. After this pokemon match he’s off to the mosh pit to head bang to slayer bro.

Growlithe and Arcanine

 

Growlithe is a tiger dog that breathes fire, another one from the random animal combiner I think although it is another okay design.

Arcanine does a nice job of having the hair tufts evoke flame without being obvious and the face design does look like a really inviting big goofy dog. Strong design.

Poliwag, Poliwhirl and Poliwrath


First of all I think it’s kind of brave of Nintendo to name a pokemon after a pollywog, considering the name has unfortunate racist associations.

For years I struggled to think how Nintendo looked at a tadpole and a frog and came up with this design, I mean poliwag does look like a tadpole but the other two evolutions look nothing like frogs at all, and that weird spiral design seemed to have been tacked on from nowhere. I mean the design is fine on its own but it isn’t evocative of frogs in the slightest.

Then I saw this picture.

and after that it made a lot more sense.

Abra, Kadabra and Alakazam

First off well done to the naming team that’s an excellent pun. Although considering the Japanese version is called Yunghelor a reference to famous psychic spoon bender Yuri Geller it might actually be taking second place.

There’s elements of these three I like. I like the idea of using a spoon to convey psychic power, I like the moustache harkening back to stage magicians and I like the expression of the face but, the monster these elements are stuck on is juts kind of an abstract mess that looks like nothing in particular. Not brilliant but okay.

Machop, Machoke and Machamp

I despise Machop. First off I hate any and all pokemon designs that are basically just “ a guy”. And there are loads. I prefer my monsters to be based on insects, mammals, birds, fish, inanimate objects, etc than humans. I find nothing lazier than taking a humanoid shape (2 arms 2 legs stood up, roughly human proportions) and just fudging it to make a monster. And what a dull monster Machop is. He’s just a basic human shape but with visible ribs and some kind of head crest, the head crest is the only thing to differentiate him from a blob of humanoid putty and it in no way is evocative of anything about this monster. He’s supposed to be a fighting type but nothing about him says fighting except the name. And the name is awful too. Why ma? I get chop from the fighting move but just adding ma to the front is almost digimon esquemon inmon namingmon techniquemon.

Machamp is marginally better since I do like the bulging muscles and pro wrestling belt but…. why does a wild animal have a pro wrestling belt?

Machoke is the best of the lot since the addition of the extra arms makes it look like a frigging monster and not a lump of putty.

Bellsprout, Weepinbell and Victribell

I think it’s kind of disgusting that Nintendo made a pokemon out of a male sex toy, let alone 3 evolutions of it.

Tentacool and Tentacruel

Tentacool is more annoying than Ratata, not as annoying as zubat (nothing is) but for me not in their league since I actually like the design. Specifically I like the fake eyes and mouth on the top part. That’s something real animals do in nature all the time, make their arse look like their face and vice versa and it’s nice to see a pokemon design evoke nature like this. Other than that trick its fairly meh but it’s sleek, uncluttered, easy to draw, etc.

Tentacruel of course is drawn in such a way as to ruin that nice fake face idea and adds a big pointy nose/ hook thing. Because of course jellyfish have big noses, famous for it they are.

Geodude, Graveller and Golem

Firstly, bravo naming team, bravo. A pun on geode, well done you all. It’s a rock with arms and a face. Again as a statement of purpose its a strong one. Yeah some of our monsters are just rocks, we don’t care, anything can be a Pokemon, even a rock. For a simple idea gGeodude is pulled off quite well he’s a very distinctive rock and again has bags of personality, you can’t look at this Pokemon and not picture an incredibly grumpy old man shaking his fists in impotent rage at those kids on his lawn. Oh if only he had legs he’d see to them.

Graveller has less personality but is actually my fave of the three for no other reason than I think it looks cool. It’s a boulder, with arms and legs, can’t go wrong there.

Golem though just makes no sense. His two prevolutions are sentient rocks whereas he is some kind of lizard/dinosaur thing encased in rock….rocks don’t turn into lizards nintendo, they just, they just don’t. Also he appears to have lost two limbs which must have been a bit of a blow.

Ponyta and Rapidash

Ponyta is a simple idea done well, we’re going to take a horse but replace the mane, tail and fetlocks with billowing flame. Awesome! That’s a great original idea and a very strong visual and Ponyta is simply a strong execution of that idea.

Rapidash however is Ponyta but with a horn stuck on it. Sigh. Horns do not equal fantasy Nintendo.

Slowpoke and Slowbro

Slowpoke is awesome, he’s an idiot Pokemon, a complete and utter total buffoon, with vast psychic powers. That’s hilarious  and even if I can’t even hazard a guess as to what kind of animal he’s supposed to be I love him and his goofy, stupid face. He is herp personified.

Slowbro if anything has an even better face and a better name, he’s slow, bro. But he is also deeply confusing. That shell on his tail is supposed to be a Shellder, but it looks nothing like a Shellder meaning that the Shellder evolves when it bites a Slowpoke. That makes as much sense as anything regarding Pokemon evolution but since Slowbro and Slowpoke look basically the same doesn’t that make this technically an evolution of Shellder?

Magnemite and Magneton

I usually have no problem with the inanimate object designs but something about Magnemite bugs me, something about how all the elements seem separate. And I have nothing to say about Magneton I didn’t say in the Dugtrio entry.

Farfetch’d

Farfetch’d has to be one of the odder concepts for a pokemon going, he’s a fairly realistically drawn duck but…holding a leek. Wow, a leek. Get it? Because duck cooked with leeks is a popular dish in asia. Yeah, this one is definitely the result of a drunk designer looking at his dinner and becoming, for want of a better word, inspired. We really need a word for inspirations that are unutterably awful, badspired? Unspired? Outspired? Yeah I vote for outspired. Farfetch’d is an outspirational design.

Doduo and Dodrio

Another one I don’t have much to say about, the gimmick is cool and well executed, it fits the Butterfree test, the evolution is logical. It’s competent designs like this that made Pokemon such a winner in the first place.

Seel

Seel, a more classic example of “stick a horn on it” design you will not find.

Dewgong

Really, really? Was Seel crying out for an evolution? The one that was basically a seal drawn in a cartoony fashion with a horn on its head, what inspired idea do you have for its evolution. Oh, you just drew basically the same animal at a different angle. This is beyond lazy it’s actually verging on slothful. Your pokemon design is actually one of the seven deadly sins. It’s that bad, it’s biblically bad.

Grimer and Muk

Grimer, people pick on grimer for being basically a blob but, well, why not. A sentient blob of pollution is a really strong idea for a monster, oozing towards you inexorably melting everything below it in poisonous acids. It definitely didn’t warrant an evolution that was basically “the same, but bigger” though.

Shellder and Cloyster

I got nothing on Shellder guys, sorry,….it’s a shell, and a tongue….I got nothing.

Cloyster looks a vagina. There, I said it. Admittedly an evil and pointy vagina but a vagina nonethless. You can see outer labia, inner labia and a big ol spiky clit. This is Gen1, a kids game and right there it is, a vagina monster. Well played Japan, well played.

Gastly, Haunter and Gengar

Aside from the terrible English name Ghastly is okay, he’s one pokemon you can’t say much about because his design works and evokes what it’s meant to without being particularly great. Same goes for Haunter. Gengar though is interesting because for years I struggled to figure out what it was meant to be until somebody pointed out to me that it looks like the shadow of a Clefable.

That’s actually really clever and very subtly done.

Onix

I never liked Onix because I don’t get how he works, are those rocks separate? Are they linked? How does he move if they’re separate? I know its weird that I don’t pick on other monsters that clearly don’t make sense biologically (like geodude) but something about his design just seems weird and off to me.

Drowzee and Hypno

Drowzee is based on a Japanese monster that sneaks into people’s rooms at night and eats their dreams. And also a tapir. That’s perfectly fine, it’s a nice mix of design and gimmick and his moves in game back up his concept. However what is going on with his evolution? What is a Hypno? A lazy anthro monster is what it is.

Krabby and Kingler

We’re deep into, not much to say, territory here.  Both of these designs are perfectly fine hitting the Butterfree test of “can I draw it?” and “can I recognise the animal?” but there is nothing inspiring about either of them.

Voltorb and Electrode

If anybody ever tells you that the original designs are full of originality and the new ones are just basically taking an everyday object and making it into a monster; show them voltorb. It’s a ball. Just, a ball….with a face. Now admittedly there is something of a gag to Voltorb, it looks like a Pokeball and has the move self destruct allowing it to explode. So unsuspecting trainers pick it up thinking it is a Pokeball and instead get a nasty surprise. That’s fine and all but then…

why the hell does it need an evolution that is basically a bigger ball.

A bigger ball.

….this is supposed to be originality folks.

Execgute and Execgutor

God I hate Execgute. Everything about it is just so confused and muddled. First of all it isn’t an egg Pokemon it’s a seed Pokemon. Secondly it’s not one Pokemon but six, but oh wait, they’re in telepathic link with each other so really it kind of is one Pokemon. But then why are some broken? Are they always like that? Is it meant to be broken, can it survive like that? Out of every six is one brother always broken? This Pokemon just confuses me deeply.

Exxegutor just confuses me more, do all 6 evolve and combine together, which is odd, or does one evolve into one exxegutor and the others go away? This pokemon just raises more and more questions.

Also that face is irredeemably goofy.

Cubone and Marowak

I like Cubone a lot, less so for the design than for the pokedex entry, check this out.

“Wears the skull of its deceased mother. Its cries echo inside the skull and come out as a sad melody.”

How messed up is that? It wears the skull of its dead mother. That’s beyond morbid and moving into vaguely creepy territory. But is also raises many questions. Does this happen to every Cubone? Does this mean that Cubone mothers (or marowak’s I guess) all die shortly after childbirth? If that’s the case how do you get more Cubone’s. Well actually one theory is that a Cubone mother is actually a Kangashkan, check this out.

Another thing I like about Cubone is that he’s one of the few pokemon to carry a weapon, a dinosaur weilding a bone club is a pretty neat idea and it makes him distinctive from most other Pokemon, even in later generations.

Marowak is much less interesting mainly because the skull Cubone wears is supposed to fuse with it’s real head as it evolves into Marowak. I know its silly to talk about common sense when dealing with dinosaur monsters wearing skulls that magically transform into slightly different dinosaur monsters but something about that idea just defies my own suspension of disbelief. Yes I can buy a dinosaur monster wearing it’s dead parent’s remains like a hat but not that it’s own head would organically fuse with said hat. And that may be the strangest sentence I have ever been called upon to type.

Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan

Hitmonlee is an abstract humanoid monster with nothing of interest to it at all and a silly name.

Hitmonchan is an abstract humanoid monster with nothing of interest to it and an even sillier name. Seriously the joke is that Hitmonchan is named after Jackie Chan and Hitmonlee after Bruce Lee, that makes some sense for Bruce Lee since he was famous for kicking but Jackie Chan is more famous for hitting people with ladders than boxing. He should be Hitmonali or Hitmontyson or something like that.

Lickitung

Generic abstract dinosaury monster with a really long tongue. I actually kind of like these single gimmick monsters, there’s something simplistic about their design that just kind of works for the gaming concept. This monster has a long tongue so all it’s attacks will be tongue based. Also the best thing about Lickitung’s existence is this screen cap.

Moving on.

Koffing and Weezing

I’m never sure what Koffing is meant to be. He looks a bit like a sea mine but he’s supposed to be a flying bag of smoke. Is he modelled after a germ maybe? Confusion aside it’s a nice strong design, simple, clean lines, evocative of the idea of poison (particularly the skull and crossbones) and again with plenty of personality. Look at this guy, he’s adorable, he just wants to goof around and mess stuff up. He’s like poison but cuddlier.

Weezing is the sole, SOLE exception to the 3 pokemon togther = an evolution rule since he actually works as an evolution. This is because the other two heads look like they’re growing out of the main head. This idea of a kind of mutation rather than evolution works well for a poison themed monster or if he’s supposed to be germ themed it looks like cells splitting and dividing.

Ryhorn and Rydon

Ryhorn is just a mess of extraneous lines. It’s really hard in the actual computer game sprites to get a sense of what shape this thing is supposed to be. You can make out the horn and the fact that it sweeps off to either side making a kind of u-shape on the head but beyond that it’s just a mess of spikes. Not great.

Rydon is an improvement  since you can actually see what it’s supposed to look like but is still nobody’s favourite.

Plus it’s called ride on and has what appears to be a phallic symbol for a nose, make your own jokes people.

Chansey

Chansey is a big pink ball carrying an egg with long pink hair and that works as a nurse. I’m fairly certain this is a fetish for somebody.

Tangela

Tangela. What I love about Tangela is that technically you can’t see the Pokemon at all. The face is completely obscure in darkness, all you can see is the vines it uses to surround itself with and hide it’s face away. That’s a great concept and this is a slick execution of that idea.

Kangashkan

Kangashkan, my abiding memory of this monster is that it was UNBELIEVABLY rare and hard to catch in the games since you could only catch it in the safari zone and it would run away at the drop of a hat. I hated this thing purely for that and an uninspired design doesn’t help it either.

Horsea and Seadra

They pass the Butterfree test and that’s all you can say for them really.

Goldeen and Seaking

Slap a horn on it design at it’s finest.

Staryu and Starmie

I don’t think there is anything interesting about star fish the actual animal or starfish the fighting pocket monster and the application of girly gems doesn’t fix that at all. Actually that’s probably being unfair to real starfish who at least have the ability to regrow limbs if damaged. That’s kind of neat.

Mr Mime

Mr Mime, Mr Mime howfore dost thou suck, let me count the ways

  1. everybody hates mimes
  2. you’re the most egregious example of abstract humanoid design I have ever seen
  3. everybody hates mimes
  4. the expression on your face is eminently punchable
  5. everybody hates mimes
  6. the weird pointy haired boss hairstyle you have going on
  7. everybody hates mimes
  8. the pointy curly shoes
  9. everybody hates mimes
Scyther

Scyther is the byword in sleek badassitude, is badassitude a word? It is now, Scyther just declared it. This is the Chuck Norris of Pokemon, not because it’s an overplayed and tired internet meme but because everything about it screams I will come and kick your ass and you have zero chance buddy. I mean it has swords for hands. Nothing quite pleases my inner 6 year old like sword hands and it puts Scyther in the rareified company of wolverine and Shredder.

Jynx

A black face opera singing Pokemon. They can’t actually show this on american TV without recolouring it a violent purple hue. Jynx is walking evidence that Japan just doesn’t understand racism at all. Now plenty of people in Japan are proper racists, or more correctly, proper xenophobes, convinced that Japanese people are superior in almost every respect and prepared to drive black vans around Tokyo announcing this on loudspeakers but the vast majority of Japanese people would be perfectly nice and polite to anyone regardless of race or ethnicity. But the fact is the vast majority are also really racist without intending to be so, because their media and culture is woefully lacking in coverage of the world outside of Japan and so they think it’s perfectly acceptable to dress up in blackface and do things like this.

Jinx is therefore one of the more abstractly inspired Pokemon since she’s the walking embodiment of unintentional Japanese racism.

There’s plenty more racist designs by the way, just not in Generation 1.

Electabuzz

What the hell is this? What is it supposed to be, did somebody mess up whilst drawing Pikachu and just decide to submit it anyway? What is this design meant to evoke?

Magmar

Magmar, because when I think fire monster I immediately think of a duck, yup, duck’s well known for loving magma. Hence the well known expression, like molten magma off a duck’s back.

Pinsir

And I thought Cloyster was a scary vagina monster but looking at that thing’s mouth has just made little Adam retreat up into my body faster than you can say vagina dentata.

Tauros

Tauros is completely dull except for one fact.

It was the one pokemon I never caught.

My pokedex contained 149 pokemon and the only guy I never got was Tauros. Like Kangashkhan he was only available in the safari zone and like Kangashkhan he was skittish as hell and would run away before you could catch him. I wasted hours and hours of my life going after that thing before Gold and Silver came out and I decided to just give up, accept defeat and move on with my life.

So when I see Tauros I don’t see a cartoony bull looking at me, oh no, I see a failed and wasted childhood staring into me, mocking me, laughing cruelly at my childish efforts.

Magikarp and Gyarados

Everyone, and I mean everyone loves these two. The heart of it being that Magikarp is completely and utterly useless. It knows one move, splash, which does no damage whatsoever. It’s completely useless in a fight, it can’t be eaten and just look at that face. That is a dopey, ugly, unloveable face.

And then it evolves into this.

Badass personified. A giant sea serpent with moves like dragon rage that sweep everything before it away in a tidal wave of fury and anger.

Magikarp into Gyarados is like the ugly duckling story as pokemon. Or better yet the Charles Atlas ads in the back of 1960’s comics. Are you a skinny pathetic weakling always losing fights, well if you can just make it to level 25 you can turn all that repressed anger back on the bully’s and destroy their posteriors totally.

There are some weird things about gyarados though. Why isn’t it a water dragon? It learns dragon type moves, it looks like a dragon, why not a dragon? Instead it’s a water/flying, but it learns no flying moves whatsoever so derives no benefit from flying at all just an additional weakness to rock attacks it wouldn’t normally have.

Lapras

For years I thought Lapras wasn’t actually introduced until generation 2. I have no idea why I thought this since the surfing animation in gen 1 is a Lapras and he’s in the credits for the original TV show but memory is a funny thing. I can see why I may have thought this since Lapras is kind of boring. I mean it’s fine and all, the design is perfectly solid but it’s just basically a pleisaur with a shell on its back and no more clever ideas than that.

Ditto

I love ditto. He’s pure gimmick but what a gimmick. He. only learns one move, transform, which allows him to turn into an exact copy of the Pokemon he’s fighting. Unfortunately this means he’s completely useless in fights since his moves are always not very effective and can’t gain type advantage. From Gold and Silver onwards though the real use of ditto became apparent. Ditto is a dirty, dirty slut who will fuck anything that moves. Yup, Ditto will breed with any Pokemon in the game, of either gender. Ditto doesn’t care, he takes it anyway he can get it. Look at that cute little pile of purple splooge, he is having the nastiest and most varied sex life you can possibly imagine. Skank.

Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon

Eevee is again a gimmick pokemon but a great gimmick .Eevee himself is a cute little squirrel/dog thing, a nice design but nothing special. No what makes Eevee great is his ability to transform into, originally, 3 different evolutions (and now up to 7). This is a nice riff on dog breeding and the endless variety of dog shapes people have been able to come up with and is also a fine example (like ditto) of playing with the mechanics of the game itself to come up with an original idea for a monster. The 3 evolutions themselves are all pretty cool, they all look like dogs, they’re all clearly evocative of the element they’re linked too, they’re also pretty cool designs individually only enhanced by the eevee concept. My favourite is Jolteon because I think he has a really sleek and dangerous looking design.

Porygon


Porygon is a digital pokemon, which is a dumb idea to start with. He looks like nothing in particular and has no personality. Plus this is the guy responsible for giving all those Japanese kids seizures. Basically beyond those dull lifeless eyes there is a sadistic monster, plotting something.

The Fossil Pokemon, Omanyte, Omastar, Kabuto, Kabutops and Aerodactyl

I don’t have much to say about any of these, they’re all competent designs (Kabutops is the coolest) but the concept behind them, fossilised pokemon brought back to life, is pretty neat and differentiates them from other monsters pretty cleverly.

Snorlax

Snorlax is another pokemon everyone loves. Again it’s a fairly abstract design but enlivened by a great gimmick, he’s a fat sleeping monster. So big and so fat that he actually poses a blockage to traffic. Hes a got a great simple design a neat concept and scores of personality. I mean who wouldn’t want to fight with a giant tub of lard whose moves actually allow it to fall asleep in the middle of a battle.

The Three Legendary Birds, Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres

There’s not a huge amount to say about these guys, they’re slick designs, they’re all evocative of the element they’re linked to, they’re just baseline cool. My fave is Zapdos, both because his design is spiky (I like spiky electric types apparently) and because in game his typing is a great combination. Electric types are weak against ground but he has flying moves to take out ground types and flying types are weak against electricity but being an electric/flying he has no such weakness.

Dratini, Dragonair and Dragonite

Dratini and Dragonair are fine and all but nothing special. However Dragonite is hilariously awful. The other two are sleek and elegant, this guy looks like barney the dinosaur’s retarded cousin. Look at that face. That is a face that had to repeat a school year, possibly twice. He reminds me of lenny from of mice and men.

Mewtwo

Mewtwo looks like a science experiment gone wrong, an unholy genetic aberration. Which is exactly what they were going for so well done design team. I also love his name, Mewtwo works as a clone of Mew and sounds exactly something artificial and created in a lab. Mewtwo’s design is fine not too crowded but full of little touches which suggest his artificial origin (like the weird neck tube) but what really makes him stand out is his back story. Mewtwo is the villain of the first Pokemon movie and really one of the only Pokemon intelligent enough to actually be a stand alone villain rather than just a tool for somebody else. His origins as an artificial being of immense power is of course a riff on, well take your pick, Frankenstein, Pinnochio, Star Trek’s Data, etc but whilst it may not be an original idea it is a gimmick shared by no other Pokemon so it makes him stand out and grants him a lot of personality. In fact I think Mewtwo qualifies as not really a monster but a character in his own right with his own emotions, desires and character arc something you can only really say about Ash’s Pikachu otherwise and that’s only in the TV Show and not the games. He’s also bastard hard and easily the most powerful monster in the games for the first two generations.

MEW

Mew has quite a few cool qualities but all of them are meta qualities to do with the game such as the fact that he’s the 151st Pokemon only obtainable at special events, or the fact that he can learn every HM and TM in the game. These are all cool unique things about Mew but they’re all just ways he’s weird in terms of game mechanics, there’s nothing intrinsic about Mew himself that’s very cool, his design is meh and unlike Mewtwo he doesn’t have any kind of character or personality.

And that’s all 151 original pokemon reviewed, mocked and discussed. I hope to get the Pokemon from Gold and Silver up here next month but stay tuned because non-pokemon related Mummyboon content will be up at least once a week between then and now.


















Pokémon And All Respective Names are Trademark & © of Nintendo 1996-2012

I put together a simply enormous post today at work. Unfortunately because I am an idiot I have left it at work. I shall probably post it tomorrow thought to make up for the missed post on Tuesday.

Until then here’s some work my students did recently.

The grammar point my san-nensei have been working on recently is passive sentence construction. The exercise they have been doing is to create their own countries and then tell me what food is eaten in that country, what drinks are drunks, clothes are worn, etc, etc. They can do anything they like but I gave them a hint sheet with some normal and some very odd answers.

Some of the answers were fantastic. For example, most of the boys said that curry was eaten in their country and beer was drunk in their country, a combination that made me feel so much at home. Oddly nearly every single girl opted for orange juice, what they have against tea, beer and wine I don&t know.

But best of all are some of the names for countries they came up with.
Here’s a short list.

Ringo-land – No word on whether that’s the Beatle or the Japanese word for apple.

Dream-land – Not very funny but I did a count and nearly 18 different kids opted
for Dream-land. I can only assume there is some anime or computer
game with a Dream-land in it.

Never-land – Similarly I lost track of all the Never-lands that I got.

Lucky-land – That’s Ireland, surely?

EVA-land – Where dragons are seen apparently, and not angels as one might
expect*

A land – Pragmatical at least.

Star-land – Hollywood right.

Stars-land – Ah, but somebody else went one better.

BIOHAZARD-land – BIOHAZARD is the Japanese game for the computer game we know as
Resident Evil in the U.K. and the States. Although I remember the
first one coming out when I was there age it’s still incredibly
popular with my kids. In BIOHAZARD-land Humans are eaten, blood is
drunk, suits are worn, Umbrella events will be held (the villains
in the Resident Evil games are called the Umbrella cooperation),
zombles (bless) are seen and oddly the Olympics were held.

As if BIOHAZARD-land weren’t disturbing enough, two different kids
in two separate classes came up with the idea.

Free-land – Where workers control the means of production!

Cat-land – Where people eat dogs.

Special Beautiful Island – Which is extra specially beautiful because we all dress
like pirates.

Beautiful-land – Sure it’s beautiful, but it isn’t special beautiful is it.

Atari-land – Finally, a country where I can be free to enjoy classic 80’s
gaming.

Smile-land – I don’t think I’d fit in there.

Future-land – Welcome! To the world of tomorrow!

Disney-land
Disney-sea
Disney-rina – They’re taking over the world!

Silent Hill – Apparently kangaroos are seen in Silent Hill. Now I don’t remember
any kangaroos but I do know about the evil nurses.

Scary-land – Sure they eat humans there and drink blood but how scary can it be
without evil nurses.

Tea-land – This sounds like my kind of place.

Japon – Bad spelling or deliberate humour, how would you mark it?

Peace-land – Peace-land apparently has dinosaurs and wrestling. I propose it’s
name be changed to awesome ruckus world.

Interesting-land – Ironically this sheet was otherwise very boring.

Ultra-land – Well that’s what I interpreted it as. The kid actually wrote Uruta-
land, which I initially read as Urethra-land because I have a sick,
sick mind.

and finally.

THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

STEAK IS EATEN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

BEER IS DRUNK IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

LEATHER JACKETS AND LEATHER PANTS ARE WORN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

TANKS ARE SEEN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

THE WARS WERE HELD IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

THE VERY BIG WARDS WILL BE HELD IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

I have no idea what game or tv show the front of armament is from but there is no way the kid made it up on his own. He actually wrote it like that as well, all in caps with no punctuation. Of course I had to mark him down for that but I really, really didn’t want to because THE VERY BIG WARS made me piss myself.

You want some more, okay how about this.

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